Well, waking up in a ditch chained to a goat sure ruins your day.
You gotta get that first nut out tha way.
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The eyes are the groin of the face.
-Dwight Schrute
About a Man Named Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's Bobsled. No one ever questioned how he did it.
Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar.
Chuck Norris does not bathe with soap or water. His body naturally sweats Mr. Clean.
Chuck Norris forces himself to have a heart attact twice a year, so he can keep tricking the world into believing he's actually human.
Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was the first homosexual.
Chuck Norris uses kittens and razor blades as lubrication when he masturbates.
It is believed that King Arthur's legendary sword Excalibur is actually a strand of hair from Chuck Norris' beard.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
Chuck Norris was the first person to call it "masturbation".
Once when a grizzly bear threatened to eat him, Chuck replied "I am Chuck Norris." The bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If Chuck Norris was a woman, he wouldn't have a period. He would have an exclamation point.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Chuck Norris was on that side.
Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.
Legend has it that a dog once died in Chuck Norris's shadow.
Chuck Norris plays Minesweeper with real mines.
Chuck Norris caught herpes from a Hispanic dodo. He got rid of the rest of them using only duct tape and an illegitimate African child named Dan.
Chuck Norris's regular breakfast at Denny's consists of 87 fried eggs, 764 slices of ham, 1240 sausage links, and a side order of Gary Coleman.
Chuck Norris once gave a woman an orgasm so intense she invented three new branches of mathemetics, discovered the first half of the true name of god and now only needs two and half hours of sleep a week. She can also now cook a damn good English Breakfast, and never breaks an egg yolk.
In 2005, Chuck Norris entered a Cannonball Contest at his neighborhood pool. The death toll is still rising.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T are actually a superhero team that only fights crime in Toledo, Ohio between the 1:33pm and 4:39pm. Only 5 people in the free world know the reason for this.
Chuck Norris performed his own circumcision with a chainsaw and a blow torch.
When Chuck Norris deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.
Whenever Chuck Norris plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.
Chuck Norris nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. This was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.
Chuck Norris impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris realized that if you change the "d" in "wand" to a "g", the Harry Potter books become a whole lot more interesting.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
Chuck Norris does not use adverbs. Chuck Norris uses verbjectives.
If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammys are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
The first Dungeons & Dragons card deck came to be when little Tommy Schmit found Chuck Norris's misplaced photo album, "Things I Shouldn't Have Had Sex With in the Middle Ages."
Chuck Norris grew another heart for the sole purpose of maintaining his erections.
Chuck Norris covers his Slip 'n' Slide with gravel.
Every Christmas, Chuck Norris dresses up in red, climbs down chimneys, and steals children to work in his salt mines.
Chuck Norris invented the wheel. Twice.
Chuck Norris can do push ups with both arms tied behind his back.
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Chuck Norris showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Chuck was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Chuck Norris run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".
When People get hungry, they go to their refrigerators. When Chuck Norris gets hungry, he goes to an orphanage.
Chuck Norris wrote the pilot episode for "The Weather Channel."
Chuck Norris shaves his ass with a battle axe.
Chuck Norris's penis was formerly known as Excalibur.
Chuck Norris can hit a backhand in Pong.
Chuck Norris invented the spanish language because he liked the word "burrito" and needed a language to use it in context.
Chuck Norris sits on erupting volcanos to remove hemmeroids.
Chuck Norris fires a 12-gauge at his face to pop zits.
Chuck Norris was the only kid at his high school. His high school was undefeated in all sports for the one year it took him to graduate. This is not surprising considering he invented every sport.
Chuck Norris's psychiatrist sees a psychiatrist.
Chuck Norris is the only thing keeping the rainforests from killing us.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
.. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
.. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
.. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
.. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
.. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
.. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
.. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
.. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
.. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
.. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
.. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
.. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
.. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
.. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
.. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
.. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
.. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
.. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
.. Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
.. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
.. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
.. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
.. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
.. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
.. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
.. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
.. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
.. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
.. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
.. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
.. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
.. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
.. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
.. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
.. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
.. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
.. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
.. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
.. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
.. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
.. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
.. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
.. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
.. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
.. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
.. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
.. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
.. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
.. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
.. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting implies that he could fail.... Chuck Norris goes killing.
Musical Interests
Led Zeppelin
AC/DC
CCR
Motley Crue
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Rolling Stones
Guns N' Roses
Aerosmith
Jimi Hendrix
Queen
Def Leppard
KISS
The Eagles
Van Halen
Styx
Black Sabbath
Boston
Journey
Ozzy Osbourne
ZZ Top
Green Day
Jet
System of a Down
Disturbed
T.I.
Chamillionaire
Frank Sinatra
Bing Crosby
Your results:
You are Freakin' Batman
Batman
100%
Superman
Well, he's really gay, so...0%
The Flash
65%
Hulk
65%
Wonder Woman
60%
Iron Man
60%
Green Lantern
60%
Robin
57%
Supergirl
55%
Spider-Man
50%
Catwoman
40%
You are dark, love gadgets
and have vowed to help the innocent
not suffer the pain you have endured.
You are arguably the strongest man in the world,
considering that fact that you are not superhuman.
Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I? I hope it's Batman, cause he's freakin awesome, and all the other superheroes suck balls, especially Superman. If I don't get Batman, I just might kill myself." quiz...
Movies
Forrest Gump
Green Mile
Dumb and Dumber
Batman Begins
Ray
Airplane!
LOTR
Saw
Saw 2
The Ring
The Ringer
Anger Management
Bruce Almighty
Shanghai Noon
Shanghai Knights
007
A Clockwork Orange
The Last Samurai
Beetlejuice
Apollo 13
Fun with Dick and Jane
RENT
The list goes on...
TV
The Simpsons
Family Guy
Friends
The Office
My Name is Earl
all the CSIs
Two and a Half Men
Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno
Late Nite w/ Conan O'Brien
Saturday Night Live