GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH profile picture

GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH

It is this grandeur that protects the spirit within from the plight of this broken world.

About Me

Fart and poop jokes are not funny. The reason for this is that poop is gross, and farts are low-brow. Is that pretentious of me to elevate myself above those kinds of vile anecdotes? Perhaps.

Currently, I live in Tacoma, WA. I attend Pacific Lutheran University, where I am majoring in English (with a focus on writing). I work at the Sears in Puyallup selling lawnmowers and other things that are used by lawn care experts. Also fitness equipment.

I always wish I had more time.

I write when I can, and when I have inspiration. It's a passion. It's also what I hope to turn into a career.

I love German music. Not Bavarian polkas with lederhosen, but industrial metal and techno. Germans wake up, breathe, and suddenly experience a jolt of adrenaline. This is natural. In order to calm themselves, they must write music or do bench-presses, or their brains will melt. This explains Rammstein... and Ralf Möller.

I love Asian food. The Chinese brought us many things... the abacus, the pan flute, math, and General Tso's chicken! Thank you, ancient Chinese military master, for the best thing since Sun Tzu. I also love sushi (not Chinese).

I undertook some music classes at Pierce, and this was the result: DJ Freudian Slip All the songs except "I Sold My Soul" were made to be laughable, so don't be afraid to let me know you think my chord progression was arranged by an inebriated Riverdance reject.

My Interests

Things I May Be Doing (With High Frequency):

  • Studying... A LOT Enjoying the company of friends Watching movies Playing videogames Dining on Asian cuisine Working out (for real!) Writing (stories, songs, or poems) Surfing the net
  • I'd like to meet:

    Anyone that is willing to engage in intelligent conversation, really. Send me a message if you're interested in talking or chatting or anything; I'll send you my AIM screen name for speedy communication, if you wish.


    I'm also a single guy seeking a single female (I've found the coupled girls usually don't work out well). Some of the things I look for in a girl are (in no particular order of importance):

    Sense of Humor/Wit: I have a rather twisted sense of humor, so it would take a unique girl to appreciate a good portion of my jokes and laugh-related material. I also would like a girl that is quick-witted enough to verbally spar with. Sarcasm is a plus.

    Common Interests: There are a lot of things I enjoy doing--watching movies, eating Asian food, et cetera--that would be a more pleasant if done with someone else. If these were things you also enjoyed, that's wonderful. Of course, I don't expect to find someone that likes everything I like (that might actually be boring). I'm open-minded and willing to try anything once... and I hope that you can be, too.

    Religion: I'm not particular about your religion, as long as you don't nitpick mine (assuming our views are different). However, my preference--while easily negotiable--is toward those of a similar belief. And finally, anyone with religious views so extreme they border on fanaticism (or could be classified as such) is right out.

    General: Some other random things I would like a girl to be are kind, warm, kinky, tolerant, confident, informed, well-versed, energetic, and refined.

    General Things About Me: I'm happy and willing to give foot- and back-massages, do most of the driving, buy you flowers, and cook dinner. Under my blog section there is a piece entitled "To: Ladies;" read that if you're interested in seeing a little deeper into my brain.


    Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

    Music:

    I enjoy music that isn't mass-produced, thoughtless, sappy, or egotistical self-promotion.

    My taste crosses every genre: I like metal, rock, classical, some rap (the kind where ignorant people aren't shouting about intimidation, rape, and murder), techno, house, pop, new age, and celtic.

    My favorite bands are: 30 Seconds to Mars A Perfect Circle Agalloch Agent Sparks Angels and Agony Angtoria Aphex Twin Apocalyptica Assemblage 23 At the Drive-In B-52s, The Badelt, Klaus Björk Blind Guardian Bond Boston Breaking Benjamin BT Celtic Frost Celtic Woman Clapton, Eric Cold Collective Soul Combichrist Creed Cretu, Michael Daft Punk Darkness, The Dears, The Dimmu Borgir Dougan, Rob E Nomine E. S. Posthumus Earshot Edmonson, Greg Eisbrecher Enigma Evanescence Filter Franke, Christopher Gettel, Michael Goldenthal, Elliot Goldfrapp Goldsmith, Jerry Gray, David Gregorian Gregson-Williams, Harry Icon of Coil Immortal Interpol Isaak, Chris Isis Jamiroquai Joel, Billy Journey Junior Senior Kenna Killers, The Killswitch Engage Klepacki, Frank Lacuna Coil Leaves' Eyes Live Machine Gun Fellatio Mars Volta, The Massive Attack McKennitt, Loreena Minogue, Kylie Mitsuda, Yasunori Moody Blues, The Nightwish Oakenfold, Paul Old Man's Child Oomph! Orff, Carl Our Lady Peace Ours Pink Floyd Police, The Portishead Queen Queens of the Stone Age Radiohead Rammstein Secret Garden Seether Shinedown Shore, Howard Silvestri, Alan Sirenia Sneaker Pimps Snow Patrol Lady Sovereign Sparta Stabbing Westward Styx Submersed Symphony X Tangerine Dream Tenacious D Therion Tiamat Tool Tricky Type O Negative Uematsu, Nobuo Unheilig VNV Nation Within Temptation Yamaoka, Akira Yanni Zero 7 Zombie, RobThere is a site called OCRemix that boasts an exclusive (and quite expansive) collection of excellent videogame remixes.

    Movies:

    not Collateral Damage, though).

    Television:

    The Dead Zone, Babylon 5, and Monty Python's Flying Circus.

    Books:

    Works by Terry Goodkind, Stephen King, H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allen Poe, E.E. Cummings, Mary Shelley, T.S. Eliot, Oscar Wilde, John Keats, Robert Browning, and Mark Twain.

    Heroes:

    Jet Li... did you see Kiss of the Dragon? He disarms a guy by kicking away his gun, which then flies into another guy's face. It's like kung fu bargain shopping.

    My Blog

    The Day of Night

    This is the first full-length story I've produced for my Imaginative Writing class. This is my second draft (and thus far, I've been the only reader). Please let me know what you think. - - - - - The ...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Sat, 29 Sep 2007 03:58:00 PST

    Imaginary Numbers

    I just turned this in today for my Creative Fiction class. There's a line about boobs that didn't get as many laughs in class as I hoped for. Please let me know what you think.   Imaginary Number...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Tue, 18 Sep 2007 05:00:00 PST

    One in the Chamber

    Clearing the dust from my finest china,I set a table for two.Candles the color of bones,Wine as red as blood,Napkins heavy as shrouds.Smiling, I await my guest withmingling feelings of love and fear. ...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Mon, 30 Jul 2007 01:28:00 PST

    Farewell

    May you find the comfort you're seeking,in his arms.Don't ever settle for anything less than the best,or tell yourself you aren't worth it. May you find the happiness you're seeking,your freedom and i...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Tue, 17 Jul 2007 03:14:00 PST

    The Newest: Jake Fights Global Warming

    This photo needs no introduction.  
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Thu, 22 Mar 2007 01:11:00 PST

    To: Ladies

    I've been struggling for a long time with putting into words exactly what I want out of a relationship, but I think I've finally summed it up. Here is what I've discovered: The phrase "long-term relat...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Tue, 20 Mar 2007 01:22:00 PST

    Long Commutes

    Growling tires on pavementRoaring engine in third gearNothing exists beyond the scope of my headlightsNo one thinks beyond the realm of my brain I am the sole mind traversing eternity. Ten miles to go...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Fri, 16 Mar 2007 11:34:00 PST

    Disillusion

    I. QUERY Normality is an odd placeThey tell me I belong hereWhere light casts shadow and doubtAnd the darkness is tangibleI can't understand my placeThey also tell me I am the master of my own destiny...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:34:00 PST

    Autobiography Assignment (Revision 1)

    The original piece from the prior post has been revised with the comments I received from class members and my professor in mind, as well as the thoughts of other people I have spoken to. I now also h...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Thu, 15 Mar 2007 03:17:00 PST

    Autobiography Assignment

    I wrote this piece for my Autobiographical Writing class at PLU, and I was shocked at my candor. I actually felt nervous when I turned it in, knowing everyone would be reading it. Well, it's out there...
    Posted by GOT A NEW PHONE, BITCH on Sun, 04 Mar 2007 01:24:00 PST