I'd like to meet:
Disclaimer: The following contains something to offend just about anybody. If you can think of a particular group (ie Caucasian Skinhead Necrophiliacs) then please let me know and provide a suggestion. Actually, I think I'll add something to offend the White Supremacist Necrophiliac crowd. Anyhow, there are only two things proven by the below commentary.
A. I'm obnoxious
B. I talk out my butt quite a bit
C. I like it when my cat grooms my eyebrows
D. I go off-topic quite a bit
E. I can't count
Anyhow... I'd like to meet:
Interesting people.
Okay, that's the wrong thing to say, because you probably think you're interesting. I fancy that I'm interesting, but I sure as hell wouldn't expect EVERYONE to find me as absolutely fascinating as I find me to be. How about I just list the type of people I don't find interesting?
-People who think The Da Vinci Code was nonfiction.
-People who thought think that Constantine was just a movie with Keanu Reeves.
-People who think Aerosmith is the greatest band ever. And I like Aerosmith.
-People who put Aerosmith on par with The Beatles.
-Emo kids. Brush your fucking hair, and pick a fucking hair color. The only reason you should have that much metal on your person is if you're going into battle.
-People who make a pathetic attempt to dance a "jig" when I'm playing an Italian song on a medieval fiddle.
-People who ask "Are those regular bagpipes?" when I'm playing a Cantiga or Estampie on a Hummelchen Dudelsack or Nederlans Doedelzak.
-The Dutch. Let's be honest here, does anyone actually like the Dutch?
-Drunk middle-aged Dutch women who've been out in the sun so much that they look like aligator bags.
-Drunk middle-aged luggage-looking Dutch women who make bold attempts to get in the sack with me.
-Pretty much everyone under the age of 18.
-Most people under the age of 24.
-Everyone that thinks Thomas Kincade's prints are "Fine art".
-Most landscape painters (I make exceptions to this one, one of the best fine artists I know is a landscape painter).
-99% of CalArts students.
-99% of Born Again Christians
-Ceremonial Magicians. Knock off the bogus Victorian English accent, take off your cape, and stop bragging about how "powerful" you are.
-Dianic Wiccans. Shave your pits, then get back in the kitchen and be barefoot and pregnant.
-Pseudo-Bohemian-Gypsy-Hippy "liberated" women. Shave your pits, then get back in the kitchen and be barefoot and pregnant. I don't care if you don't like bagpipes, we're being payed to play on that stage (admittedly, being paid in beer, but that still counts).
-The Dutch. (Because they deserve a second mention)
-Nouveaux Republicans. Constitutionalist Republicans are welcome.
-Insanely left-wing Democrats.
-MEChA, all their supporters, and all of their members.
-People who buy "Art" at the mall.
-Most Valencia residents
-Gwen Stefani fans. I'll make an exception for Shannon.
-Graphic Designers.
-People who entitle a set of paintings "The Four Apostles". Even after I've corrected them.
-People who think a lawn ornament on astroturf is a bold statement about society and environmentalism.
-Drug addicts
-Vegan and Vegetarian Evangelists. I don't care how good you think soy products are. Soy cheese is not cheese. Soy chicken is not chicken. Soy sausage isn't bloody sausage because there's no animals in it.
-Psychotic anti-drug/smoking people. Don't sit down near a smoker outdoors, then start complaining. It's different if you're sitting there, then a smoker comes up, sits 2 feet away from you, and lights up.
-The Dutch.
-People that wear modern belly-dancer costumes at faire
-People who say they drum when obviously they can't. Put down the fucking djembe. In the hands of someone who knows what they're doing, the djembe sounds quite nice. In the hands of 99% of people who say that they play them, they don't. Hell, I can play a good 6/8 for an English country dance on a side drum, but I don't tell everyone that I'm a drummer.
-People who dance a "jig" to a tune in 9/8. In Hijaz. Does it really sound Irish? Does it really sound like something played in a hilly, damp, grassy little country in the Atlantic? I may have already mentioned this, honestly, but it bears mentioning twice.
-Furries. Seriously. Doubleyou-Tee-Eff Mate? I don't get it. Sure, I dress in funny getups, but I don't get all hot and bothered over it.
-20-30 year old men who play guitars for the sole purpose of impressing teeny-bopper girls.
-The Dutch
-People who pride themselves on having the most "friends" on Myspace. That means people who simply scour Myspace, sending "friend" invites to everyone and everything. Do I know you? No? Then I'm not your fucking friend.
-Shitty bands that put up Myspace pages, then send "friend" invites to EVERYONE, feeling that if everyone would just give them a chance, they'd really get their musical careers going! Chances are your band is bloody awful, and I won't like your music. Examine my musical interests. Do you think I'm going to enjoy listening to your shitty Emo crap? No? Then buzz off.
-People that plaster their Myspace pages with those sparkly animated gifs. OMG SPARKLIES!!! I LUV SPARKLIES!!!!! This is even more depressing if you're over the age of 14, and have your page covered with them.
-People pretending to be something they're not. Tried it, for quite a while, and I'm over it.
-People who steal my food out of the office fridge. I hate you. You fucking pig.
-People who are too lazy to actually walk, choosing instead to OOZE and SHUFFLE their way around, each step scraping on the bloody carpet. PICK UP YOUR FEET.
-People who say "No, I can't have one of those cookies, I'm diabetic (type II, at age 20. A type usually reserved for older people with weight problems)" and then get TWO Big Macs, Supersized French Fries, and a Supersized Coke from McDonald's, EVERY DAY.
-People that use "their" when they should be using "they're", and vice-versa. The same goes for "Its" and "It's".
Oh, and I'm part Dutch :D
Music:
Dufay Collective, Ensemble Unicorn, Beck, Radiohead, Jordi Savall, Wolgemut (see, I even listen to the music of the band I'm in), Cercamon (they're awesome, for French-Canadians)
J'ai pete'!
Television:
For the sole purpose of giving you all a headache:
Books:
Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels are at the top.
Heroes:
Banksy, because I hope to sneak my shit into museums.
