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*************34 Things I’ve Learned During My 34 (Insane) Years Of Life************ 34) I do not suffer fools gladly. 33) Spitting into the wind = bad idea. 32) Eating yellow snow = an even WORSE idea. 31) Mormons are from Mars. 30) Having lots of sex does not make you SEXY. Women who think this are total fucktards, and I am not one of them. 29) I have bigger BALLS than any man I’ve ever met. 28) In MY world, “I Told You So” has a brother. And guess what his name is? His name is “Shut The Hell Up”. 27) ALL politicians lie. 26) Every man I’ve ever dated should be a politician. 25) I’m a GEMINI, so that means I will change my mind….a LOT. No I won’t. Yes, I will. No I won’t…..FUCK! 24) I really, REALLY like the word FUCK. 23) I’d rather be an INTERESTING woman than a BEAUTIFUL woman – any day of the week. 22) Blind faith is…..well guess what?….IT’S FUCKING BLIND!! And that can never be a good thing. 21) If everyone were like Kurt Vonnegut, the world would be a perfect, harmonious place. 20) BLONDE hair is way, WAY overrated….and so are: religion, big tits, virginity, most of the holidays, and American Idol…..to name just a FEW things. 19) You should really take care of your teeth. You’ll REALLY miss those when they start to go. Trust me on this point. 18) I get bored and fidgety after doing anything for more than 5 minutes. 17) Typing this out is making me fidgety. 16) Plastic surgery does NOT make you look younger. It makes you look like you’ve had plastic surgery. 15) I’d rather die than be boring. In fact, the day I become boring, I HOPE that I die, and I want the previous sentence put on my tombstone. For real: “She said she’d rather die than be boring”. 14) Humans have taken a beautiful planet, and turned it into ONE GIANT CLUSTERFUCK with their endless greed and carelessness, and this really has to stop. 13) Pissing off stupid people is fun 12) Life is tough. After all, it kills you.... 11) I was born in the wrong time, AND in the wrong place. I was supposed to be born around the year 1900, in France. I am supposed to be having drinks in a Parisian café with Ernest Hemingway and several other artists, and I’m very late. Could someone correct this mistake, please?! 10) You should always follow the advice of John Wayne, and “talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much”. 9) Sarcasm is my business….and BUSINESS IS GOOD. In fact, this business will never falter, so buy stocks now.... 8) My ultimate goal in life: to have the wise mind of an old woman, the healthy body of a young woman, and the heart of a child. 7) There is nothing I value more than FREEDOM. 6) I’ve been alive for 34 years, and I STILL don’t have a “career”, still don’t know what I want to be “when I grow up”. And you know what? I DON’T CARE. Your work doesn’t have to be your life, and what you do for a living doesn’t define you. GET OVER IT. I did. 5) It’s really fun to get on the loudspeaker at work, and page yourself…. “Jennifer, could you come to line 6 please? Jennifer Howe to line 6!” 4) The reason men and women do not get along is simple: Men are assholes, women are psychotic. 3) The people I love always leave too soon, but the people I hate just NEVER GO THE FUCK AWAY. 2) It takes WAY more than three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop....and 1) Life is like a meal at a restaurant, and the main dish is a SHIT SANDWICH……but sometimes the side items are tasty. You have to enjoy what little parts of the meal you can. Dig in!34 THINGS THAT I LOVE........34)Hours spent alone in the woods.......33)BRITISH comedies....32)Victorian, Rococo, and Art Deco style...31)Wearing men's clothing....30)Colored,vintage, or shaped VINYL albums....29)Shoegaze....28)Antiques, history, doorways to a past time....27)Flappers and the "roaring" 1920's....26)Freshly ground, french-pressed coffee....25) ABSINTHE -- the magical, mystical green drink of poets and artists! ah, la fee verte!...24)HONESTY!....23)the magic of photography, the moment I press the button and "freeze time"....22)The Atlantic Ocean....21)Getting in the car and just driving -- to nowhere in particular....20)handwritten love letters, or other hand-crafted gifts of love....19)questioning EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY the existence of a GOD....18)the smell of freshly cut grass....17)Stockings, garter belts, and vintage, beautiful lingerie....16)a man who is not afraid of FEELINGS. And if a man can CRY in front of me, I will marry his ass.....15)rising above the BAD people who have come into my life by just - being - BETTER....14)19th century poets....13)Edgar Allen Poe, the ultimate dark, lovely storyteller (KISS!)....12)Sleeping in late....11)WIGS!....10)Creating something TOTALLY NEW, an ORIGINAL idea....9)The story that each scar on my body tells....8)The person who will actually LISTEN to each of those stories someday....7)People with BIG, SEXY BRAINS....6)NATURAL beauty....5)Oh yeah, and did I mention - fucking HONESTY!....4)HOPE....3)The perfect Polaroid....2)Art, in ALL its forms....1)Lana La-La, Lana LA

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