A while back I lost myself... in other people, in work, in frustration and embarrassment about the things I didn't accomplish or become. I have been punishing myself in one way or another for years, and I am finally realizing that it is not over. I had a plan when I was a kid, that I was going to be something... a designer, a singer, an artist, be beautiful and admired. I thought I would have the world at my feet, not realizing what a small piece of the puzzle I really was. When I started to fall then tumble, I hated myself for being clumsy. I saw for the first time the weakness that doubt can stir in your mind. I wasn't measuring up to my own standards I had set for myself, and I was unraveling as fast as I was picking myself up, I was getting no where. I was overweight, unhappy at work, unable to have children and not about to let myself have fun of any kind, because I didn't think I deserved it. I lived this way for probably the past 10 years or so. All of which my husband Michael has known me. Michael, the one person who really believed that I was beautiful... inside, and believed in the person he met all those years ago and remembered that I had spirit and passion once. Something my family saw but never conveyed very well, I guess because I didn't let them see me hurting. People always say you need people who really know you... people you meet along the way can be uplifting and a gift to your life but never replace the people who know your heart and your soul. The people who looked into your eyes as a child or a young adult and saw your dreams. Well, my husband saw my dreams... all those years ago, and some of them became his. I never knew I was breaking his heart by not loving myself. When I thought I might lose my world... I saw it, that small glimmer of light, hope. I finally realized that I wasn't living at all and I had lost it already. I had lost myself, I was nowhere to be found in all this sadness and shame I held on to.
I don't know why it took me so long to see that I am not a failure, a slob all the things I had told myself over and over. I was human... I was flawed, and life is becoming a better person not being perfect. I can change the things I hated myself for, and I can accept myself now for who I really am. I can see clearly all the beauty I have been blind to in my life, and I can love now that I have it to give.
