-The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
-Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
-I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
-What year did Jesus think it was?
-George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
-Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time
-In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
-“One thing leads to another� Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict"
-Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
-Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
-The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
-Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
-Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
-So far this is the oldest I've ever been
-The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
-Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
-I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
-Common sense is the least common in our society.
-You can't argue with a good blowjob
