Andy

"I'm your bartender, and I hate you. I'm the bartender here, and that is an automatic license for me to hate you. So go ahead, assholes, tell me what you're having. You want a top-shelf Long Island iced tea? I want you to know how much of an asshole you are for ordering a top-shelf Long Island. You put that much liquor in a glass and it could be paint thinner in there and you wouldn't taste the difference. But hey, it's your extra 20 bucks. If you don't spend it here, you'll just end up spending it on something else idiotic. Tell you what, I'm just going to go ahead and make you a rotgut Long Island and keep the extra 20 spot as my tip. See that plastic bottle of Kamchatka with the handles? That's all you ass-munch. All right who's next? You in the popped-up-collar polo shirt, what'll it be hero? Five redheaded sluts? Oh, I see. You're going to try to get one of those girls drunk enough to sleep with you, huh? I'm not sure there's enough liquor in this bar for that. I tell you what, I'll save you the hangover and mix up a quarter ounce of alcohol with a quart of cranberry juice and watch you all pretend to get wasted. That way at least you'll still be sober enough to rub one out when you get home alone. Thanks a lot--that will be thirty bucks, and don't forget the tip, Captain Hand Job! "Chief"? You motherfucker.I can't believe you just called me "chief." You're so luckey you ordered a bottled beer. No one in this bar deserves to continue living. Who's next? Oh...Hey there, incredibly attractive girl who's obviously flirting with me in an attempt to get me to give her and her equally incredibly attractive friends free drinks. What are we having? What was that? Cosmopolitans? There's a shocker. So, what, I'm just supposed to comp these drinks because you're all hot? Do I look that pathetic? Well, you win this round. Here you go beautiful. On me." lololol You have to read this book. It's hilarious.