My name is Randy. If you're reading this you either already know that, or on the off chance that you don't, are leaving this page right about ...now. There, that's your cue. Still here? Think I'm a dick? You already knew my name was Randy? You guys can stay. I guess I probably am a dick. It's not that I don't like most people these days, it's that I just don't like them anywhere near me. If I imagine them off on an island somewhere, sun-bathing or doing whatever it is stupid people do on islands, they're just fine. I love them. On the island, though, I have to stress that. When they're in front of me drooling all over themselves trying to form coherent thoughts, that’s when the whole "being a dick" thing falls back into place.
I keep running into the problem of trying to quantify human life. I don't think it can be done, at least I haven’t found a way in which I could do it (you know, ethics, morals, and all that. I'm really not a dick if you're on the island, which is where I put everybody in my head in these situations.) I just need to think on it. I need to think on a lot of things.
I get the feeling my mind is a series of crystals. A dozen or so in number, mostly unordered, with just a couple aligned at any given time. They articulate on tiny mechanical arms. If I choose, I can control these arms. I get the feeling my stream of conscious is made up of photons, focused into a beam, extending out from my eyes. I can aim it at things I can’t see, too. Abstract thoughts, small villages in Europe, God's Eye, you get the picture(s). I just feel that it’s in line with my eyes. I get the feeling that if I align all my crystals in such a way that my stream of photons passes through them just so, I could achieve anything. It’s not too hard, I don’t think. I can really feel each crystal clicking into place. The feeling of intensity as each crystal further focuses my thoughts is downright palpable. I'm not kidding, I feel it. I get the feeling that if I had more knowledge I could solve the world’s problems. I get the feeling that if I had more wisdom I’d never make mistakes. I get the feeling that if I could just work up the motivation to keep my crystals aligned, I’d reach a new plane of existence. I could be the next Buddha, but I doubt anybody would follow me. That’s okay, though, because it’s all about me anyhow.
"It's all about me, anyhow." That's a funny thing to say on a myspace page. Not ha-ha funny, of course, but funny because this thing is supposed to be a place where I can express myself on the internet, if you believe the advertising. Think about it a bit though, it'll make sense. We're all the most selfish people we know. That's why I'm such a dick, I'm simply more in tune with that fact than others. That and the fact that I find most people insufferable, but never mind that. That's two or three crystals out of line, and I just don't have the energy.
I'm on a quest to appreciate everything. I like the way leaves pile up in the fall. I love the simplicity of dictionary definitions. I adore Asian faces, with all of their sharp lines and perfect features. There's a guy at school with the best face I've ever seen. People don't appreciate anything these days. Or maybe they never did, I don't know, I'm just a kid. Maybe people do appreciate things, but they're just too watered down to say so. Ashley and I appreciate everything. Or we're trying to, anyway.
I've got this idea that the human consciousness is made up of a series of filters. These filters are endless in number. They are made up of expectations, bias, social norms, and the like. I've tried my best to strip out every god damned one of them. I'll never get them all, bias lies behind everything human, but I feel I've removed enough that most of you now seem blind. Not blind, blind isn't the word I'm looking for. Most of you perceive life through so many filters that it becomes distorted to the point of uselessness. Useless to me, at any rate. It's so watered down that all flavor, color, scent and vibrancy are stripped away, leaving the same bland crap just behind the lips of every one of you.
That's key right there folks. The more filters in place, the more distorted the perception, the less you can appreciate. I'm not appreciated. That isn't a cry for help or attention, I feel that most people simply lack the capacity.
I've got this idea that people are worthless until proven otherwise. This goes back to the human life quantification paradox. On the island nobody is worthless. But this isn't the island, and out here in the real world it's simple economics. Cost versus gain, you know? What it would cost me in time and patience to find worth in most of you simply isn't worth the investment.
"But you're on a quest to appreciate everything!" I know, I know, I'm just a kid. Just a human kid. I don't think I'm perfect, just closer than most. That isn't saying much about me, just that most don't really care or try. They spend their days looking through their coke bottle filters, content in their mediocrity. I'm not content. Not with them or with myself. There's always room for improvement, and I'm doing as much as I can.
That's a lie. I just don't have the energy. But I'm trying, which is more than most can say.
