When I was asked by myspace to write about me, I immediately thought who could better write about my life than me? It turned out I was wrong. Most people could have told you accurately about my life within one or two lines (if they preferred the long version) while writing about it myself meant it would be insufferably longer. How much longer? Well I couldn't say exactly, but certainly longer than it takes a reasonable man to find the truth about himself. I know what you're thinking "wait a minute, I'm a reasonable man and I haven't found the truth about myself yet". well it may be right, but keep in mind you will probably have found it by the time you reach the end of this. Possibly partly with my help. And the truth about yourself will probably be akin to something like this: your life is much much better than mine.
About me. Well there's a lot of things to be said about it. But there's mostly just a few important years to keep in mind.
1978: That's the year I was born. My parents experienced a joy they felt would never end but then they remembered they had had my brother a year before and that their joy had been short lived enough that four months later they thought about making another baby. They had no illusions about how long I'd make their lives feel worthwhile, which was anywhere between then and the fiftieth time they'd get up at night to change my diaper. I spent at least a year of my life shitting a lot. I've shat some since then but in lesser quantities.
1984: This is more or less the year I found out about masturbation. I felt a joy I thougth would never end but that did about 20 seconds later when my orgasm ended. Right then I knew I had to try it again some day. So I did. Most days since then actually. I'm still not getting sick of it. It's pretty amazing like that. Please don't try to calculate how many times I've done it with this information. I already have an I don't want to remember the answer........What did you get though?
1985: This is the year the NES came out. Unfortunately I wouldn't get one until 3 years later cause my parents sucked. Upon playing it I felt a joy I thought would never end but that did when Princess Toadstool failed to say she was in another castle. It was then that I learned the sad truth, contrary to the Pac man and Space invaders of yore, Nes games had an ending. Upon learning that I felt a
sadness I thought would never end but that did when my parents shoved money in my hand and told me to stop whining and go buy another game. Since then my life has been pretty much about getting new games. Actually, the NES changed my life. And when I say that I mean it took the only one I had and never gave it back. How much of a life did you have anyway when you were 9 you ask? well I played with Masters of the Universe action figures and biked a lot which is about as good a life as anyone can hope to get down here and you can quote me on that but if you do please write my full name and the year I was born in which can be found above.
1989: This is the year the first Batman movie came out. Sure you're thinking "oh but there was that 60's tv movie one with Adam West". To which I'd answer "Please don't be a retard". If you're asking why it's an important date to remember, then clearly you've got retardo. Which isn't the same thing as being retarded. Here's an excerpt of the retardos TV fundraiser song "Hey retardos/why can't you walk over here/cause you've been out mending fences/and you probably can't even walk now". It's a serious condition. Don't make fun of their struggle.
1990: This is the year I got a proper PC. I used it to play Quest games and write at least one Batman story which likely sucked but probably not as much as the ones they used to pay adults to write in the 50's and 60's. It ws also the year of the first war on irak. I spent months fearing we'd get nuked. Now looking back I realise it was the first signs of the anxiety condition and other constant useless worries that plague me to this day. For example right now i'm pretty convinced I have a terminal disease. It happens about once a month.
1992: This is the year the SNES came out. They even released Batman games on it. They weren't very good but I don't think anybody actually cared. In fact it was pretty much the policy back then to release shitty games and have people not care about it. That's what the Nintendo Seal of Quality was all about.
1996: This is the year the N64 came out. If you're seeing a pattern here. You'd be wrong. The snes came out 7 years after the nes and the n64 4 years after. So clearly there is no pattern here. This is also the year I first touched a girl's boob but that paled in comparison. Actually it rocked but she wouldn't let me touch them again so because of that painful memory and boob rejection I decided it wasn't really that great an event. Actually I think it was 1995 but it really doesn't matter.......or maybe it does matter.
Ok I've had enough with the dates thing but I'll just let you know in closing that somewhere between 1996 and now I've had sex at least once and it was awesome. Well at first. Then it kinda gets a little tedious and you sorta want to ask your partner if she'd mind trying to look better. At this point in this text all my ex girlfriends (which can incidentally all be found in my friends list) are looking furious and are thinking "surely he don't mean ME!?". Well you're right, I don't mean you. I mean the other ones. I'll always like you best you know that.
Also about the same year as the n64 came out I picked up bass and later guitar. I thought it would get me laid more easily. Judging by the amount of sex I had up t'il then which was zero and comparing it with now, I can safely say this: it fucking works. And keep in mind I never actually used the line "I'm in a band" mostly because I never was in a band long enough for it to truly affect my sex life
and besides even when I was in a band, they kinda sucked so I preferred not to tell anyone about it. If you're reading this and I've been in a band with you, well it's about time somebody told you straight. Really, we sucked. I could ask the people I know who are in a band how much they're getting laid but then I'd be like "oh you fuckers". Most likely though they'd say "nah it doesn't work" And then would throw a little wink just to leave me to dream about the crazy orgies their lives must be. Although origes are gross cause they're bound to give you HIV. Which is a terminal disease. I probably already have it anyway along with that lymph cancer and endocardia i'm developing. Later this month I might get rheumatic fever. If i'm not dead by then.
In any case, always remember that in any rock quiz question, the right answer is always Bruce Springsteen. Unless the question is "name an artist or band which rocked or rocks better than Bruce Springsteen" In which case the answer is "hahahahhahahahahahah" Or alternately "no one".
