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.. During my years of covert government service, I have gone through hell and back. Yes, I am proud to have served my country, helping to avoid many horrific tragedies. Rules are meant to be followed, but I have a history of insubordination. While the methods I employ may seem harsh, I always have one goal in mind: saving lives. In the process, I have had to make some tough decisions, often within seconds, in order to avert disaster.
To my friends: I'm sorry for not telling you everything. It's not that I don't trust you, but we are operating on a strict need-to-know basis. But when I'm in a jam, I hope I can count on you. Whether it's illegally hacking passwords of suspected terrorist financiers or keeping your mouth shut about my smack habit, I really appreciate everything. And if you ever find yourself unavoidably chained to a weapon of mass destruction counting down to zero, you know I'm the first one there with an ax. You can even use my belt to stop the bleeding while I radio Division for help. Sorry I can't stick around to accompany you to the emergency room, but there's still work that needs to be done, so get me that chopper. And set up a perimeter right away...
To my enemies: If I need information from you, seconds count. So apologies in advance if I have to break your thumbs or threaten to kill your family; I empathize with you. Believe me, I've been tortured plenty of times myself, and I know interrogation ain't no picnic. Please listen to me very carefully: I will DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop this assassination/nuclear bomb/horrible karaoke.
P.S. Feel free to add me to your friends list! Send me a detailed message first (preferably encrypted) with your full background information and a recent photo. I will reply within 24 hours with instructions as to how to proceed from there. Understand that if you deviate from my orders in any way, I will be forced to place you on the "Ignore/Block User" list. Are we clear?