He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,†some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I’ll be waiting for you in heaven – with a gun.â€
Consider the daffodil. And while you do that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Well, I met my new little brother, so that only leaves one more person, Frodo Baggins.
The top 15 CDs I listen to over and over...Fiona Apple, Extraordiary Machine; KT Tunstall, Eye to the Telescope; Garden State soundtrack; Boys II Men, Legacy (As if you aren't listening to that yourself right now.); Britney Spears, Greatest Hits (I'm not ashamed to admit it.); Kelly Clarkson, Breakaway; City of Angels soundtrack; Chicago soundtrack; Fiona Apple, Criminal; Maroon 5, Songs About Jane (still); James Blunt, Back to Bedlam; Buzz Ballads; Elton John, Love Songs; Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Number One of all time, Life is Beautiful. If you haven't seen it, you must, it's fantabulous.
I love my reality mindless television. But, sadly, James likes to learn things from the invention of the television. I prefer to see people get drunk and profess their desire to hump one of the roommates. Instead, now I know what it would take to put a tunnel underwater from New York to London (a lot of money), what a giant squid looks like (big), and all the current info on the war (trying to take serious interest). But believe me, when I get by myself it's all about "The Girls Next Door", "The Soup", Kathy Griffin or anything that will let me sit back and not have a thought running through my head. I am trying to turn James into a mindless drone, but I think he's caught on. As a punishment I'm subjected to at least an hour every night of Bill O'Reilly, Hannity and Colems, or Bill Mahr. Secretly, I pretend that they're debating in hopes to win votes to get off an island. It helps.
Also, if you happen to be flipping through and pass a show called "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee" on the Food Channel, STOP! Just watch it and imagine that there is no TV crew. It's justy crazy Sandra Lee, with a camcorder set up, making all this food for people that don't exist. She also always makes and samples a seriously alcoholic martini. Every show. I can semi-cook, drink, and act insane, where's my show Food Channel?
My favorite funny book is "Mind Over Matters" by Mike Nelson. Seriously, go out and buy it and you will thank me. The one talent I wish I had more than anything is to be able to get across really funny stuff through writing. It's hard and this book will make you actually laugh out loud, alone, reading a book, like you're a crazy person.
And of course, "Where the Red Fern Grows". The copy I have is literally falling apart and I read it again and again. If that book doesn't make you cry then you have no heart. (Sorry, you don't)
My hero is baby jesus. Because in some crazy mixed up way, becasue of him, I get gifts on christmas. Thanks b.j.!