ChitownSlugger

I wear my boxers on the outside of my pants just to see the reaction of people in public. I put my pants on two legs at a time. Why? Cuz noone else does and I like to be different. Sometimes I flick my dogs nutsack just so he knows who's boss. I dress up on dates with women. I wear my favorite bowtie when I take them to Bojangles on our first date and let them order the LARGE chicken meal with a side of grits. I speed eat green olives just to see how many it takes to make me wince in pain. Sometimes I'll smoke a cigarette through my left nostril just to see if it makes my eye water. When my last girlfriend broke up with me, I got back at her by having intimate and passionate sex with a grapefruit on her front lawn as she watched with a phone in her hand calling animal control. Why animal control and not the police? Cuz I fucked that piece of fruit like a monkey having a seizure.Once I urinated on not only my girlfriend but her laundry basket as well. Both in the same week.If coke, crack and marijuana are drugs, I think pussy should be classified as a drug too, because pussy costs more and is a hell of a lot more addictive than all three.If Brad Pitt was a woman I would fuck him. If I were gay I would fuck him. Hell, if I were bored and he just so happened to be locked in my basement with an apple in his mouth and lipstick on his nipples, I'd fuck him. That is one sexy bitch with man-tits.I'm they type of guy who is sensitive. I know that it's not polite to fart at the opera, in church and especially when a woman is going down on you. However, if she scrapes her teeth across my penis, anything goes and farting is the least of her worries. Sometimes, when I get head for the first time from a woman, I hold an avocado in my hand and if she is too rough, I rub it in her hair. That shit will leave her hair green for a month. Try it.You cannot light your farts on fire but you can light your asshair on fire. I have hospital records to prove it.I have an extra tooth in my mouth, it's true and I have the x-rays. What am I going to do with this tooth? Sell it on Ebay.I graduated high school once. I went to college a few times too. Jail was fun but nothing was more enjoyable than seeing the look on my fathers face when I told him I had three testicles. He nearly shit himself. It was a proud day in our family.I've done stand up comedy. I've done stand up talking and I stand up while I eat cereal. I've done a lot of things while standing other than sleeping and taking a huge shit. Not that I can't shit while standing up but sometimes, it's just so painful you need to sit down to take the stress off your thighs.My girlfriend probably hates me by this point but it's okay. I'm mad at her anyways. She stole my viagra and now her nipples are harder than a fuckin math problem in japanese.