Satan's Warriors

Satan's Warriors were the true originators of black metal. Satan's Warriors was started in 1642 by 3 peasants. They lived in the woods of Norway and would bang on rocks with sticks to make music for their goat sacrificing ceremonies. They were all killed by a bunch of church faggots and were soon replaced by five other guys. Since there was no guitars, basses or drums back then, they used bagpipes, human skulls, and shoboxes with rubber bands stretched over them. Since then the band has gone through 87 different members(many of which were used as human sacrifices) over 12 generations. Satan's Warriors are the influence for bands like Mayhem and Burzum, who supposedly started black metal, but are really full of shit and just want to take all the credit for starting this genre. SATAN"S WARRIORS ARE THE ONLY REAL BLACK METAL BAND EVER! ALL OTHER BANDS ARE FAKES!! WE ARE SO GRIM AND KULT THAT WE LIVE AND RECORD OUT OF A CARDBOARD BOX IN AN ALLEY! WE ARE SO KULT THAT WHEN WE CAN"T MAKE MONEY FOR FOOD BY STEALING COLLECTION PLATES FROM CHURCHES, WE STEAL PEOPLES HOUSE CATS AND EAT THEM AFTER WE SACRIFICE THEM TO SATAN! ANYONE THAT TELLS YOU THAT A WATERED DOWN SISSY BAND LIKE MAYHEM OR BURZUM IS BLACK METAL IS FULL OF SHIT! MAYHEM ONLY HAD TWO BAND MEMBERS DIE AND BURZUM ONLY HAS ONE IN JAIL FOR MURDER! EVERY MEMBER OF SATAN'S WARRIORS HAS DIED AT LEAST TWICE AND HAS KILLED OFF THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF AT LEAST TWO SMALL TOWNS!!!!!!!!!!! However, seeing that we have been together for over 3 centuries and always played plain old black metal, we have recently decided to branch out and add elements of gangsta rap, blues, country, and pop punk to our music, and we will soon be doing a tour with Blink 182 and Snoop Doggy Dogg.