My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.
I don't sleep. I wait.
I do not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. I go killing.
I counted to infinity - twice.
I sold my soul to the devil for my rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, I roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took my soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. We now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.
If you can see me, I can see you. If you can't see me you may be only seconds away from death.
I'm currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for my left and right legs.
The chief export of me is pain.
I built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, I met all three bullets with my beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".
When I send in my taxes, I send blank forms and includes only a picture of myself, crouched and ready to attack. I have not had to pay taxes ever.
I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.
I'm like a dog, not only because I can smell fear, but because I can piss on whatever the fuck I want.
I'm not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.
As a teen I impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
If I'm late, time better slow the fuck down.
A blind man once stepped on my shoe. I replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of my name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by me.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. I smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from my body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
I don't need to digest food becauseI scare the crap out of myself.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.
Someone once tried to tell me that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to me just to be on the safe side.
I lost my virginity before my dad did.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to me and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
I can touch MC Hammer.
I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.
At birth, I came out feet first so I could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers me but me
I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
I can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
I won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. I simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at me, and the game forfeited.
At the beginning of time, I squared off against God in a battle to the death over who would control the universe. We both met each other with roundhouse kicks to the face, thus resulting in the 'Big Bang Theory'.
I don't cut grass I dare grass to grow.
I once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that my foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
My girlfriend once asked me how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. I then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding my girlfriend's bloody throat in my hand I bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later I realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
I once shot a German plane down with my finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Macgyver can alway build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but I can kill him and take it.
I won a national fighting tournament six years in a row and quit because I didn't want to shame the newcomers by beating them at the age 35.
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