HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND C.E.O. OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. BETWEEN BOUTS OF BAWDY BALL-BUSTING BUTT-BURGLING, I CAN OFTEN BE FOUND AT MY LOCAL LIBRARY PERUSING A BANK OF THESAURI TO ASSIST IN THE ALLITERATIVE ANNALS OF MY AWESOME ANAL ASSAULTS. HOWEVER, MY LATEST TRIP WAS NOT THE DRY ACADEMIC EXERCISE ONE MIGHT EXPECT. AS I SEARCHED THE SILENT STACKS, I SPIED A STUNNINGLY SCRUMPTIOUS SIREN SITTING STUDIOUSLY AT THE REFERENCE DESK. ALL THOUGHT OF BORING, BANAL BOOK-BROWSING LEFT MY MIND AS OUR EYES MET AND THE BEAUTIFUL BOOKISH BABE'S BODACIOUS BOSOM BOBBED BOUNCILY WITH HER SUDDEN INDRAWN BREATH. MY TRUCULENT TROUSER TORPEDO TORE A TUMULTUOUS TRAIL OF TERROR TO HER TWITCHING, TITILATINGLY TENDER TWAT, UPENDING BOOKSHELVES AND SENDING HORRIFIED PATRONS FLEEING FOR THEIR LIVES. AS MY UNCTUOUS UNDULATING UNDERWEAR USURPER LURCHED LASCIVIOUSLY THROUGH HER LUSCIOUSLY LUSTY LIBRARIAN LABIA, LUBRICATING HER LOVEBOX WITH A FURIOUS FOAMING FLOOD OF FROTHY FUCK-FLUID AT THE CRITICAL CREST OF OUR CRIMINALLY COCKTASTIC COPULATORY CRESCENDO, HER CRIES OF UNIMAGINABLE PLEASURE WERE MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY LIBRARIAN'S "SHUSH." I GUARANTEE IT.
Did I ever tell you about the time Ben Jones took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Ben takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Ben yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!
We once had a bachelor party for Ben. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
If me and MacGyver were locked in a room together, I would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
People with amnesia still remember me.
I once forgot where I put my keys. I then spent the next half-hour torturing myself until I gave up the location of the keys.
Every time you masturbate I kill a terrorist. Not because you masurbated, but because that is how often I kill terrorists.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that I am, in fact, still alive.
I once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
