A TRIBUTE PAGE TO THE 781st GREATEST ELECTRONIC ROCK BAND OF ALL-TIME - BROOKLYN'S SECRET ARMY
Van Halen may truly suck now, but that didnt stop Ron Scalzo from making music. He was bald, some say. Others say he was solely responsible for the formation of one of the 90s' most auspicious, sexy, electronic bands to ever walk the Earth, or any other planet for that matter SECRET ARMY.
Armed with only a rock and a ball of twine, Scalzo singlehandedly saved the state of rock and roll with the release of the magnificent demo tape, "Shhh!" Secret Army aficionados have long debated over how many times the letter h appears in the title of the bands debut wax. Since no copies are left in circulation, the answer remains a mystery, even to Scalzo, himself, whose only reply was Who the f*@! are you?
Mike "Leather Pants" Bandolik, who joined forces with Scalzo in late 1995, admits that his round apple of an ass was the main reason Scalzo took him into the fold in the first place. This is not to say that Scalzo was a homosexual. On the contrary, he was an animal babe-magnet stud. But to waste such an ass would have been unforgiveable. Bandoliks previous band, Satan Sees Natasha, who were huge in Holland for many, many years, had come unglued. Scalzo wooed him with chocolate and the promise of nudie mags, and the rest, as they say, is history.
The band Ron, Mike, bass player Verderame, and some other hacks played a few shows locally and developed a huge following, so huge that Verderame, perhaps the most outspoken member of SA, cracked under the pressure in an infamous interview with Spin magazine. Some excerpts follow:
F*@! those a**holes who come out to see us. Who gives a rats ass if they pack CBGBs and cheer every time I spit out onto their acne-laden little bastard faces. I dont need that crap. Im an artist, for Christs sake
the music industry sucks, this piece of s*@t band sucks, the whole world can go to Hell. Screw everybody
Verderames tirade created a huge backlash with both the media and the fans over the next year, prompting the rest of the band to take a break for awhile to let things blow over. They decided to keep Verderame in the fold, provided he take his medication and go to anger management seminars regularly.
SAs comeback was sparked in mid-1997 with the release of the debut album, "Its Just A Container," an eleven-song odyssey featuring some of the bands most outstanding musical work to date. Fueled by the presence of new guitarist Jon Lak, who could don green tights like no other before him, the band was primed to hit the road once more and they did with fervor. Rolling Stone called the new album, "the feel good record of the summer. Noel Gallagher of Oasis hailed SA as those unbelievably pretentious, yet mesmerizing wankers from the States. High praise, indeed.
But with such huge kudos come huge letdowns. Jon Lak had decided to leave the band, stating that his now ex-bandmates were ..the most untalented group of goons Ive ever had the displeasure to work with. The band was devastated, scrambling for answers. Could they remain on top without their star axeman? Enter Kregrazors, a little-known clockmaker from East Harlem with a knack for strumming a catchy riff. Scalzo caught Kregrazors on tour with Boz Scaggs band and knew immediately that he would be a perfect fit. He was right. And so in 1998, Secret Army had reached their apex bold, spontaneous, and quite possibly on the verge of superstardom.
It was then, at the height of their fame - on stage at The Elbow Room in front of a crowd of 17 - that Secret Army knew the ride was over. There was no more to do. They had made it. Scalzo looked knowingly over at Bandolik, who nodded affectionately towards Verderame, who stared down at his bass & kissed it. Kregrazors hugged Jon Lak, who winked at Scott Barnhill, who patted John Reis on the back. Diesel Impromptu, Rocky Leone, & Fabian Dust sung a yuletide hymn, while the Ghost of Jerry Tardy blessed them all from above. The end was here.
Secret Army's legacy lives on - in this now-legendary, barely-in-circulation album, It's Just A Container, now available in limited release at Bald Freak Music online.
And if you don't believe how groundbreaking this album was, check out this dazzling review from 1998:
Secret Army may have just sent electronic music back several decades as far as
musical evolution with the release of "Its Just a Container". Not only
do they attempt to mix together Funk, Jazz, and other Groove elements, but they
also threw in Disco, Synth-Pop, and Wave, thereby creating a collection of some
of the most atrocious genres of music ever written. On top of it all, they throw
in porn samples, lounge music, guitars, and modern dance elements to create this
bizarre pop hybrid of just about every conceivable electronic genre in
existence. Unfortunately, I can see how the alternative and pop music press will
eat this band up as the next new hit act. Today's popular music acts seems to
all be going through the electronic hybridization that has given us such
annoying acts as Beck and Bjork. I can't understand why the credit carrying
public enjoy this type of music because it is painful to listen to, but no
matter the reason, I predict Secret Army will join the same ranks, no matter how
atrocious I may consider their music to be.
98 You Wait!!
