McTeabag of Borg

Pursuing a career as a professional rock climber while also enjoying deep sea diving, coral collecting, architecture, anthropology, Chinese food, dismemberment, polishing furniture, chasing chipmunks, nudism, bathing livestock, TV/VCR repair, harvesting grain, gardening, long walks, oil changes, dumpster diving, Faberge eggs, porcelain clown dolls, yoga, tailoring, pole dancing, and many others. . . . .well I was bored (drunk) one fine evening (9AM) sitting patiently in my study (crawl space) dreamingly reminiscing about my fine life accomplishments (hiding from the cops) ... well, as I see it, I need to tell my life story to all. But ohh Whoa is me! This story is far from finished! As I get more and more comments about it ... I will reveal to you more of my splendid awesome by adding 'width and girth' to it. Here goes ... a lil something about myself.Where to begin … well, my childhood was different than most. I was born a full-grown man in eastern texas . Instead of a growth spurt, my body shrank.By the time I was 16 I.played basketball in Mongolia. Soon after I began drinking heavily. . After rejection from every single student organization I stopped drinking and found spirituality through an ancient, noble, and time honored practice Squirrel Fishing. Upon promptly failing to supply the asian market with a substantial amount of squirrel pelts, I was excommunicated by the pope, and forced into some unsavory positions. with some unsavory people With some fast talking and high stepping I was lucky and escaped with my life. After rummaging through the refuse and evading Johnny law at every turn I decided to skip country. Upon my visit to England I saved her majesties life from a terrible gopher accident. I soon found myself in her employ . After four years of constant drinking and failing every assignment I had ever been given, I was awarded the distinct priviledge of attempting to push a boulder up a mountain repeatedly (they said it was for training purposes) . It wasn't til after failing this assignment ... repeatedly ... I knew I had to make my escape. What I performed was a feat so cunning, daring, and surprising that showing even a glimpse of it would most certainly destroy you as it did all footage, bystanders, and vegetation in a 30 mile radius. Therefore I will offer you something equal, if not more magnificent... . As I reached civilization once more, my hands still as death, I realized I had lost all touch with humanity, and the essence and purpose of what it meant to be alive. I had vowed from that moment on to become a shinning beacon of morality, class, happiness, style, and beauty that the very fiber of this world would be changed for eternity . And it was good. During my time being 'perfect' I rescued kittens, spit my gum into trash cans, and even built a bridge over a giant gap for a small Amazonian tribe . And it was good. My deeds did not go unoticed! It was at the time that the pope once again embraced me. For about 15 minutes ... at which time he promptly re-excomunicated me. Heart broken and down trodden I returned to the small farming community where I was born . What than?! I Grew a family , raised a beard planted some livestock , and made some gorgeous chillin'sI learned that plants hate motor oil, animals and interstates don't mix , and all around, 'shit sucks dude' So in a nutshell, life is shitty diapers , , brief showers , cold coffee, and car troubleBut don't let it get you down. Crack that frown and show us a hearty gum filled smile! Stand up and be yourself, regardless of what others think of youAfter a few short tussles with nature and mental clarity I sold my family, moved my farm, and decided to pursue the big money and fame associated with my dream profession. My performances stunned the locals But all favor was lost when I stole Jed's best toothpick casuing him to piss on my trailer. The resulting drama combined with my tendencies to demand the general store order some outrageous products (soap) left me with a broken heart, empty wallet, and sore ass. I will always miss the hills. Especially Ellie Jane whos elegent passion and sophistication brightened my life by dimming my self restraint . Which reminds me ... that bitch best hand over my mini fridge and Captain Crunch.Once again I was penny less, aimless, and hungry. For weeks I lived off the land and conversed openly with nature. I felt a growing kinship with the hinterland beasts and plants ... On the seventh day of the eleventh week my meandering led me to a cozy cottage nestled on a small ridge. Presuming it unoccupied I decided to take up a short residence … what harm could it do? The bed was cozy as I lit a fire and dozed off to sleep. My next memory I was awake, sensing another presence in the cabin with me. The cloaked figure crept closer to the bed. Clutched in its hideous claw was a lantern, which it lit in proximity to me. As it removed its cloak my eyes shut in absolute horror at what they had beheld ... Paralyzed by fear it reached into a small cabinet beside the bed, than once more into a metal cage above. A flickering in its mangled hand ignited a small flame revealing the contents of it’s other ghastly appendage ... It was than I heard a faint cry for help. Was I dreaming? Had my encounter with nature allowed me to hear the death cries of animals? And than clear as day I heard it again … and I leapt into action. I grabbed the nearest object in reach .., and ran to protect an innocent life. 200 Volts of vibrating bludgeoning fury rained down upon the beast, and my small friend skittered to a halt on the floor . Breathless, I sat on the floor next to my fuzzy companion in awe of what I had done. Was I so exhausted that I had begun hearing things? But there it was again … soft but pronounced it thanked me … in English. Astonished I reached down and plucked my injured friend from the cold floor ... Seeing my astonishment, he introduced himself as Phillip and burst into explanation that what I had witnessed was a horrific torture method to extract information about the progressive rodent revolution (PRR), who’s purpose was the destruction of PETA; the organization responsible for the genocide of countless defenseless twitching creatures through means of a controlled breeding program to make improved rodents that act as superior sexual tools to perverts. Demented, the group certainly did intend to live up to its promise of ‘loving’ all animals. But the breeding program was flawed, and brought forth a race of wily and resourceful soldiers twitching for revenge . At his request I took him to a nearby hollow where he was greeted by his fellow freedom fighters ... My deed earned me the respect of an army. My search for purpose was over; I was at war.