♥Emo Kid♥ [Rejected]

[Thoughts:]

♥9-22-07♥
People sit for hours trying to figure out why they go back to their past. Well its cause its your safety blanket. You don't have to fear change...because it is the same story...just at a different time in your life. Well sometimes you have to let go of the safety blanket. I am just saying.

♥7-22-07♥
I have been told that I am like an ocean. Kind of mysterious . Showing people what they want to see...but not enough to take away from its mystery. Kind of complicated, yet beautiful in its own way. Calm at times, & other times more vicious than you can imagine. Are you sure you still want to go along for the ride?

♥6-26-07♥
If you take 4 shots & are completely hammered. Not ever buzzed...just like "wasted". Sorry...you can't "party like a rockstar". Go drink your wine coolers you light weight. Ah ha! I still love you guys...cause there is more for me! =]

♥6-20-07♥
I take a step back and look over my life. I see the good and I see the bad. Wondering why I have some of the things I have done. Were they really worth it? Was he really worth it? Now I stand here waiting for some of the greatest friends I have walked past, to forgive me. Not knowing if they ever will breaks me down. I feel like most of my life I have been standing in the rain, waiting for people to forgive me for the stupid. And walk back towards me, so I can be alive again.

♥6-08-07♥
She looks in the water to see a reflection of someone she doesn't know...
Someone she doesn't respect or accept.
But for some reason this reflection always shows itself like it belongs.
She tries to splash it away...
Like it would be that easy to get rid of this person...

The closer she sees the person taking over who she once was...
The more she becomes scared...
The world has made her a cold person with an unbreakable wall...

Sometimes a reflection is exactly what it is... You.

♥6-02-07♥
I hurt so much & so hard that I can barely cry any more. Or I cry out of nowhere. I seriously can't go through a conversation with someone without the thought "Why am I still alive?" running through my head. I am so dead inside. I don't see what the point of me still being here is. There aren't very many people who still want me here. So what is the point? I am so broken, I am so dead. I never thought I would be this way.

♥5-18-07♥
I am a fallen star. With the only hope for the next 232731 miles is to see darkness. Please be the next star I run into. Bring me some sort of light.

♥5-15-07♥
I am constantly crushed by the giant. I feel like a tiny person overwhelemed by someone who can crush me with one move. I no longer feel like I have control over anything. My constant fighting has drained everything out of me. I used to be the giant who controled everything peacefully. Now everyone else is the giant...and they are ready to destroy. How childish.

♥5-9-07♥
No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Everyone thinks low of themselves sometimes. My advice to you...take people for who they are. Imperfections happen, sometimes it makes people beautiful & makes them who they are. Think of it this way...people take you for your annoying traits. You should take them for thiers.

♥5-5-07♥
He makes my heart beat faster. He makes the butterflies in my stomach go crazy. He makes the smile I rarely have, appear. When he holds me, I feel like the world has stopped. And we are the only two people left there. When we kiss, I feel like I have known him forever. I would kill to be with him, yet I would kill just to get over him.

♥4-30-07♥
Groups don't last. Friends do. And it breaks my heart. I really don't want my group to end. I love them to death. But recently it feels that way. =[

♥4-26-07♥
As a child they tell you that you have to fight some battles. But eventually you will find your prince and live happily ever after. But they lied to you, the battles never stop. That's why we live in real life, not a fairy tale. We have to live for the downfalls , the smiles, and the ♥break. Remember the beauty you see should come from the inside. Not the outside, because in the end the outside won't matter. Love life & Hate it . Don't look for your prince or princess, because chances are...You will fall in love more than once...But if its true...you will never fall out of it...Don't use LOVE lightly...because to you...It may mean nothing...to another it can mean EVERYTHING...

♥4-25-07♥
I hate to say it. But he took what is left of me. The reason I wake up in the morning doubting love. The reason I am still single. And the reason I get butterflies in my stomach whenever he is around. He puts the smile on my face. And the tears in my eyes. He is my sunshine after the rain...but then again, he is the storm. I would do anything to get over him...because I know with my heart...its never going to happen.

♥4-21-07♥
Don't waste your time smoking or drinking. There is more in this life. Pick up a book. Take a picture. Find out what your hobbie is. Because one day drugs, smoking, and drinking will catch up to you or control you. Have fun! But you can be more than just substance abuse. Try to be yourself.

♥4-10-07♥
Trust no one . Love everyone. Give everyone a second chance. Because wouldn't you want one? Put yourself in "that" situation before you judge. Find a way to love yourself, without being cocky. Put your friends & family before relationships. Because they will just break your heart. This is my advice to you.
♥4-2-07♥
When I step back...and look at "life", I no longer see something that can be fixed. I believe we all need to realize our problems can't be fixed. We just have to take every punch that life gives you. Sometimes we will avoid it. Other times we will get hit. It's apart of life!

♥3-28-07♥
I have a horrible habbit of trusting people. I try to give everyone a chance...but I have found...that will only get my hurt. I really want to believe she is telling the truth. But if I was her "best friend" why would she lie to me.

♥2-25-07♥
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some I believe I should be forgiven for...and others I shouldn't. I have done many bad things. But last night...I have come to realize...I don't regret one of those bad things...and not one of the good things. If that makes me a bad person...then I can't change your mind...now can I?

♥2-12-07♥
I believe when in a relationship you shouldn't push too hard...because you will push them away. But you can't demand ALL of their time. Guess what? They had a life before you! Just keep it at a balance. Have your time with them. Have your time with your own friends. And when hanging out with everyone...don't suck their face off the entire time. It makes your friends feel like you are ignoring them. Happy Almost Valentines Day!

♥2-06-07♥
You know what drives me crazy? When people spell things wrong . Every now & then is fine. No one is perfect. But when you are writing to ME & every other word is spelled wrong. YOU make me want to rip my eyes out! STOP spelling shit wrong. STOP writing in slang. And GO to school. FUCK!

♥2-03-07♥
Holding onto people is pointless. Having hope that they will always be there is slowly slipping away. People break up, get mad, and run away. They never change thier minds or think twice on what they are doing to everyone else. I knew that it was smart to hide and protect myself from pain . Getting close to people just disappoints you. I don't know why I gave myself hope that things were starting to change . I don't know why I thought that the stability I always wanted was here to stay. Thinking that everything will be better is a waste of time.

♥2-02-07♥
[Comment I Wrote To Molly]Sweety. in ways our families are going to doubt us for the rest of our lives. But you shouldn't let what they say to you bother you. Never let anyone stand in the way of your dreams. [as corny as that sounds.] there are so many people that don't know what they want to do with thier lives. You have such an advantage knowing what you want to do. Don't let anyone take that away from you. If you think you can do it. Go for it. It just makes the victory so much sweeter when your family doubts you. Just means you proved one more person wrong. And prove to them you ARE strong. I love you Molly!

♥1-30-07♥
I cover my ♥ lately. I don't want to let anyone in. I too scared that the same thing will keep happening. That they will hurt me. I want to trust people. But its too hard. So I am doing what I did years ago. Hiding from the world. I know this will lead me nowhere safe. I know I will fall again. I can feel it already. But like always...I can't be saved. I won't let you.

♥12-14-06♥
Music is the door to the soul. You must embrace it and enjoy it. It's one of the best things you can recieve in life. Listen to the words, relate to music. That's what its there for. To enjoy and relate. Listen to music that makes you smile, think , dance, laugh, & cry. It's another apart of life. One of my favorite parts of life.

♥12-13-06♥
Everyone changes, some for the better others for the worse . But it happens to everyone. So when someone changes...try to accept them. Because change is apart of life. Has hard as we try to keep things the same...they will always change. I believe we should all learn to accept people and the way they change. It's only fair.

♥12-11-06♥
Sometimes the past comes back to us unexpectedly. Kind of thrown out of nowhere when you thought it was over with. I have been in an abusive relationship. And most days I am still trying to figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing. What a stupid question right? Well after that relationship I learned to be strong. Something I didn't know how to do. But I also learned not to trust people. Its hard to let go or the past and to walk away. This is how he makes me feel:

♥12-10-06♥
I wanted to hold your hand. But she was watching. I went to walk away. But things changed. I wanted to tell you I loved you. But that would be foolish. I want to move on. Because this is too hard. But you probably can't see I am dieing. Why be apart of someones life, if they can't have you? Why love someone if they don't love you back? Do you know how many people who are probably dieing to be with you? Move on, walk away, look back only when you are strong enough to do so. Because if you look too soon...you will become weak. And instead of walking foward, you will go back to a chapter that has already ended.

♥12-09-06♥
Why does it take someone so lovely to pass on to make everyone else realize how much they should appreciate thier friends? Appreciation for those who love you should come every day. Not just because you lost someone. Yes, it makes you realize life is too short . But we should all love each other always. Not just in times of tragedy. "May Angels Lead You There" R.I.P Jenny. We All Miss You & Love You! Thank You For Being A Lovely Person Always. I Will Never Forget You!

♥12-08-06♥
I have come to realize that everyone will end up hurting you in the end! Every person I have let close to me. Let them in my ♥. After them telling me its better to let people in. Every last one of them have hurt me to the point, I wanted to kill myself again. I guess people don't know what they do to others. This is why I don't trust people. Because they always hurt me. Always
Those who haven't hurt me yet:

♥12-07-06♥
Love will always catch you off guard. It will never tell you its happening. Its something you have to figure out for yourself. You will know if you truely love that person...if you love them forever. For the good & bad . Love will trip you, and watch you fall on your face. But love will always help you back up in the end .

♥12-06-06♥
You know what drives me crazy ? When people use the word love lightly. How can you be in love with every person you date? That would is serious buisness to most people. Love last forever. If you love someone...you will love them from the day you fell in love until the day you die . Please, don't say it if you don't mean it. It's lame!

♥12-05-06♥
I don't "claim" to be wonderful. Because I don't think I am even close. I don't claim to be perfect because I don't think there is such a thing. I believe that we all have flaws. And we must learn to accept everyone for them. Because people change with time. And people won't change because you want them to, they will only change if they want to.

♥12-05-06♥
I believe when given the chance you take pictures of things you don't see every day. Those things that have you looking twice . Something wierd or funny. Or just of the people you love. Because you never know what life holds, and when it will take you away from the world.

♥12-04-06♥
When we were younger we thought life would be so easy . Fairy tales blinded us. Making us think that we would all fall in love, fight our battles and come out a better person...to live life happily ever after. I stopped believing fairy tales way before I had a chance to be a kid. I had to grow up fast. I wish I could change so many things. But now...I am basically looking death in the face. And I have never been more scared in my life. I would rather death be a surprise to me. But now...its like I know I am going to die...soon. I am trying to tell the people I love...that I love them. I am going to start closing doors, because I don't want to leave with unfinished buisness. I guess some of our "happily ever afters" ends in darkness.

+9-26-07+
My heart sinks further down in the mud every day I don't talk to you. You think by now I would have hit China.

+9-23-07+
Zach has the best laugh in the world.

+9-22-07+
I am afraid to fall for anyone. Love is scary.

+9-21-07+
Sometimes I get bad luck at good times.

+9-18-07+
I am not so afraid of yellow any more. But I still hate it.

+9-16-07+
I am dead

+9-11-07+
I know that everyone I went to High School with...look at me today like I am scum. But I guess I can't blame them. I don't have a job. Money. A place to live. And I am not going to school. I am proof that everything doesn't work out like you plan it.

+9-07-07+
I can't stop thinking about you. I can't lie. But I would do anything to get over you. It's killing me.

+9-06-07+
I hope every day that I don't break down and disappear. This is getting hard.

+8-27-07+
I am scared I will amount to nothing.

+8-26-07+
I have no chance with you. But its nice to see your smile every day. You make me smile.

+8-19-07+
I am afraid to be in a relationship with a guy. Because I don't want to be like some of my friends and hang out with no one else...because I am in "love". I know I am not like that...but I never want to be like that. Lame. There are other people in the world. Be realistic...relationships don't usually last.

+8-13-07+
I never learn my lesson. I will always walk back.

+8-11-07+
I can't lie...his daughter is the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen in my life. Baby boy is a tie between Aaron & my baby Adam.

+8-10-07+
I will never let go of Bob. And I refuse to ever not love him. He could kill a village of people...and I will still hug him in the end and tell him I love him.

+8-09-07+
I am afraid to be happy.

+8-01-07+
I fear/hate getting older. I have cried every birthday since I turned 17. For the simple fact I hate/fear getting older.

+7-27-07+
I'm not mad at [her]. But mad at the fact that she doesn't confront her problems. Sometimes you should run away. Other times you should take problems head on...and pick up the mess afterwards. This is one of "those" times.

+7-25-07+
I think he wants me to go crazy. I think he enjoys seeing me squirm in misery.

+7-24-07+
I can't drink water in the morning...I think its gross! [p.s.-Happy Birthday JJ! I love you!]

+7-22-07+
Times like this I wish I were 7 again...playing in the dirt & dreaming about how life could be.

+7-18-07+
I can feel myself tearing up inside. I am ready to say goodbye Gordon. Why don't you just answer one question for me?

+7-15-07+
Sometimes...I miss having sober fun!

+7-13-07+
I hate Friday the 13th! Always!

+7-12-07+
I constantly am out and with people because being alone depresses me. I hate being alone too long. I think if someone wanted to drive me insane they would just have to put me in a room by myself with nothing but myself...and I would eventually go crazy. [but i like to be alone sometimes...ah ha!]

+7-11-07+
I hope one day you realize what you lost in letting me go. And I hope you come crawling back to me. Because when that day comes I will laugh in your face, because I gave you too many chances. And you are not getting another one.

+7-08-07+
You will never understand...how broken I am.

+7-07-07+
The only way I will consider today "lucky" is if some how I get in touch with him today. And talk to him about what he said to me. I need to move on...but not until I talk to him.

+7-06-07+
I hate that we have to hide our friendship! You mean a lot to me.

+7-05-07+
I like him from what I know. I hope he not like the others. Because he makes me smile. If he doesn't like me...ok. I just don't want to be led on. I don't want to get hurt again.

+7-01-07+
Despite what you hear. I don't like sleeping with peoples boyfriends. Fuck you!

+6-30-07+
I am so worried about you. But I should hate you...oh man I should hate you. But I don't think I know how to do that.

+6-29-07+
For the most part...I dedicate "Three Cheers For Five Years" by Mayday Parade to you. It explains a lot of how I feel about you. I care about you...no matter what kind of mean messages you leave me.

+6-28-07+
I can't forget you. Do you think I could have...I would have done it already? I still hope everyday that maybe one day you will stop breaking my heart. I don't think anyone has broke me as much as you have.

+6-26-07+
I hate my life & me. I expect too much from people. I don't feel like I have anyone. I just sat in my room crying...wondering who I should call. And the one person I want to talk to...I can't.

+6-25-07+
It's different this time...I can tell. =]

+6-24-07+
I love Roach! She said the cutest thing yesterday. I called her and asked her what she was doing. And she said nothing. And I asked her if she wanted to go out. And she was like on a date. I was like no...to a party. Ah ha! I love that girl!

+6-22-07+
I am so pissed that people think they can use me. Fuck you! I am not a toy you can play with!

+6-21-07+
My little brother is graduating jr. high today. I think I am going to cry. I don't want him to go to High School.

+6-20-07+
I am so tired of life. Sometimes I wish I would disappear.

+6-19-07+
I sent her a message saying sorry. And I have not meant sorry more about anything ever in my life. I hope the best for them. I hope she accepts my apology.

+6-17-07+
I am starting to be less mad and bitter. Because I know no matter how hard I try not to, I will always care about him. And though you guys might not believe me, he will always care about me too. But I suppose I have wasted too much time. It's over.

+6-16-07+
I realized last night when I was sitting in a room by myself crying...that they will never take me back. They don't want to be my friend. And it hurts more than you can imagine. They were a big part of my world...now my Europe is missing. I want them to accept me again.

+6-14-07+
He drives me crazy...and it drives me crazy that he drives me crazy. Grrr...but I love it.

+6-13-07+
I give people small test of friendship all the time...just to see if they are real friends. I have the real from the fake sectioned out in my head...the real thank you. The fake...you are cool, but I don't trust you.

+6-12-07+
Sometimes I throw pennies in the middle of the street...so people pick it up for good luck. I hope I'm your good luck. ;]

+6-11-07+
Me & John Micheal made up yesterday. And we hung out. You have no idea how happy I am to have him back. Now I have a couple more to go. =]

+6-10-07+
I'm so pissed off with everything that is going on in my life right now...to the point I'm tired of fixing things...I give up.

+6-9-07+
I went to my first Rave last night. And I didn't take any drugs...and I still had fun!

+6-7-07+
Every time I think about you...I get butterflies. I wish there was something I could do about it.

+6-2-07+
I'd rather be dead.

+6-01-07+
I got to hang out with Haydee yesterday...I miss her more than anything. I love my mommy.
+5-27-07+
I talked to Jenny today. And she said she might come to California this summer! And I am going to finally meet her after 2 years. She is the only reason I will stay this summer. I love her!

+5-26-07+
Maybe it will take more to get the old Alyse back. I need my friends back. This is killing me.

+5-24-07+
I am going to try to get my life back together. Become a better person. Regain people I have lost...*cough*amber.amanda.heather.haydee.wyatt.*cough*. It might take weeks, months, or years. But I want my life back. I want some of the old Alyse back with a lot of the new Alyse. I am going to try to fix me.

+5-23-07+
I am tired of people calling me a slut & a skank. Just because you don't like me...doesn't make me a slut & a skank...thank you.

+5-21-07+
I don't want to loose my friends. That's always my lowest times. Is when people leave me. I love you guys! Please don't leave me. It's breaking me.

+5-20-07+
I suppose I fucked up.

+5-19-07+
I have always wanted to live in New York for a year. And I really want to go there...like now!

+5-18-07+
I wish people would stop putting thier insecurities on me. It's dragging me down. Stop being mad at me. I didn't even do anything.

+5-17-07+
Today me & Hutch starting writing notes together. We felt left out. ah ha! I made him a fortune teller note. It's so cool! I love you Hutch!

+5-16-07+
It's crazy how well Bob does know me. I understand him and he understands me. He knows what I am think...its scary sometimes. I will never love someone like I love Bob.

+5-15-07+
My habbit to just jump in the pool before checking how cold the water is first, gets me hurt a lot. I haven't learned my lesson.

+5-14-07+
My [4] favorite places to hide with being right in front of you:
*Myspace
*My Journal
*My Photography
*Music

+5-13-07+
I will call myself something bad before you do. That way it doesn't hurt so much.

+5-12-07+
Most days I wish I wasn't so proud. So I can move home to Palmdale with all my friends. But I have my pride. Damn me!

+5-11-07+
My biggest fear as of now is that when I wake up in the morning it will be the last day with my group. I love you guys too much. I fought too hard. For it to end now.

+5-10-07+
I am weirdly addicted to chapstick. I put it on constantly. It's like a phobia for me to have chapped lips.

+5-9-07+
I am so scared to have a threesome because I am afraid that he will not pay attention to me & pay more attention to her. I hate my body.

+5-8-07+
I walked a mile in Brittany's shoes. Ah ha! She let me borrow her shoes. And now I can say I walked a mile in her shoes! Brittany I love your sexy ass!

+5-7-07+
I am done trusting people. Fuck that. There are only a few I trust. And I probably won't tell you I trust you...because you will just take it for advantage. They all do. Go ahead be happy, but you won't be seeing much of me any more. I am not saying I am leaving. But I don't expect to see me around much anymore.

+5-6-07+
Sometimes I hope that when I go to sleep...that when I wake up...and its all a dream.
I can't even see my potatoes any more...the gravy is drowning it. [Bob understands]

+5-5-07+
I always told myself that I would not let another guy get to me. But I did. There is something about him that I can't explain. He is such an ass! But I can't stop thinking about him. I need someone to get my mind off asshole. [and I want the other him back. i miss him more than you will ever know.]

+5-4-07+
I let [3] of my friends sock me in the face last night. Like [10] times. Just because I wanted to get socked in the face.

+5-3-07+
Last night I had my first panic attack in months. They scare me so much, I don't want them to be how they used to be. I don't want to be depressed again. But I guess happiness is only for the select few.

+5-2-07+
I miss living in Palmdale. I want to go home. Maybe not my mom's house home. But back to Palmdale. I am going crazy in Littlerock.

+5-1-07+
Every day since December I try to remember where I was with you a year ago...and right about now last year I was wondering why you never called.

+4-30-07+
I don't appreciate people who are all over guys I like...when they know I like them. [That's why I like hanging out with just guys.]

+4-29-07+
I get crushes on a lot of people. I will think you are cute and cool. But the GREAT ones keep my attention. And crush turns into like. But its annoying getting along with so many people sometimes.

+4-28-07+
I don't think much of myself. I think I am ugly and fat. I don't think I am worth anyones time. And I don't see what people see in me. I have people tell me they don't know why someone wouldn't want to be with me. But why doesn't he see that? I am nothing.

+4-26-07+
I am not sure what it is about you. Your hair, your smile, your eyes. But something about you drives me crazy. Puts a smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach. You are such a mystery to me. But I can't help but smile every time your cute ass walks my way.