JBone

THIS IS MY DAILY PRAYER
Thank you for this food, please nourish it to my body. Please smite all the evil people in the world with a scorching case of herpes. I pray that you smite them because I cannot "forgive those who trespass against us" as said in the Lord's Prayer. I am weak, and smiting the wicked is one of the few things I get a kick out of... this is my pleasure. I understand that "Evil" and "Wicked" are open to interpretation, but not in this prayer. Please let me resist the urge to put gum in an empty seat at the movie theatre and wait ... until someone sits in it. That's funny to me. Give me the strength not to play in the medicine cabinets and place plastic wrap on all the toilet bowls at people's house when I'm drunk. Please resurrect Rick James so Dave Chappell can make more fun of him... and make Charlie Murphy president. Please send Michael Jackson to a planet where is current age is regarded as adolescent, and have him sleep with men who haven't shaven their backs in months. Please open up one of those brainwashing service places like in Total Recall, so I can forget I just turned 30. Please make the McRib sandwich a permanent menu item. I also pray that you give me the strength to make my hangovers productive... if I'm going to sweat, breathe heavy and shake, I might as well be mowing the lawn. Please limit the variety of ringtones in the world, I just cannot handle the cleverness of another Napolean Dynamite movie quote phone ring... Gosh. Please let Emril get botulism. Please let me understand that everyone driving faster than me is not a maniac, and everyone driving slower is not an idiot. Please let Sly and the Family Stone open up for the next Hoobastank concert, so the youth of the world can see what real music is all about, John Coltrane can be there too. Matter of fact when I get to heaven I'd like tickets to see my dream band, "Whiskey in a Jar" comprised of Jerry Garcia, Miles Davis, John Lennon, Kieth Moon, Jimi Hendrix, Marvin Gaye, Muddy Waters, Johnny Cash, Frank Zappa... hmm I can't see Johnny Cash and Frank Zappa getting along too well, might have throw Ronnie VanZant (Lynyrd Skynyrd) in there to keep them two seperated... oh yeah and Mushmouth from the Fat Albert band. Please give me Superman's powers. I know that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely... But it rocks absolutely too. Bestow upon the predisent of PETA an all-leather interior Escalade with big baby seal eyes for headlights, otter pelts for hubcaps, and curb feelers made from the whiskers of Siberian tigers. Please take the words "Freedom", "Republic", and "Democracy" out of George Bush's speech writer's Thesaurus, as it comprises 37% of his addresses to the nation. (Try playing a drinking game where you have to drink after every one of the aformentioned words is uttered, you'll rival the yearly per-capita alcohol consumption of the Texas A&M University campus in under an hour.) Being a Texas resident, I pray that you make Mexico's pharmecutial quality standards and availibility that of Canada's. I understand that I'm not writing the best prayer in the world, but my daddy taught me if I can't learn to do something well, I better learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
In beers, bitters, and lager.... Amen