tolson

1) i'm a soft heart glazed in pure evil. 2) i've got this enviously formidable, luscious hair, like princess diana or something, or george michael in his glorious wham! days, so wanton in volume and scale. 3) recently i've been doing violent exercises in the morning to keep fit, i found this video in the street one day passing this huge pile of junk, there it was, so i took it home. it has this black man in spandex jumping around and screaming at you to 'feel it' followed by a speight of whoops. i think i almost slipped a disc when i snapped my neck back doing the sit-ups the black man was demonstrating, so i had to quit for a few days, or forever, i haven't decided yet. my neck was jammed in the same position for ages...it's loosening up now, though i had to rotate my whole body to reply to questions and such-like rather than having the facility with which to just turn my head. ------- video. in the end a large blob of 'deep heat' got me right as rain again and allowed me to get some sleep, though my pillow smelt of it in the morning. 4) i almost died recently in intensive care for two months, i lost two stone in a week and had a professor feeding fresh cannulars into my arms by the day and tapping monitors and looking at things written on charts with a look of concern crossing his features. he even shoved a big syringe into my heart lining to suck out some bad fluid, i was only under local anaesthetic, watching them stick a scalpal followed by a seven-inch-long needle into my chest. the old bastard took three litres out of my inner-ribcage, first by plunging it out fast - and then, because they wanted to get all the badness out - via a plastic pipe, this vile clotted liquid that collected slowly in a bag below my bed for several days. when they finally did take it out - and i'm not even making this up - i coughed a few times and yellow liquid squirted out of the hole and across the room like a water pistol. jesus. and then, like i said, after two long months i was out, cured, so they said, but lacking fatness. then came a strict routine of eating as much as i could stuff into my mouth, as much as the laws of physics would allow, for a couple of months whilst getting paid incapacity benefit because my frail legs could barely get me up the stairs. a chore indeed. by the time our lovely government had deemed me fit again for work i'd paid off my overdraft; they were ever so generous in that respect, giving me £70 a week for the inconvenience of not being able enough to toil. i saved the whole lot of the money, let it slowly pay off my overdraft, cure it, like an overdraft drip. 5) i have a cat called 'rimjob' or just 'jobby' for short, and we also have another one called 'bobby'. jobby and bobby. rimjob got her name because she was a bit overly affectionate with bobby when they were both kittens, though she seems to have grown out of rimming now and we're all proud of her for it. she eats mice now instead of bums.