I am an ass. I am a jerk. I am a fucking fuck. I am a motherfucker. I am a bastard. I am a shit bag. I am a dirty piece of fuck. I am a rank turd.
I am also a graphic designer for an ecommerce software company.
Dearest cheeseburger, where ever you are... I loved you all my life. You complete me.
Stuff that makes me sick:
Dairy products, roller coaster rides, peanut brittle, chinese herbal tea, little ugly dogs, warm soda, raw sushi, static, sick kids and the Dodgers.
Dairy Products:
White knuckled evacuation, I find something to hold on to and hope I don't bleed. I also seek help from a higher power.
Roller Coaster Rides:
Yes. those are indeed teacups you see and yes, I get sick and might even ruin my pants.
Peanut Brittle:
The stuff looks like nutty turds to begin with. I remember eating some as a kid and left a trail of nutty vomit to the bathroom.
Chinese Herbal Tea:
The stuff smells like a sweaty armpit and tastes like burnt rubber. It is supposed to be good for you, but the stuff induces projectiles from every orifice.
Little Ugly Dogs:
Drool. Poo. Fuzz. Pee. What's to like about these little beasts? If I wasn't so allergic I would strangle them all.
Warm Soda:
It's akin to drinking stomatch acid. After a soda has turned luke warm all I can think about is all disgusting back-wash I put in it.
Raw Sushi:
It has the consistency of snot. I have been told it's good, but I believe it's a conspiracy to make me eat snot.
Static:
Fine, I am a whimp, I just don't like to get shocked by door handles, light fixtures or by a tater-tot (yes, I have been shocked by fried patatoey-goodness).
Sick Kids:
Boogers, coughing, sneezing, crying and whining. See "Ugly Little Dogs."
Dodgers:
Go back to Brookyn please! Angels fan for life! No thanks to the Dodgers the 101 and 5 freeway are perpetually jacked. And the Dodgers suck.