I AM YOUR CONSCIENCE...

Layout by CoolChaserI do not intend to be anything less or more than Who I Am!  ...Complicated, intriguing, caring, emotional, sensitive, sharing, eclectic, and most of all Just Me! I'm a freelance artist, bi cat-mom, and enjoy helping animals and humans alike, and esp. the mentally ill. I have struggled all my life with mental illness (making me more emotional at many times and too often attacked by others), but though it has often been detrimental at the same time it makes me very empathetic towards others. I have plenty of faults and mistakes, but I truly believe in honesty, truth, and love (and striving to work to better one-self). I am open-minded, creative, and very complex to say the least. My home is the Pacific Northwest/West Coast, but I have moved around a lot all my life (mainly due to family turmoil), especially the last decade or so because I married into the nomadic military lifestyle. I am spiritual more than religious- I believe what you do and say everyday defines you, not where you worship or what God you say you worship, and not what your education level is, not what your career may be or not be, not how much money one has or so-called status...WE ALL MATTER! And we all must do our best to be true to ourselves... ........................................................ There are Two-Sides to every story (and in-betweens), many haters, liars, two-faced people out there, and I've been/am wounded to the core endlessly. I've been abused, used, scorned, debased, betrayed, ostracized, and I've been told I should be dead numerous times (I've tried! believe me). There has always and continues to be so much distress...I can only account for myself, and though I suffer from this Disease, it should not make me any less of a person! If you wish to believe the worst of me, be cruel and ugly (so many seem to thrive on doing so), then that's on you alone and show's who you truly are inside. What goes around comes around and someday justice will be served and the truth will be fully exposed (the truth has a way of being lost or distorted), especially to those encompassed by their own issues and denial). Ah, everyone has so-called "drama", well, it's called LIFE/Living (who doesn't go through trials and tribulations)?! I truly don't understand how people, esp. former friends, can be so indifferent, angry, hateful, but I really do not wish anyone such ill. Some people are so quick to judge and to incite such hurt. They have such discourse, ignorance, animosity, pain within their own selves that they choose to lower others falsely thinking they can lift their sad self up. I do feel sorry for those who find it easier to hate than to love or at least try to be open-minded and accepting. Life has more obstacles for some than others, and it is Not black and white, it is many shades of grey...Live and let live. --------------------------------------------------------- ***BIG SIDE NOTE: I’m so tired of some people on/off line putting me down and causing me grief because of my past wrongs and my Mental Illness. Everyone has faults, made mistakes, and there are numerous people who suffer from some form of mental illness to varying degrees, many of whom suffer in silence due to the continued stigmas associated with this disease. Granted there's a little more awareness and some acceptance, but by far there is so much ignorance, prejudice, indifference, and discrimination. The mentally ill continue to be looked down upon… I try to do my part by educating people about mental illness on and off line, and being supportive of anyone who suffers as I do(sometimes it‘s easier to help others than helping myself). *If you have not yet read MY BLOGS detailing and explaining Mental Illness (and Bullying) please, please take the time to do so. Yes, I'm quite open about my self, both good and bad, including my continuing struggle with my mental health. My honesty has been used against me plenty, but I do not try to be anything other than who I am. I try to do my best to be a decent person, faults and all. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, trusted the wrong people and mistrusted my lowly self. My disease has been a contributing factor in many stupid decisions and yes, I’ve done a lot of wrong things. I live with my regrets, anguish every moment of my being! I hate myself for so much, so I really don’t need others to hate on me too. I’ll be the first to admit I’m kinda a mess, but I acknowledge my shortcomings and I'm proactively in treatment. This opens me up for much abuse and my past and present, my entire Self, has been exploited, twisted, and condemned. I'm honest to a fault (I’d take a lie-detector test any time!)! Of course, sometimes I've tried defending myself against such abuse; sadly at times I've stooped to my abusers levels (learning from the worse as it were). It's nothing I'm proud of, yet I think these people can inflict such pain why do they not expect people to return the "favor" and not always turn the other cheek?! It seems so many of these “bully’s” don't have a conscious and actually enjoy tormenting others. Maybe I lash out at times because of PTSD and my immense frustration with it all. I've been abused all my life and would coward before countless ugly people. Now that I’m older I feel I've a right to speak up and try to defend myself, though even trying to be diplomatic and applying what I’ve learned through years of therapy my words fall on deaf ears, blind eyes, and cold hearts. I never realized just how hypocritical and in complete denial people could be until I moved here; an area that seems to run rampant with hostility, insecurity, dysfunction, and denial. I rarely have people backing me up against these bully’s mainly because they tell me it’s best to ignore it all. I’ve tried to do that all my life and it still cuts to my core and contributes to my low self-image. I guess you can’t rationalize with irrational people. Still sometimes just trying to have a voice and attempting to get through to them makes me feel better in some way. I tend to hope I will plant some seed of insight and reflection that might grow inside these callous individuals. That they may choose to stop judging others, instead taking the time to deal with their own issues, and choosing the high-road instead. Whether silent or defensive it seems I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. This disease is not about making excuses, feeling sorry for oneself, or seeking attention -though in some cases these may be contributing factors unintentionally or intentionally- and often a cry for help. It's a debilitating fact of my everyday life. If people could walk in my shoes for a couple of months and then try to come back to me with such misguided observations, they would hopefully have much more compassion and stop their condemnation and hatred. I’m also tired of people assuming I am/calling me a liar, a psycho, that I'm a threat to others, and that I am “nothing” (among many other awful things!). It’s false to believe a mentally ill person is any more of these things than a “sane” person is (I use that term lightly). It’s false to believe the mentally ill are more homicidal and/or commit more crimes than a “sane” person. There are so many stereotypes, so much misunderstanding, and intolerance regarding mental health/the mentally ill. Due to people not believing me due to my mental illness (and often treated like a second-class citizen) I've never gone to the authorities (many of whom have treated me disrespectfully to say the least) any of the times I've been sexually assaulted, drugged, and threatened,etc. (tried to a couple of times, but it got me no where). From my experience who would believe me over a "supposedly" stable, upright citizen…I’m easily compromised and victimized, and yes, have much less recourse than others. It’s very sad and disheartening…It‘s extremely maddening when people will not hear you nor believe in you. It only reinforces and increases how lowly you already feel about yourself and you start believing all the ugly things people say and I may become more suicidal, and yes attempted several times (nearly got it right a couple of times, but un/fortunately still here, and much to the dismay of several people). It's never something to be trivialized and no one has the right to think they know what has gone on with me because of such things. They no nothing! No one should endure such verbal and emotional abuse (and physical), but it has a far more damaging impact on those struggling with mental illness. People inflict such unbelievable harm, even seeming to be driven on by it. For many it’s easier to point fingers than to take responsibility and acknowledge their own selves fully, to strive to work on their own problems to be better people for their self and for those around them, such as their children who will only continue the cycle of dysfunction if it’s not addressed (having been a child raised in a very unstable atmosphere I feel for these children the most). Many bully’s are miserable and like to make others feel miserable. They are cowardly, troubled, and surrounded with others (enablers) who tend to be just as petty, immature, selfish, and sad as they are. What hurts even more is some of these people who hate me were once my friends, some extremely close (or so I thought), were good friends and seemed to care. When you expose yourself completely and believe in another you're very vulnerable. I've been betrayed and heartbroken, but still I'm a trusting and open person. These former friends have said and done such cruel things and now they too only see the worst in me and make me out to be the ’bad-guy’. I wonder at the turn around, after all the caring and sharing, to such anger, indifference, and ugliness. Either way, former friend or stranger, they will believe what they will, hear and see only what they wish to, and can cut another person down all too well. It’s obvious to me and to numerous others how these abusers operate. One needs only to converse with them, see them in chat rooms, read what they have written about me and say out in public about me (and others) to recognize how in need of a wake up call they truly need. They have no right to judge me or anyone else for that matter! Their words and actions, inactions, further prove how lost and unhealthy they really are. They can tell me I should die, be dead, kill myself (get it right once and for all), threaten me with bodily harm, be violent and evil...BUT I'm labeled the crazy, sick one?! My anger has always been directed foremost at my self, many times by unhealthy means such as self-injury. Never have I been homicidal or threatened another. I do not go around on or off line telling the world how terrible I think some of these people are. I've not divulged all the truths I know about them, even while they spew all they can about me, no matter how twisted or untrue it may be. I rarely bad-mouth anyone, usually it’s my last resort(I do not like behaving like them), or my going on the defensive is me simply telling the harsh truth. Who's really the troubled one?! This is a disease I battle each and every day of my life. Although I feel and am made to feel weak and insignificant it takes a lot of strength to confront one’s self completely. It takes conviction to be proactive and work on bettering one’s self no matter how few or how many obstacles one has before them. Feeling I’m better off dead is only exasperated and reinforced by all the abuse I’ve received. Mental Illness is complex and confusing, even for those who live with it. People who suffer from mental health issues may be harder to interact with and often require more patience. Educating oneself about this disease benefits everyone involved, even if you don‘t think you know anyone who is mentally ill (though everyone likely does). Most of all we all, esp. the mentally ill, are deserving of understanding and compassion. Please remember to treat others as you would want to be treated yourself. *** NAMI StigmaBusters: Is a network of dedicated advocates across the country, around the world, who seek to fight inaccurate and hurtful representations of mental illness. Learn more at: www.Nami.org.