*K@t*

'People come up to me and say,
"What's wrong?"
Nothing.
"Well it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile".
Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?'
Bill Hicks R.I.P.
I'm terminally cynical with a penchant for the quirkier side of life. Passionate about music, movies and mates. I'm an enigma wrapped up in a paradox tied up with a big bow of contradiction.
Part comedy terrorist, part social commentator (but nobody ever listens). Part ninja, part art-installation (think Gilbert & George). Part historian, part fashion icon.
I used to be a Gofick but realised that it was too much like hard work (although eyeliner is still a must!) and have even branched out into wearing colours. I'll go all giddy over most things cute and fluffy but can still appreciate a well-made coffin and the odd pint of Snakey B.
I possess a withering glare and an acerbic tongue, both of which have been known to sting something chronic but if you're ever on the receiving end, no doubt I'll apologise and maybe even bake you some fairy cakes to seal the deal.
I like words that sound filthy, but aren't actually rude at all - like 'spurt' and 'rummage' and especially 'crevice'!
I do have a tendency to obsess over things/people/inanimate objects for very short periods of time, but don't worry, I'll be sure to get bored and move on eventually.
I occasionally embark on mythological quests - mainly to Jacksons to buy wine. At the moment I'm trying to find some Rum Babas.
I'm a good listener - so long as the subject interests me and I'm sat somewhere comfortable, like an old mans' pub or in a field.
I take great delight in subverting everything.
I'm loyal to the point of ridiculousness, I'll go to the ends of the earth for my friends which is probably why I take it so badly if they let me down or vice versa. I value honesty above all else, I don't care what people say to me, as long as it's the truth. Nothing hurts more than lies. Whatever I say about people, I will have the guts to say to their face and, if they extend me the same courtesy, we'll get along fine.
I like sending presents for no reason. I am intrigued/amused/entertained (in varying degrees) by bees, ATM machine buttons, things that flash or make cute noises, my endlessly fascinating fella Neil, squirrels and tramps.
I like to leave half-empty glasses of beverage around the house to remind people of my existence and general marvellousness.
I frequently argue with people on the phone. I like to take their name and report them to higher authorities.
If you are ever stuck for what to buy me as a present, a book of stamps, a bottle of wine and anything small, squidgy or sparkly will do nicely. Or black pudding. Or earrings.
I NEVER tell secrets - primarily because I'm somewhat addled and invariably forget everything I'm told very quickly.
I have a totally *rational* fear of all professionals who wear white coats.
I don't like children, I don't wish to be a 'mummy' - accept this and move on. NO! I will not change my mind. I will, however, make a great auntie. Well, so long as you don't mind your children watching psychedelic movies, playing in graveyards and getting the munchies as a result of second hand smoke. I AM available for children's parties by the way - I can't juggle or do balloon animals but I do a great workshop on the art of creative swearing.
I talk to animals like they are people............ and think they understand me.
If I laugh or make a joke when you tell me something really serious, please don't be offended, it's my only coping mechanism.
I wear sunglasses in the winter.
Writing letters of complaint is one of my super powers.
I have an uncanny ability to kill plants. I don't even have to concentrate. They just enter my domain and lose the will to photosynthesise.
Sarcasm is my default mode.
I have a love/hate relationship with all postmen - they have the capacity to bring great joy yet seem sent by Satan himself to taunt and exasperate me.
I like hats - they cover a multitude of sins and all of mine have different names and personalities.
I once ate a tuna pasta salad in the back of a car driving through Wales, while Alan Fletcher (AKA Dr Karl Kennedy from Neighbours) slept in the front seat.
I'm quite clumsy and have a propensity for losing my balance even when I'm stood quite, quite still. I have dodgy ankles and a gammy hip which conspire to make me fall down when I least expect it. The fact that I don't really concentrate, drink too much red wine and never look where I'm going doesn't help. If you are nearby, please help me up and try not to laugh too much.
I wish I could take life more seriously, but if I did I'm sure my head would explode. I do my best though - I root for the underdog, I recycle, I get angry at politicians, I hold doors open for old people (not that any of the miserable fuckers ever say thank you!), I care about people and I try not to break things.
Feel free to subscribe to my blog - it tends to be a bit rambling and surreal, but it's occasionally amusing (and somewhat foul-mouthed) a bit like me then!
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