Alive people:
The God of Music; Bob Dylan would be amazing to even sit near, never mind speak to. The Boy Least Likely To again, to tell them in person how happy they've kept me even since the best day ever when I got to meet them. Part of me is still surprised that they are real. Usually things I love turn out to be pretend. Joanna Newsom and Devendra Banhart to ask them what their crazy music is about. David Hockney to thank him for making acrylic paint so popular. Vivienne Westwood to congratulate her for punk. Dawn Bibby to give her a bloody good slap.
Dead people:
John Lennon to find out how to make simple lasting poetry. Dylan Thomas to tell him he was the last non-embarrassing Welshman. Elvis to tell him I understand how he didn't know he was being taken for a ride by Colonel Tom Parker. Andy Warhol because he made me love art
Fictional people:
Totoro to give and receive chunks. Bill and Ted so I could see a Wyld Stallyns gig.
HOW TO GAIN MY RESPECT IN 10 EASY STEPS
1. Take a genuine interest in art theory and practice, poetry and prose and folk music variants
2. Be able to enjoy foreign films with subtitles
3. Love me, love Dylan and Lennon - this is not optional
4. Read the book before the film comes out.
5. Admit your weaknesses and embrace or conquer them; don't deny them
6. Know the difference between and when to use: bought and brought; their, there and they're; blues and jazz; saw and seen; those and them
7. Pronounce "th" with the tip of your tongue on the back of your upper incisors, not with your lower lip on them: "thought" and "fought" are two very different words. January is a month, not a "munff"
8. Understand that Bob Dylan, The Boy Least Likely To, James Dean, Frida Kahlo, Coco Chanel, Dylan Thomas, Harrison Ford, Noel Fielding and the House of Windsor are NOT to be mocked under ANY circumstances EVER.EVER
9. Realise that the spiritual is more real than the tangiable
10. Understand that you're better than no-one and no-one is better than you, but no-one is you. Be yourself: don't put on a fake accent; don't mock those you're jealous of; don't be ignorant of lifestyles you don't lead. Be different; dye your hair funky colours, speak in Middle English, only eat fruit out of tins. Whatever it takes.