41504340 - ProfilesArchive

About Me

My room is disgusting, I'm constantly embarrassed when anyone accidentally sees it because they realize what a scum bucket I am. When I was a kid I would lock myself in the utility closet and secretly eat cat food, I would do this a ton and even to this day I still find myself doing similar things and don't realize it's crazy until I stand back and examine what it is that I'm doing. I am hilariously addicted to junk food, I eat candy for dinner all the time. I am an incredible dancer, I have moves so sweet you'll be like, "Look at that man's moves!" I always look drunk in photographs, it's ridiculous, that's why I could never be a model. I've been in and seen probably almost a hundred major car accidents in my life, true story, easily like a hundred. I'm partially Jewish but only in a very technical way, I mean look at me, I'm the poster child of Arian stereotypes. God I smell bad, I haven't worn deodorant in about four years, I just can't, I think it's gross and truth be told I always have. I am in no way an adult, my prospects are extremely depressing but on a good note teenagers think I'm fucking awesome and want to be just like me, like I felt about Dennis Rodman! Why do bartenders always roll their eyes when I order Budweiser?

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

I am in a very serious relationship to my girlfriend Stephanie who I love, very much. That being said I would cheat on her without a second thought, with Mary Steembergen. Mary, if you're reading this right now you need to know I will destroy my life for you! You are an amazing actress, who breaks all current understanding of the notions of aging gracefully. You are fucking beautiful! You make Demi more look like an ally rat covered in AIDS and I want you. I will tie my current girlfriend to a raft made of bamboo and used tires and I will set it on fire, if you leave Ted Danson right now. We will live on an island and I will do it with you with no condom on. Please respond to this.

My Blog

the evil millionaire stack

i can't talk about what i DO any more. it's so ridiculous. if you ask that question you know exactly what you do and just want to talk about it. what i do? ugh...what i do is work ever steadily to bec...
Posted by on Sun, 20 Aug 2006 09:24:00 GMT

mean things i've said to my room mate stack

as some of you may or may not know my room mate as recently come to discrepencies with jacob and i about the living situation here and our response to him was, "if you don't like it leave." he agreed ...
Posted by on Wed, 02 Aug 2006 06:32:00 GMT

letters to strangers stack

i'm starting a stack of letters i'd like to write to people whom i don't know and will never. this should serve as a theraputic fart of feelings that would normally go unsatisfied. here's an exa...
Posted by on Thu, 04 May 2006 13:29:00 GMT

my ex-girlfriends stack

what in a dead dog's nightmare was i thinking? my ex-girlfriends have said waaay dumber shit then my friends girlfriends have. let's start the ball rolling... "maybe you just don't like scientology be...
Posted by on Fri, 07 Apr 2006 12:55:00 GMT

my friend's girlfriend stack

i am making a stack out of stupid things my friend's girlfriends have said but i've never commented on because you just can't make fun of your friend's girlfriend, even after they break up. but i'm ov...
Posted by on Fri, 07 Apr 2006 11:49:00 GMT

please stop eating

why the hell do vegan, activists, ball massagers insist on eating garbage while they look through it? they're like those smarmy soccer moms that eat grapes that they are buying while they push around ...
Posted by on Tue, 04 Apr 2006 12:45:00 GMT

haiku writer/body builder/oxbow inciter

my lips are purple no time for hospital now time for meatball sub
Posted by on Mon, 27 Feb 2006 16:15:00 GMT

the moon and new york city

this one time when i was out on the town socializing, i thought i was caught between the moon and new york city but it turned out, when i awoke in a hospital bed that very night, i was ...
Posted by on Mon, 23 Jan 2006 16:08:00 GMT

i need to get tom off my friendslist

I signed up for myspace and immediatley i was on this "cool new people" list and im all like, "fuck, i just got on here and tom already knows how much ass westpain kicks? that guy needs a raise cause ...
Posted by on Fri, 09 Dec 2005 18:39:00 GMT