profile picture

51285432

About Me

Photos and slideshow are by Shine.


I'm nervous around people. Nervous, kind of, in general. Or not nervous directly, so much as agitated. Restless. Discontent. Uncomfortable. And get the feeling, increasingly, that something isn't right. This is why I smoke, And frequently, why I drink. Why I frequently drink. Anyway, due to all this nervousness, And all the smoking and drinking that is its direct result, I've lost my stomach lining. And so now I'm even more nervous around people./I walk through the apartment. Turn lights off here, On there. Surprised to find myself in darkness, In light. Get in the shower, Surprised to find myself in steam. Surprised to see myself in the mirror, dripping. Written not as a revelation, But as a confession. Maybe something else is piloting me./I've never known myself to be waiting, just waiting 'til it's time to go to bed. Being healthy makes you numb. Being happy makes you numb. Being sober makes you numb. Being free makes you numb. When you have choices, You have no choice But to make the right ones. Numb. Numb . Numb.

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

The first time I saw him I was startled. But now, I see him a few times a week, and I'm no longer surprised. The dairy stocking boy. Whose horn rim glasses face, impish smile greeted me mischievously from behind the cartons. From above. He was on a stepladder, in the chilled room on the other side of the milk refrigerators. And peered at me, that first time Between ricotta and sour cream. Eyes following me from a pint, a half gallon, a gallon. Then, between skim and one percent, I noticed him and jumped. Such eyes, seen behind the cheeses. Dark in the dimly lit cooler of a room. Warm smile, and confiding, As he placed a jug on the shelf. I took the one at the front of the row, smiled back. They slid down; he placed another. Asked me if I was finding every thing I needed. No, dairy boy. There are a lot of things I need that I cannot find. But now I've found your co-conspiring eyes and face behind the milk, Now I think that might be everything I need, at least tonight./ There's a girl whose lips aren't sexy. But there is the way she holds them There, that strikes me. As though she were holding something very small between them. Not large enough to open her mouth, But just between her lips, delicately kept poised. I can see she is sensuously aware of it on her skin. The way she holds her lips as though the very small thing between them gave her some pleasure. I can see that she knows it's there, Has been keeping it there for some time. Maybe it is a word. Maybe it will fall off when she speaks. Maybe it is hello. Maybe she will say hello to me.

My Blog

For Calvin

How like old times Sitting outside in the frigid fall air Chainsmoking Forgetting to eat Having thoughts Finally That it feels worthwhile to write Filling notebook with longhand chickenscratch Until m...
Posted by on Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:47:00 GMT

Should I change my space?

The last blog I wrote had some spelling errors in it.  I hate that.  They were just typos, but one of them was most ignominious.  It said bule instead of blue.  I was mortified to ...
Posted by on Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:08:00 GMT