Craig Van Ess: A Introspective Look Into The Life Of A God Among Men

Where does one begin when telling the tale of Craig Van Ess? The name alone brings with it mystery, adventure, excitement, and sexual desire. Growing up, my grandfather would sit me on his lap and tell me the almost mythical stories of this lengendary man (it turned out later that he wasn't my grandpa, but some strange guy at Chuck E. Cheese who liked to look at little boys). But how much of these stories was fact and how much was fiction? My search for the truth has led me to write this biography of a great man, known to the world as Craig Van Ess.Craig Van Ess, born Forss Faggerstrom III, was born in Helsinki, Finland. After having a brutal upbringing by the hands of his father, Forss Faggerstrom II, Forss changed his name to Craig and left for greener pastures, because Finland is very cold and is all ice. He was 2 years old. While at the main airport, Craig crawled into the suitcase of passenger on his way to the Americas. Little did Craig know at the time that the suitcase he made his way into was owned by none other than the celebrity Steve Guttenberg, who was visiting the country so as to kick a local's ass for bad mouthing him on Finnish television. After the brawl, which resulted in 2 city blocks being burnt to the ground, Guttenberg was ready to head back to his lush Hollywood house, unaware of the child in his suitcase. The child that would soon become the greatest man in American, nay, World History. Upon his arrival at his house, Steve Guttenberg opened his suitcase and discovered Craig Van Ess in there, going through his unmentionables no less. Any normal man would have either thrown the baby away or forced it into slave labor, but Guttenberg, with his ability to forsee into the future, knew this baby was destined for great things, and began training him in the ways of the Gutten-Chi-Kwai, an ancient form of martial-arts long thought to be extinct. After 10 years of training, Craig Van Ess knew it was time for him to move on. Unfortunately, Steve Guttenberg was not happy with this, and challenged Craig to a fight to determine his strength. The fight lasted for 40 days and 40 nights, leading many to speculate the storms in the Biblical story of Noah and his ark were but prophocies and metaphors foretelling of this monumentus battle. On the last day, Guttenberg laid defeated. Asking Craig to kill him and end his misery, Guttenberg was a broken man. Craig, on the other hand, would not have been able to live with himself if he were to have killed his mentor and killed Guttenberg's movie career instead. For the next 3 years, Craig roamed the Americas, both North and South. His exploits have numbered numerously and have changed the course of history, such as Brazil's ability to maintain it's self as an independent country, the rescueing of the prime minister of Canada's wigs, and the success of NBC's hit show, "Friends". But it wasn't until he was 19 that the story he is most famously known for occured, taking place on a dark day in August. Craig began his day like any other great person. He had 2 bowls of Cap'N Crunch, a liter of Jack, and 4 chickens. But upon leaving his house, which he had acquired from a Scottish gentleman by the name of Haggis O'Gill, the clouds gathered and formed a storm of such magnitude the likes of which have not been seen since the forming of the Earth. There in the midst of lightening and thunder stood the Dark Lord, Satan, with a spear in one hand and a net in the other. Any other mortal man would have wet himself and ran, but Craig stood his ground and stared the demon straight in the eyes. This staredown lasted for what seemed like weeks (in reality, it was 6 days and 13 hours). Craig, being unafraid of Lucifer, was the first speak, harkening, "What do you want with me, you pee pee head?" The Devil then laughed and challenged Craig to a foot race, the distance of one mile, with all the worlds' souls in the balance. Craig accepted, and the world watched as the tournament was set up. The tracks were made, the finish line laid out, and the runners were set. The world held its breath as celebrity judge Ashley Judd fired the starting gun. Then the unthinkable happened, as Satan sucker punched Craig in the face before running off. Craig stood still, bleeding from his nose, stunned at what had happened, and contemplated if this race was impossible from the beginning. That is, until Steve Guttenberg came to his side, looked into Craig's eyes, and whispered, "I believe in you, my son." With new determination in his heart, Craig ran. And he ran so fast that the Devil himself was unaware at what point Craig passed him up, with Craig being only a blur. The world was saved, and peace ran through the land. Craig Van Ess. The myth. The man. The legend. Never again will such a person ever grace our existance. For all the stories and all the greatness, I will never cease to praise this man. He has given every person on this planet something to strive for. He has set the bar, and while it is a bar we will never reach, he has given us the inspiration to reach for it nonetheless. And although his stories may seem a little outrageous at times, it's really the message of hope and strength in even the smallest of us that had lingered for all these years, and I for one will never be the same for it.

True Biography written by: Dustin Snider

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