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I was orphaned by a man who calls himself Theo Adam.
My parents and he excavating an ancient tomb in Egypt.
He also kidnapped my sister Mary, who it took years to find.
More about her later.
I went to live with my uncle after the deaths of my parents,
but he threw me out into the streets and stole my inheritance.
Bastard.
Anyways, I tried to take care of myself on the streets of
Fawcett City by selling newspapers near an old subway station.
While selling papers one rainy night, a dark clothed stranger came up
and asked me to follow him down into the subway station.
In the days of Michael Jackson and such, I really shouldn't have gone,
but what did I know.
There, a strange subway train with no visible driver appeared
(wait, it gets weirder)
, And we went to his "secret lair".
I thought the Jesus juice was coming next but no.
This guy took off the dark clothes
and came out looking like freaking Gandolf the Grey.
Called himself Shazam. I just nodded my head and smiled.
Then this "ancient wizard" reveals that he had selected me
to be his champion to fight for good as
the "strongest and mightiest man in the world--
Captain Marvel!".
I was so not convinced until asked me to say his name.
I was like "Aw shit, here it comes."
But when I said Shazam, something happened.
You see, his name was an acronym
for various legendary figures
who have agreed to grant aspects of themselves
to a willing subject:S for the wisdom of Solomon
H for the strength of Hercules
A for the stamina of Atlas
Z for the power of Zeus
A for the courage of Achilles
M for the speed of MercurySo when I said the wizard's name,
and am immediately struck by a magic lightning bolt
(yeah, I didn't beleive it at first either),
which turned me into Captain Marvel, an adult superhero.
I looked just like my dad,
if he ever went to the gym
and continued to do so for 6 years straight.
The wizard also told me that
I only had to speak the word again
to be instantly changed back into Billy.
"I was like sweet. Now, what's the catch?"And as he was about to tell me,
a big ass granite block fell from about his throne
and kills him.
I'm like, "Holy Shit."I mean, who puts a granite rock above their chair, really.
But I figured I had better do something good with these new powers,
so I went and found Theo Adam. This time, I was ready.
Since I looked like my dad, Theo Adam guesses my identity,
had a revelation about the power of Shazam,
and used this scarab thing from the tomb to become Black Adam.
He looked alot like I did and seemed to have all the same strengths.
I figured, Good, fair fight.
After a while I beat the piss out of him.
He took off with his boss,
an old rich scientist named Dr. Thaddeus Sivana.
Bitches.I swore up and down that I would find my sister,
which I eventually did.
Story for another time.
We're talking about me.
Anyways, I decided to take this Ferrari of a body for a test drive.
I went and found some decent clothes
and hit the town in Atlantic City.
Easy to get there when you fly.
I had twenty bucks on me
and I used the wisdom of Solomon
to win $68,000 at the Trump Taj Mahal.
I got a comp room, met the Donald
(stupid hair)
, hooked up with a couple of cocktail waitresses
and three other women over the next five days.
That stamina of Atlas thing is no joke, son.
Anyways, I realized that was fun and all,
but I was still like 9 years old
(seriously)
and had to go out and find a new purpose in life.
So I put the money in the bank
and went back to that subway tunnel.
It was kind of dark,
so I lit this torch that was near the throne.Suddenly, like out of freaking Star Wars,
the ghost of the wizard appeared.
I said, "Holy Shit, Ben Kenobi, you scared me."
He appologized
and told me that all I had to do was light that torch
and he would show up if I ever needed advice.
He told me to stop swearing so much.
(Hey, I working on it, dammit.)
And he said that he saw me with those women.
I stopped and looked at him.
He gave me the thumbs up and this goofy smile.
Silly old pev.Anyways, I won this contest, as Billy,
to guest dj on the radio for a week.
After it was over, The owner of the station WHIZ,
Sterling Morris, offered me a job on the air.
I was like sweet.
He said that my dad would have to sign some papers.
I was like, Uh, yeah, let me get him.
So I did the C.M. thing and signed as William Batson, Billy's dad.It was awesome being able to play my own father.
It got me out of a lot of jams
and in with some MILFs later on.
Sweet. So I did this job for a couple of years,
bought a house, and chilled in the burbs for a while,
doing my Captain Marvel gig when I needed to.
But it was tough
not having anyone to talk to about being a super hero.
I tried the high school thing,
but I already knew more than some teachers
and the jocks were too dumb.
And as for girls,
you don't really do much talking
when someone's chicken-heading you.
I needed a group of people to hang with.I found this tryout for the Justice League.
Seemed like a gig worth taking.
The group itself was pretty unique.
Lots of rotating faces,
some guys were cool
(GL, Wally, the big S, J'onn, those were my peeps).Some were not as cool
(you know who you are, Gardner. Assclown).Some seemed creepy
(Bats, Aquaman, Obsidian).
There were some hot chicks there,
the hottest being this one chick, Diana.
But I think she and Supes had something going.
Figures.Anyways, I ran with that crew for a while,
runnning into Black Adam and Sivana
again and again.
I started to get bored and took some time off.
Saw Europe and Asia and shit.
I was still a reserve member
until a few years ago,
when I became a member of
the revived Justice Society of America.
These were the old bastards who were the catalyst for
the League.
I heard the Black Adam "reformed" and joined the JSA
and I wanted to keep an eye on him.
Black Adam eventually left the JSA
to instigate a takeover of his home country of Khandaq;
he had a fondess for the country,
and wished to see the totalitarian regime done away
in what he saw as justice.
Whatever.I'll still kick his ass.I stayed with the team.
During my time in the JSA, I started to date
Courtney Whitmore, a.k.a. Stargirl.
She was smoking hot and we were close to the same age.
I was 16 and she was like 17.
But this kind of put me in an unusual position:
while I could legally date Courtney as Billy Batson,
it looked very strange for the grown-up Captain Marvel
to be with the teenaged Stargirl.
Very Jerry Lee. Or Gary Glitter as some would say.
The Mesozoic Era Flash, Jay,
another JSA member, confronted me about the issue.
However, instead of telling Garrick
and the team the truth about my age
or beating his old ass to the ground,
I tapped into the Wisdom of Solomon
instead of Courtney's ass
and left the team and Courtney.Got a goodbye hummer, though.I'll fill you in on the rest later.-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- START YOUTHINK.COM QUIZ RESULTS --
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