If I were a tree I'd be a pie tree. Because that'd be awesome, and like depending on the time of year I'd grow all sorts of different kinds of pies. Actually, on second thought, I wouldn't want to be a pie tree if I was the only pie tree. Because then all you greedy humans would pick all my pies with such veracity that I would die a slow painful death of abuse. And near the end of my life as a pie tree my pies would taste awful because they would be filled with the juicy manifestation of pain and torment, and also thumbtacks. And you humans would still pick them anyway because any pie is better than no pie, but really theres no excuse for bad pie. Also I wouldn't want to be a pie tree if they were like apple trees and there was like, orchards of them and we really were just around to mass produce pies like some sort of slaughterhouse, but for pie, because then I would be less amazing, and really the best tasting pie always comes from the saplings that are tied up and kept from moving, and I plan to live a long full life as a pie tree. No, I think the only way I would actually be a pie tree would be if I was like sequestered deep in the darkest deepness of the dimmest darkes jungly place, and no one knew about me except for the native savages who worshipped me like a God and only feasted on my pie's once a year, and only then in honor of me and my wonderful pies. Otherwise I think I'd go with spruce. Spruce is a good looking tree.
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