Richard Ryder

I'd like to meet:

Who wouldn't I like to meet?

I used to want to meet Madonna but something tells me she wouldn't have yummy snacks at her house what with all this Kabbalah bullshit (no offense. I'm just judging).

I'm totally in love with Cyndi Lauper. Always have been, always will be but it's probably for the best if she and I don't meet. I'm sure I'd scare her with my screams of joy and crush her to death in my Head Lock Of Love. I wouldn't mean to, you understand. Things just kinda happen. No biggie.

I would also like to meet Cher (gay enough for you?) but I'm not sure I'd recognize her. Anymore.

That dirty little bitch who likes to suck it, Matthew Fox can get lost on my island anytime. And by Island, I mean ass. Or he and that sexy little bitch who plays Sawyer, can get lost together. Just as long as I can take pictures. Hey, it's not my fault I'm a shutterbug! You should see the size of my lense. It's perfect for those tight shots. What were talking about?

Annie Lennox would totally hate me. I'm sure I'm way too much of a nerd for her fabulousness.

Meryl Streep would talk about me after and not in a good way. Plus she'd probably win an award for it.

Canada's Mary Walsh is so funny, you'll laugh your hole off, but something tells me she would hate me too. That's okay though. She could slap my face and call me Nancy and I'd still love her hilarious brilliance!

I met Jann Arden once but I think I scared her. At least I hope I did or my jumping out at her from behind that car was a total waste on my part.

I bet I'd get along with that Sandra Bullock but I'd be staring at her dirty little sexy bitch of a husband so much we'd never be able to catch up on all the gossip! "Yeah, yeah Sandy, It's all a rich tapestry. Now hold on, that hot guy you married is picking up heavy stuff again. I'm heavy. Why doesn't he ever pick me up? What?"

I wouldn't want to meet aliens or Big Foot per se. I mean I wouldn't want them in my house. What would I serve them? I'd be better off sending them to Madonna's for some ancient twigs and berries. No, I'd like to know once and for all if they really do exist. You know, like Anna-Nicole Smith who, oddly enough, likes ancient twigs and berries.

Who knew?

Who else would I like to meet? Why you of course! Especially if you actually read any of this. How do we make that happen? You can demand me. Go on. Don't be shy. I promise not to jump out from behind any cars. Now dumpsters are a whole other kettle of fish...