"Are you ok?" "I don't know. I'm pretty fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge."
"Who are you?" "We're from Mars. Don't be afraid, we have children just like you on Mars." "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?" "Those are our antennae." "Are you a television set?"
"Boy, I must be ugly. Every time I walk past the hookers they raise their prices."
"Castles don't have phones, asshole!"
"Give a monkey a brain and he'll swear he's the center of the universe."
"I've lived in this building for sixteen years, ever since the shrinks diagnosed me as a sociopath with paranoid delusions. But they were just out to get me because I threatened to kill them."
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."
"I have always worn my divinity lightly — fundamentally, I am not at all a serious person — and I shall not miss it."
"If Twitter has done one good thing for the world, it's to teach people to get to the fucking point."
"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist."
"That, or a drunk dingo had a threeway with an ocelot and a porcupine."
"I think modern science should graft functional wings on a pig, simply so no one can ever use that stupid saying again."
"Welcome to Borger King. Your way will be assimilated."
"Who has been making grilled cheese with the defibrillator paddles?"
"My whole problem is my lips move when I think."
"Ten percent of nuthin' is... let me do the math here... nuthin' into nuthin'... carry the nuthin'..."
"If you had to choose between sleeping with Rosie O'Donnell and Judge Judy, what would you do?" "I'd flip a coin, and then kill myself."
"When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor."
