Dennis Arkanson - ProfilesArchive

About Me

My name is Brad Ferguson, but everyone calls me either Brad or Ferguson. I like doing push-ups, driving around in my '73 Dodge custom van, chicks, and reptiles. Everyone thinks I look like Burt Reynolds but my mom thinks I look like Robert Goulet. I live with my mom, in the basement in the Love Lair, and she makes the best eggs in the city. Most of the time she just makes me cereal, but I really love her eggs. I once got hit in the head with a baseball bat, but continued to party!! I also had a keg dropped on my foot, but I went home that night. I couldn't bend my big toe for like a week. I had to leave the velcro on my sneakers undone the whole time because my foot was so swollen. Sometimes I drive on the wrong side of the street and pretend I'm in England. It doesn't work though, because in England the steering wheel is on the passenger side. So sometimes I have my friend Augie drive on the wrong side of the street and I pretend I'm driving from the passenger seat. It's so rad!! Rad Brad!! My longest relationship was 18 days and, even though it was 14 years ago, I'm still not over it. I havn't been able to have a relationship last more than 9 days since. We were soul mates. We were like two barn swallows meeting on the horizon at the foot of the purple mountains that soar to kiss the crimson sky "hello". I drove a Nova at the time and I almost threw it in her pooper one night parked behind Gold Circle.

My Interests

Looking in the mirror, chinese throwing stars, wizards, stacking wood, taking left turns, working on vicious mopars, carpet, collecting porcelin dolls, cracking my knuckles, carving letters out of wood, getting food from the drive-thru and eating the whole meal before I move, brushing my chest hair, playing Asteroids, and talking to people while I'm upside down. Occasionally, I'll eat a whole onion and pretend it's an apple.

I'd like to meet:

Create Your Own! Don Rickles and the guy that fucked my girlfriend last week while I was at work.

Music:

Any song about burning rubber in your car. And any songs with scorching guitar licks and vicious organ solos that address the plight of the ever-shrinking gnome population. And any songs that mention wishing wells.

Movies:

Any movie with Don Knotts or Charles Bronson. It would have been killer if they would have made a movie together.

Television:

MacGyver, Starman and Charles in charge.

Books:

Mopar:Are You Man Enough?Are You Too Good Looking?How To Lay Carpet When You're Ankle Hurts.Squirrels: What Parts Can You Eat?Who Stole My Onion?How to Climb Trees.How to Build a Tree Fort.Goblins.Do Snakes Smile?How To Find The Light Switch in a Dark Room.When No Means Yes.Are Gnomes Intergrating into Society Alright?Parking Lot Attendants: Are They The Modern Day Wizard?I Fell Off The Roof and Landed In Your Wife's Bush!. . . I also once wrote a short story about a unicycle chopper but no one could envision it so I scrapped the project.

Heroes:

Brad Ferguson.

My Blog

WANTED: A BOMBSHELL

As most of you know, I am already a sub-Elder Middle Moon Master in the Art of The Chinese Throwing Star. I am now trying to become an Elder Ancient Soul Master in the Art of Ninjaness. As everyone in...
Posted by Dennis Arkanson on Tue, 27 Feb 2007 09:34:00 PST

Jive ass, just plain jive ass

So, the other day The Duke tries attaching a speed boat engine to his 426 Hemi that he has in his ultra cherry Burnt Orange 1965 Dodge Coronet W051 and he runs into a snag. I couldn't help him at the ...
Posted by Dennis Arkanson on Fri, 02 Feb 2007 11:07:00 PST

R.I.P.

As many of you know, one of Brody's Mondo Gnomes passed away this weekend. Since this is his second gnome to die in the last five years, and seeing that he still has 3 left, he decided to get another ...
Posted by Dennis Arkanson on Mon, 29 Jan 2007 02:37:00 PST

Please help . . .

For those of you who were at Augie's kegger on Thursday at his Aunt Marcy's house (she was in Scranton for the week), you already heard about Augie's dilema. For those that weren't, or havn't heard ye...
Posted by Dennis Arkanson on Mon, 29 Jan 2007 11:33:00 PST

Seminar Cancelled

As many of you know, I was asked to give a seminar by British Sterling Cologne and Old spice Cologne, who were co-sponsoring the event, on the effects of their cologne on chicks. I told them I w...
Posted by Dennis Arkanson on Sat, 13 May 2006 11:11:00 PST

RAD TRIP!!!!

As many of you know, Augie and I went on a Rad (road) Trip this weekend to Scranton for The People With Metal Plates in Their Heads Convention. The Duke was supposed to go but he only had $7 and...
Posted by Dennis Arkanson on Mon, 08 May 2006 02:00:00 PST