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Everytime I read this, I laugh so hard. My friend Eric has a list of reasons his friend is a douchebag. enjoy:
50 Reasons Tabbs a Douche
(In No Particular Order)
1. He got shit in my sisters car the night of Toni with an Is Metal Birthday Melee.
2. He vehemently denied doing so and then became angry when confronted with substantial evidence against his word.
3. He repeatedly poked me in the eye with his Mohawk the night of the Avail show/Marians birthday.
4. He once Tom Sawyered me into cutting half of his lawn with my Dads push mower.
5. He will cock-block you and he will like it.
6. He loves comics but hasnt read any Concrete.
7. He often quizzes me as to what band/rapper/musician we are listening to when he knows I dont know and when I answer incorrectly he reacts will disgust and calls attention to my ignorance.
8. He acts like the emotionally-distant father I never had.
9. He is constantly hating on everything.
10. He curses at Porter and Dot the dogs yet sympathizes with PETA.
11. He is a butter loving vegetarian.
12. He once told me my breath was so bad that he hoped I didnt plan on talking to any girls when he knows there are poop-breath tee shirts with his face on em.
13. He will call your cell phone six times in ten minutes with nothing to say each time.
14. He will repeatedly ask what is going on tonight when you have been sitting in the same room with him for the last three hours and have had no phone calls or contact with the outside world.
15. He will read three comics and then pass out with his shoes on.
16. He will lock himself in the bathroom and pass out naked in your tub whether you think its a good idea or not.
17. He is a fucking ass hole and I hope he dies.
18. He will go to extreme lengths to fart on you.
19. He once greeted me with a two footed kick to the midsection.
20. He called me a pussy and told me to wait till morning to go to the hospital when I broke my wrist.
21. He took my keys one wasted night and I said he was a good friend and he said No, I still hate you.
22. He will say nasty things about your momma.
23. He once swatted my copy of Finnegans Wake onto the ground while I was passing it to Tony during an impromptu C.R.A.F.T. club meeting.
24. He will sell your beer to under-age girls.
25. He abandoned his lizard.
26. He will hate you for eternity if you take Hannah on a date.
27. He is a booze pusher, a lush, and a vagabond.
28. He does not properly maintain his vehicle.
29. He refuses to attend the Critical Mass bike ride on the basis he believes bicycles to be stupid and gay.
30. He openly discusses Tony's masturbation habits in alarming ways.
31. He once pooped his pants and was content to let it stay there while he napped a few more hours.
32. He smiled with contentment when he told us about the above incident.
33. He concealed a knife for several months and delighted in threatening me with it on a daily basis.
34. He once got into the shower wearing a sweatshirt thinking he was naked.
35. He will call you a babe-less loser fag and rub it in your face that he had sex last night and you didnt.
36. He opened the bathroom door one night and exposed a roomful of people to Colt wiping his butt.
37. He will sleep walk to the corner of a room, urinate and then try to get in bed with your cousin and his wife.
38. He was late to work once and told his boss he got pulled over for having an empty keg in the back of his truck.
39. He once told me in all seriousness that I should have my Mom mash him some potatoes and bring them to his house.
40. He broke the Aala Park Boardshop skateboard I bought in Hawaii while attempting a heelflip.
41. He has ridiculed me for years about the way I pronounce the words milk and room.
42. He would often side with Jill in arguments just because she was a girl.
43. He has a habit of trying to add soap opera-esque drama to every night out.
44. He got a black eye from a fight with Skinny Phil that was provoked by J. Satchs older brother at beachweek and he told his parents he hit his face on a doorknob.
45. He still sleeps with stuffed animals.
46. He claimed I was copying him when I bought a pair of vans slip-ons after he got a mohawk one week after Tony did.
47. He once told me that I was acting suspicious by driving the speed limit on a Monday night.
48. He will call you a menstruating woman if you are unwilling to pound beers before noon with him.
49. He cannot tell a story without pausing and saying uhhhh.
50. He looks like Keanu Reeves, if Keanu had a beard of pubic hair.
