BenBen

1. Have you ever gone mud ridin' or "Mudding"?
When I eat fried food I do get the "Mud-Butt."
2. Have you ever lived on a dirt/gravel road?
Man, you haven't truely LIVED until you have lived on a dirt/gravel road. Me - no, but you should.
3. Ever been swimmin' at the river?
I've been "sucked out on" at the river (Texas Hold'em)
4. Ever had a bonfire party?
NO, but I once had a dream that I went to a Bon Jovi party. He saw a million faces and he rocked them all.
5. Have you ever driven a tractor?
That sounds like a euphemism. Is it? Man tonight I need to "drive a tractor" if you know what I mean. DUDE! Ever "driven a tractor?" Know what I'm sayin'? Well, I say, "No" to both the euphemism AND the literal tractor. I would also like to add that I have never "husked corn" or "shucked oysters." And nor have I "plucked chickens" or "tossed salads."
6. Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes but I was drunk and it didn't mean anything.
7. Ford or Chevy? There was this time John Ford was in pursuit of a Chevy and they called it the John Ford - Chevy Chase.
8. Kissed someone in a pick up?
Whenever I do things to people I always do them in a pick up.
9.Whats your favorite country song?
"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis. Wait. Which country?
10. Ever done 90 miles per hour down a dirt road?
I don't think I would phrase it, "DONE 90." I think I would say that I had "GONE 90." -If that were even true. I mean if you were going to ask the question why not just make it "100?" Is "90" the highest speed?
I mean really. Maybe 90 is the top speed in a NISSAN but I thought we were all in FORDs or CHEVYs. I'm not trying to DODGE the question. I'm just saying that in GENERAL, MOTORS made by the country born on PLYMOUTH rock could go fast enough to make the MERCURY really rise. Our founding fathers had to fight off LAND ROVERs of all kinds, like JAGUARs, CHEROKEEs, PONTIAC and the Indian uprising. I mean Jesus CHRYSLER they must have felt like they were on SATURN with all the wierdness. They were probably thinking, "I would give LINCOLN a HUMMER if this wouldn't go on for INFINITI." I realize this may not be a very ACURA account of history. A great MINI of my facts are wrong. But I'm not gonna get all BENTLY out of shape about it. I may SAAB a little. Why don't you just go back to playin' with your Toy Luke Skywalkers and your TOYOTAs. What was the question?
11. Worked/Lived on a farm?
The Funny Farm?
12. Been to a rodeo?
Yes and I thought it was a bunch of bull.
13. Do you own cowboy boots?
NO. Leasing.
14. Do you have a cowboy hat?
Yes, three.
15. Have you ever said "git er done"?
No. And people that do say that around me get a proper punch in the balls.
16. Country skyline or a city skyline?
Have you ever seen those light-up pictures in the malls, where it looks like the water is actually moving? Man, those things are cool. I want to get a ton of those and cover all my windows with those. That would be cool.
17. Can you name a Rodeo star?
Yes: JUDY GARLAND. Oh wait. I'm sorry; I thought the question was "Name a gay icon." But that's not what it said.
18. Do you think tractors are sexy?
BETTE MIDLER. Oh, shit. My mistake again.
19. Ever rode a 4-wheeler?
Or did the 4-wheeler ride me? Yes I was 17, riding a 4-wheeler, and through a combination of great enthusiasm and a poor understanding of physics, I ran over myself.
20. Are you from the country?
Not only am I from the country, I'm from the continent.
21. If so, are you proud of it?
Proud as punch. (Is that even a saying? How 'bout "Proud as pie." That doesn't sound right either. Proud as pudding. Proud as pumpernickel. Proud as a peach. Proud like a Prom Dress. Proud as a primrose parade. Potato sack. Panty-line. Pesto paste. Pill box. Peacock... SHIT! That's the saying. Proud as a peacock. I don't really like that saying.) I'm going with proud as a poot.
22. Gone hunting?
Only for Good Will.
23. Gone fishing?
A song by Weezer from the "Green Album." The video has the Muppets in it. It's awesome.
24. Is your heart in Dixie?
My heart is between "I" and "N.Y."
25. Been on a hay ride?
Once in Waxahachie I went on a "HAUNTED Hayride." Was it scary? Well... The concept in and of itself is scary to me. I suffer from "hay fever" so right away I'm a little edgy. You take away the allergies, though, and it was lame.
26. Have you ever line danced?
I don't think so. Once I was give a sobriety test. That's kinda like line dancing isn't it? First you drink a lot of beer then you interact with people you don't really like but you pretend to -just to get through it; and then the next day you regret everything, especially the things you can't remember.
27. Camped under the stars?
Yes. I have also starred in camp and I mooned a superstar.
28. Have you ever been cow tippin'?
Yep: Twenty percent! (Sometimes the tip is included. Check for that. Usually if it's 6 cows or more the tip is included.)
29. Do you drive a pick up truck?
Yes. Guess what kind. Here's a hint. It's a make I have mentioned here already.
30. Fell asleep in a hay stack?
No. Again with the allergies.
31. Own a pair of overalls?
I did but they were too big. I looked like Mario's younger brother wearing hand-me-downs.
32. Drank Moonshine?
Yes and threw up moonshine. It's worse the second time.
33. Include the word "yonder" in your daily vocabulary?
No, (YAWN) der.
34. Ever tried chew?
No but I do shoot up between my toes because chew is gross.
35. Milked a cow?
No but not from a lack of trying.
36. Plucked a chicken?
I answered this one already. No. Not euphemistically and not literally either. BUT...
Lemme just throw this out. I have "fucked" a chicken. (Which is slang slang for I "had sex with" a chicken.)
37. Is sweet tea your favorite drink?
Skip it. Still thinkin about chicken-head.
38. Been to a race?
Yes. I have been to Mexican.
39. Country, Southern or Redneck?
I choose D) All of the above. (Also Known As "asshole.")
40. Know all the words to at least one David Allen Coe song?
Yes. I know all the words to "YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME BY MY NAME."
The only thing I'm not sure about is the title. Is it called "YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN" or is it titled "YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME BY MY NAME?" I guess the worst case scenario would be that it's called "YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN (DARLIN) YOU NEVER EVEN CALLED ME (I WONDER WHY YOU DON'T CALL ME) WHY DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME BY MY NAME." That would be a fuck of a title. Even for a country song. It would be the CADILLAC of song titles.
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