My name is Dylan.
I like to drink and take my pants off.
I was more fucked up than you were at that party.
I say "and shit" a lot.
I think that if my liver was a person, it wouldn't like me.
I think there's over a week of my life that I just don't remember.
I'm obsessed with snow. (The precipitation, not blowcaine)
I'm seriously considering just being a pornstar. And I hope that threatens you if you are reading this, women.
Everyone thinks I do drugs, including my mom and boss, but ironically enough I don't.
My boss also thinks I'm gay. But that's because we told her I was.
I also recently decided that I hate smokers. Why should I be cold just so you can smoke? And stop making me smell bad.
Don't ask me when raves are.
I'm totally gonna move to Vegas. But not cause I'm a lame PA hating scene kid. Just because its fuckin sweet.
I had the song "Bitches ain't Shit" stuck in my head for over 4 months. Top that, Seacrest.
I like my water straight from the springs of Fiji.
The clock in Chuck's car is 6 hours and 14 minutes behind.
Fuck the wind. Pollinate yourself, pine trees.
I treat my objects like women
I have CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be.
It doesn't count as meth if you do it on accident.
John Lennon ran a stop sign and cut me off.
I saw Rodney Dangerfield in Lyndora.
I've never been so sure about anything in my life other than those 2 things.
You can't get pizza for a dollar a slice at college, so fuck you Asher Roth.
I go to school with Dan Akyroyd, Pete and Pete, Patrick Swayze, and Juno.
I am now against white socks.
I don't do drugs because I stopped having an imagination when I was 7, and now I have a personality.
I hate when I can't tell if someone does blow.
My swagga is official.
I became addicted to gambling the day after my 18th birthday.
Patrick Walker's reaction to my break from alcohol: "breaks are for couples (you and alcohol) who are too pussy to accept you're meant for each other"
Things I hate:
Tyra Banks
Khloe Kardashian
Ranch
Pregnancy
This is gonna be a new section where I put a bunch of hilarious quotes.
"Do you have any money?" "I spent it all on Chicken and 40s"
"I got so cold today that I can never have fun again."
"How can a beat make you want to do blow?"
"Finish that 40, there's sober kids in Africa"
"Are you timid kitty?"
"If the cops come here I'm gonna hide in your attic like fucking Anne Frank"
"When I woke up I was laying on your birth certificate and your 9mm"
"I bet a bucket of rocks could roll down a hill faster than her."
"Sorry I'm drinking all your bong water."
"Do you want some hot pocket?" "I wish."
"This water tastes like roofies."
"It wasn't even like a front ass it was like a front shopping cart"
"Its in my glove box, under my blow."
"He's like a little black guy, that's white."
"You should put in your quotes that Dylan got KO'd by Beck"
"It was fat chick city and I was the mayor."
"Does he have some kind of disease where he can't shut the fuck up?"
"The only thing better than beer is a beer in a bottle."
"You'll have sex with everything, throw up, and then do it again"
"I like your hat, how many times did you change oil in it?"
"I hate coughing....but I love cigarettes."
"Want to see the worlds fastest clapping?" (Not as funny if you don't see the aftermath)
"Really, Dylan?" (You had to be there but it was so awesome that it has to be here)
"Use your crutches knee girl!"
"I can't stay, I have to go be on an episode of Charmed"
"and then I bled all over the blanket"
"Just looking at you makes me feel drunk again"
"Did you hide it?" "The gin or the cactus?"
"Do you want to do some drugs before you drive?"
"This ain't a day bed bitch!"
"She looks like ghandi if he was a white girl from butler"
"So I see you're into coke."
"White people and their lit up trees"
"I'll buy you cigarettes if you buy me cigarettes"
"That guy looks like a perogie"
"There's 3 quotes about coke, you fuck."
"Dead people suck." "Yeah, so do really poor people."
"Why haven't we seen any running?" "Maybe Owen watched it all."
"Its always better when the hooker cries."
"I could recognize your eyes from across the ocean."
"I think the only thing different about us is our feelings on Lil' Wayne and Methadone."
"We are not the same I am a walrus"
"This looks like a good place to sell some pills"
"Is your last name no balls?"
"Is this claritin or ecstasy?"
"He looks like that Shane or Shawn kid." "Its Steve, and no it doesn't."
"Xanax and strip poker go together like Hot Pockets and beer."
"We would only throw up if we drank it all in an hour." "Yeah, but we would."
"I hate complex. It's so....complex."
"Do a shot, eat a grape."
"I feel like if we were black I'd still be white."
"And that's why fags are gay."
"I think too highly of myself to do anything sober"
"No one is more fucked up than I am on this road."
"If you want to go to the zoo and see the lions, xanax is not the right approach."
"The only thing worse than a passed out emo kid is an awake emo kid."
"That'd be fucked up you'd wake up and all your serotonin would be gone and you'd have bruises."
"I hate when I'm high and I do hardcore drugs because I don't know when what is happening."
"All the kids here have the same haircut as my mom."
"Why are there no pills under these crackers?"
"I've never been to Mexico but I have been to Philly."
"She wanted me to pet her until she slept"
"It's like we're in a hot tub, but the water is room temperature and its made of couches"
"Polio wins because Polio has no safety word."
"Yelling at women is a waste of time that you could be beating them."
"Whisper it into my ass."
"I want to rob a bank and then put all the money I take in an account there."
"She was like quit crowding the car so I was like quit crowding our country."
"Why are all these mice shitting on our silverware while my cats just sit here and look sexy?"
"fuck them steelers how bout that lawn mower?"
"Hello. This is avon cosmetics, oh you dont want to buy my stuff? well then fuck off."
Another new section,
Things that I hate when people say:
Same shit, different day.
"Party"
