a 32-year-old yente with a few damaged brain cells. i have a boyfriend, so don't bother sending me spam email about all the booty that i'm going to get if i join some nasty online dating community. together we are "parents" to TWO beautiful eskie dogs-- BLACKIE and MOLLY.i'm like an overgrown mentally ill teenager. i snort when i laugh, cry hysterically when overwhelmed with any emotion, sometimes eat pizza for breakfast. i doubt i'm even one step above boones and pot parties and playing truth or dare. i believe myself to be a rock star although the reality is i'm amorphous, scrambled, and ethnic. i can grow hair where i shouldn't and never smell good enough. on my best day my hair will frizz and my makeup will run only in the shiniest reddest spots of my face and whatever clothes i wear, no matter how stylish and well cut will be uncomfortable and bear a deodorant stain. my shoes will scuff and you'll pity whoever my accomplice may be for having such a fucked up friend. it is only when i open my mouth, speak german and light your cigarette will you realize that i have a certain charm, become intrigued by me and get caught into my web of dysfunction.i love animals but i'm afraid of bats and most rodents if they are not kept as domestic pets. oddly though, one of my hobbies is photographing random deceased animals. that probably stemmed from my random mullet photography ("borrowed" from my younger brother), as the mullet may also be a dead animal.i work in higher education. to quote myself, "i got me a government job". so i get a week off for christmas and fridays off during the summer. i pay six bucks for my bottle of zoloft.i grew up in crappy union new jersey, home of ray liotta, artie lange, the guy from arliss and the world's tallest watersphere. unfortunately, i haven't had the good sense to move from this town or date someone who doesn't live here. don't worry, you won't see me at any future class reunion, and only certain folks know where to find me. i was the girl you threw spitballs at, the girl from welcome to the dollhouse, except without the cute hooligan threatening to rape me. ha... i'm still that girl except now i've got my hooligan and we'll both kick your ass. yeah! bitches! i won't make my myspace profile private because i don't care if you don't like me or what i have to say. as a matter of fact, i quite embrace your disdain for me.i love to watch baseball and i'm a yankee fan since literally 14 hours prior to my birth (my mother went into labour in the 12th inning of a 15 inning game played against the angels that the yankees finally won 5-0). if your favorite team is the mets or the red sox i will likely not be polite about announcing how much i despise both of those poor excuses for sports teams, especially if you were a mets fan and then you claim to like the red sox just because they one the world series once in 86 years. if you state that you like both the yankees and mets, i will disregard you as a non-baseball fan and suggest that you make curling your sport of choice. golf sucks too by the way.LOOK-- it's my new character BARGE Simpson.
