I am a virtual virtuoso... an enigma wrapped in chocolate... Sometimes I like to sit inside with my slip'n'slide and rip it up... Other times it's the kiddy pool on the roof type of a day... You can never really tell until you're there with a martini in your hand... when life gives me lemons I look for some fuckin' tequila and dream they were limes... I love life... I once got out of the wrong side of the bed and smashed face first into the wall... I like popcorn, and the dirty things you can do with it... I once ate a galon of rockey road icecream and went on the Gravitron... We don't speak about that day anymore... I like the circus folk, they make me happy, except when they don't let you ride the zipper because you're "too drunk!"... I showed them...I like animals... but not in that way sicko... I've always wondered why there isn't a heavy petting zoo... Last year I came in second place in a spelling bee... I kicked some third grade ass... The victory dance was priceless...I will eat pretty much anything... especially if there is money involved... I like to switch the jackets on books and then judge them by their covers... Sometimes I find myself falling asleep face first in soup... I love soup... I have nicknamed one of my body parts the General and another corpral punishment... Knees are sexy... I once thought I could eat more hotdogs than any asian kid... It turns out I was wrong... How the hell does somebody eat sixty-five hotdogs anyways?!?!?! I've always wanted to bathe in scratch and sniff stickers but I'm afraid they will leave a rash... I once bet a friend of mine that he couldn't hold his breath underwater for ten minutes... I miss Bob... I was homeless for a day... then I sobered up... I'm legally blind in my left testicle but the right one can sing like a bird... It always was the talent in the group...Just yesterday I thought I found the cure for cancer in my freezer, but as it turns out it was just chili... I play music professionally... playing with myself is just a hobby... I have skeletons in my clostet... they help me pick out what to wear... I'm pretty sure they're colorblind......I have lost my mind... has anyone seen it???
I once made a bet with the Pope that I could eat more than him... the fish and bread were never ending... But I still won!!! Ever since then I've resigned to my fate of driving the school bus to hell... I hope it's a short bus, not because I hope not that many people go to hell... More because I want one last laugh before I burn for eternity... Plus I may get a football helmet out of the deal... That would be fucking sweet!!! If you plan on coming with me buckle your seat belts because its going to be a bumpy ride...
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