Jeff

People often ask me, “Jeff, is it difficult being the greatest human being ever?"
Well, I’m here to tell you, kids— it’s not!
Being a great human being is something that just comes naturally to me. Sure, a lot of pressure comes with having to make the right decision every time and treat everyone with respect, but when you’re as awesome as I am, this sort of thing is simple. It’s nothing like dealing with the burden of being the prettiest person in the world, ’cause let me tell you, that is hard work, my man.
You’d think being able to coast by on my good looks would be an advantage, but much like anyone who thought we’d never see a TV show where fifty midgets would challenge an elephant in an airplane-pulling contest, you’d be very wrong. I’m never sure if people love me or if they just love my crushingly handsome exterior.
Even I was shocked to discover that my current employer hired me not because I’m the smartest or funniest person they've ever met— check and check— but because I’m so damned foxy. While I appreciate it when people acknowledge my considerable physical beauty, I'd love to be judged by my skills and accomplishments, of which there are many.
I prefer not to be treated like some sort of manimal, thank you very much.
Being the prettiest person in the world also means meeting people is more difficult for me than it is for you normals. My sheer sexosity makes some ladies faint just by looking at me from across the room. Those who can maintain consciousness in my presence rarely have the confidence to approach me. Thankfully, in addition to being the greatest and prettiest person in the world, I am also the smoothest.
Occasionally, I will saunter up to an attractive woman— not more attractive than me, obviously— and say something like, “Excuse me, miss, but where did you get those pants? The reason why I ask is they look like they were manufactured in the state of Tapdatassachussetts.”
After this, it is common that she and I will immediately retreat to the the nearest available flat surface where we will make sweet, mind-altering love for two consecutive weeks, nonstop, because I also have more stamina than anyone in the entire known universe.
Of course, I have many non-carnal skills as well. In fact, I’m the most talented person ever to grace the Earth. You name it and I can do it better than you. Calculus? It’s on. Bust freestyle rhymes? Holler at your boy. Impersonate “Macho Man” Randy Savage? Oh yeah. Open jars with really tight lids? Bring it.
The world’s largest corporations recognize my talents and often ask me to endorse their products. As cool as it would be for every home to have a Jeff’s Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine or to have Nelly record a song about his Nike Air Jeffys, I simply cannot allow it.
Accepting enormous sponsorship checks and starring in commercials with industry luminaries like Jay-Z or Robert Goulet just doesn’t ring true to my character, and I must, above all, keep it real. It’s the least the most honest person on the face of the planet can do.
Truthfully though, I think my greatest feature might just be that I’m the most humble person in the world. I may be the best, prettiest, funniest, smartest, smoothest, most talented and honest person the world has ever known, but I’m certainly not going to brag about it. No, no. I’m much too good for that.