My girlfriend got annoyed. "How would you like a callused hand all over your private parts?"
I'd love it. How do you think my hand got callused in the first place?
-- Dwight Slade
I used to hate rain.
Then I realized it's God's way of washing off hippies.
-- demetri martin
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
--Emo Philips
There's no one here late at night except one gigantic lesbian.
Who is Conan O'Brien and why is she so sad?
-- Tim Conway, "30 Rock"
I used to do drugs.
I still do, but I used to, too.
-- Mitch Hedberg
If you figure something out, let us know.
We'll name the discovery after you, like they did for Johnny Flyswatter, or Doug Reacharound.
-- bullock, "american dad"
American Dad headlines:
Optimist Drowns in Half-Full Tub
Childhood Obesity Up, Pedophilia Down
Israel Pulls Out of Gaza. Gaza Not Pregnant.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
--Mel Brooks
How many of you are telekinetic?
Raise my hand.
-- Emo Philips.
I had a parrot.
The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.
-- Mitch Hedberg
Grandpa died and was resurrected three days later,
but no one called him the Son of God.
They just said, "Hey, there's Gramps!"
-- Steve Martin
You hear on the news about people who died and had to be identified using dental records.
I was thinking, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
--Robert Schimmel
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
-- Ray Garton
I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter who builds stairs.
- from "The Office"
My genius has come alive, like toys when your back is turned.
--Tracy Morgan, "30 Rock"
Video: Queens Of The Stone Age - "Little Sister"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Queens Of The Stone Age - No One Knows
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Korn - "Coming Undone"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player... ----- Mitch Hedberg -----
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby-naming book.
Or I would invite someone over who had a cast on.
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.
My roommate said to me, "I'm gonna go shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?"
It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Stabbing Westward - "Nothing"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
I like escalators. Because even when an escalator is broken you can still use it. It just becomes stairs.
Ozzy Osbourne - Perry Mason
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Staind - ''Sober'' - (Tool cover, live performance)
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Nobody thinks it's strange that Batman adopted a young boy, dressed him in a skimpy costume, and gave him a girl's name?
Linkin Park - Given Up
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Live performance (no audience)
Audioslave - "Like A Stone"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Audioslave - "Doesn't Remind Me"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Great song, but Audioslave didn't post it on their Myspace page. So here's the video.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house.
I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to.
But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
-- mitch hedberg
( http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg )
Whenever someone hands me a flyer, it's always
like they're saying, "Here... *You* throw this away."
I don't have a girlfriend.I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
-- Mitch Hedberg
My friend's blog about creepy father-daughter purity pledges:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&f
riendID=34348991&blogID=431770954
Ever been so drunk you called in sick to a place you don't even work at?
-- dave attell
People tell me not to use alcohol as a crutch.
Alcohol is nothing like a crutch, because a crutch helps you walk.
For me, liquor is less like a crutch and more like a step I didn't see.
-- Mitch Hedberg
Three Days Grace - Just Like You
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Comedian Denis Leary - Asshole
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Days of the New - Shelf In The Room
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Duran Duran - All She Wants Is
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Godsmack - "Serenity"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Alice in Chains - "Over Now"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Dani California"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Tom Petty - You Don't Know How It Feels (video version)
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
They changed the line "let's roll another joint."
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Aeroplane"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Otherside "
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Eurythmics - "Missionary Man"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Eurythmics - Here Comes The Rain Again
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
The Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Days of the New - "Touch, Peel, and Stand"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Days of the New - "Enemy"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
My playlist (the pop-out version)
www.../standalone/39977982
A woman dies and meets Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.
He welcomes her warmly, and just as the Gates open before her, she hears loud tortured screams coming from the other side.
"What is that?"
"Oh, that's just one of the Saints getting her wings. We have to drill holes in her back so we'll have a place to attach them."
He gestures for her to go through the gates.
"Um. I don't think I want to go in."
"Well, we won't force you to go to Heaven. But if you don't, you'll have to go to Hell, where demons will fuck you night and day. You'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
"Yeah, but I already have holes for that."
I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen
When choosing between two evils, I like to pick the one I've never tried before.
-- Mae West
People who live in glass houses... have to answer the doorbell.
-- Bruce Patterson
You know I was only e-joking.
Besides, why would I want to beat up homeless people, when blind people exist?
-- AdamB
He turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
-- David Frost
A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they're interested in fashion.
-- George Carlin (1937-2008)
They have these creams now. You're supposed to rub this stuff on your dick to make it bigger.
Obviously these creams don't work.
If they did, wouldn't your hand get bigger too?
- Robert Schimmel
We were really poor when I was growing up.
If I wasn't born a boy, I would've had nothing to play with.
-- rodney dangerfield
If you're skinny and have fat friends, there are no seesaws, only catapults.
-- Demetri Martin
I finished another book today.
It was a big one, too -- 421 pages.
That's a lot of coloring.
-- Adam Sandler
I wanted to go swimming so I whipped off my shirt and dropped it on the lawn.
It's a camouflage shirt, so now I can't find it.
-- John Fox
"Look! A secret message. From my teeth!"
-- The Tick
Lyrics Freak
Lyrics Domain
You really wanna confuse a guy?
Join him while he's taking a leak in the street.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
You wanna have sex with lots of girls?
I know the four words that will make any woman
say yes: Am I bothering you
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Magnets only work because ghosts like messing with people.
-- Jeremy C. Shipp
Headline:
PLANE DELAYED WHILE WAITING FOR MRS. PLANE TO GET READY
(From the opening sequence of "American Dad")
Radio1045.com (104.5 FM, Phila.)
Last Ten Songs Played
My idea of an orgy was using more than one magazine.
-- Drew Carey ("Dirty Jokes and Beer")
My wife crashed our car.
It wasn't *her* fault. The tree didn't hear the horn.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
And the top story for today:
Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.
--Colin Mochrie
There are people starving in the African desert.
But don't send them any more food, folks. Send them trucks.
Send them U-Hauls, send them luggage.
You know why you're starving? It's because you live... IN A FUCKING DESERT!
Nothing grows here. Nothing's gonna grow here!
Why don't you try living where the food is?
We have deserts in America too. We just don't live in 'em.
Get your kids, pack up your shit. We'll make ONE TRIP.
-- Sam Kinison
If you should die before me,
ask if you can bring a friend."
--Scott Weiland ("Still Remains" by the Stone Temple Pilots)
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Joblo.com
www.myspace.com/richardlaymonkills
Richard Laymon forum
laymon.lostdesinations.com/forum/
Richard Laymon bibliography
www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/l/richard-laymon
Gary Brandner bibliography
www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/b/gary-brandner
"I love being a writer.
What I can't stand is the paperwork."
-- Peter DeVries
Open letter from Michael Moore (2006)
Twilight Zone writer and Novelist Richard Matheson
Science Fiction writer John Varley
Anitra's Dance
Performed on electric guitar by Dan Sindel
Shocklines - online bookstore (specializes in horror)
Shocklines message board
http://shocklinesforum.yuku.com
Jane Espenson blog
Jane Espenson is a funny and talented TV writer.
She worked on Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Tru Calling, and several other shows.
Screenwriter David Fury
She just gave birth to septuplets -- seven babies one after another. Her vagina was like a clown car.
--from "Gary the Rat"
Buffy/Angel/Lost/Alias screenwriter Drew Goddard
Horror novelist Joe Hill and his blog
(He is the author of Heart-Shaped Box and 20th Century Ghosts)
Joe Hill's Myspace
http://profile.myspace.com/64604621
Novelist T.M. Wright
www.tmwrightonline.net
Horror novelist Joe Schreiber
www.scaryparent.blogspot.com
"Conserve water. Shower with a friend."
-- Chevy Chase
Robert X. Cringely (tech columnist)
www.pbs.org/cringely
Rob Thomas, creator of Veronica Mars
www.slaverats.com
Novelist Rick Hautala (aka A.J. Matthews)
www.rickhautala.com
There are 1 0 types of people in the world:
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Whedon.info (I wish they'd get rid of the ads though.)
Leisure Books (publisher of many horror novels)
Official LOST website, The Fuselage
'Monk' writer Lee Goldberg
Crafty Screenwriting
Complications Ensue
Novelists Chris Fahy , Christopher Golden , and W.A. Heisler
(Heisler's horror novel SALVATION is excellent.)
Depeche Mode - "Enjoy The Silence"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
AFI - "Miss Murder"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Nirvana - In Bloom
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
This is an alternate version of the song and video ("version 1").
The video is completely different and the song sounds a little rougher (in a good way).
Looks like they had a different drummer too.
Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Korn - Coming Undone (AOL Sessions)
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
Live version.
Seven Mary Three - "Cumbersome"
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
The Dandy Warhols - We Used To Be Friends
http://www.radio1045.com/cc-common/ondemand/player...
This became the VERONICA MARS theme song.