Leaving it all at the Alter: This past week at church we were asked to write down the things that were plaguing us in our lives, past sins, ect. For the millionth time in the past two years I was hearing you are forgiven and if you don’t forgive yourself you won’t be able to move on, finally I was able to let go. At the end of the service we were told to leave those sins at the alter, not to take them with us. As I put mine away for the last time, I felt my burdens unfold and I finally forgave myself for my mistakes. During my journey of wrong choices I lost a lot of friends and found out who was truly a part of my life. I was judge by everyone and I learned how to be there for others. I learned not to judge, because sometime we end up turning into the person we hate and don’t know how we got there. I was so judgmental and didn’t understand how people made mistakes. I thought there’s the right choice and the wrong choice, its easy pick the right choice. I understand what it is like to be 214 pounds and to feel absolutely unloved, to have turned your life into a total disaster and not want to get out of bed to fix it and to have to give up what you hold so dear to your heart because you know you have to. Here is a recent letter I have sent to my passion:Dear Goldette Parents and Students,I was waiting until after Nationals to write this letter, but I have realized that I have waited to long. I started teaching baton because of my love for the sport, I had a passion deep in my soul and wanted nothing more but to share that with my students. Unfortunately my life went through hard times and I took the studio with me. While I broke hearts and lost students, there were many that stuck by my side and I appreciate that. I knew my children were becoming more demanding and as a single parent my time was very limited, so at the beginning of this year we announced that Angela and Amber would be partners and that I would only be teaching the Junior Goldettes and my private students. When I was not able to attend contest or had to leave early for various reasons, I spoke with my private students but never thought to address the group. For this I apologize. In late April I made the decision to not continue teaching baton after Nationals, this was the toughest decision I have had to make and my heart broke. I know I can no longer dedicate the time needed to the gym; I have to be with my kids. I reacted the only way I knew how, I pulled away. It is hard for me to attend meetings and look at what I’m losing and the mistakes I have made. I guess this was immaturity on my part and for that I apologize. I have learned many lessons in the past few years and I have learned to accept criticism and to grow as a person. I accept your criticism for me not handling this situation properly and I apologize for any hardship I have caused anyone. I love the studio, Angela, Amber, the girls and families tremendously and this has been a terribly painful decision. This year was the first time I’ve missed a contest since I was nine and this Nationals will be the first I miss in 19 years. Please know that I will be thinking about all of you as you move forward.With love,
JosieAs the mess has been cleaned up I look back at what I have taken away and I’m amazed at what I see. I think about what I’m about to write and tears roll down my face. First, through all of this I have found God. I was living the perfect life and didn’t need him, it wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I realized he was my rock holding me up. Next, I have become more passionate, loving, and understanding toward others. I have learned to give back and that my life has a purpose much greater than I can imagine. I have become a better mom and cherish every moment I am with my children. They became my reason for living and in turn I have consumed my life with them. I learned about me and who I am. I am simple and like a simple house and simple things. I yearn to help others and I am sensitive. It is ok if I disagree with someone and I can speak about my feelings. I learned its ok to be overweight; no matter my shape I’m still valuable and needed. I learned that I am needed in the classroom and I have been given the opportunity to be a positive role model for teens everyday. I have learned that I am strong and independent. I had been told in the past that I couldn’t support my self. Well, I do!! Now that I am me and I love me, I’m able to love someone and let them become a part of me and I have become a part of him. Hamza has taken all that I am and loved me anyway. He has seen my mistakes and felt my pain and he loves me through it all. He loves my children as much as I do and lets me love his daughter to no end. He holds me when I’m down and nurtures the positive sides of me. He truly makes me a better person and I only hope I can do that for him. My dear friends Missy, Amber, and Angela have been there every day as I walked through this part of my life and I appreciate their love and support. I have regrets and I wish I could have learned these lessons with out putting myself through all of these trying times, but I know I was hard headed and had to learn on my own. Recently, I was watching Oprah and her life coach said your children become who you are and not how you treat them. Although I loved them, I hated myself. I don’t want my children to grow up hating themselves, yet loving others to no end. I have had to learn to love and forgive myself. If I listen to a friend tell me all their mistakes I offer them forgiveness, sometimes I have to imagine that person telling my all my mistakes, offer forgiveness, then put my face there. This is when I am truly able to say, Josie you are forgiven move on and accomplish greatness. Peace and love to all….Send my pics and video to your cell phone!
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