ONE) The girl who will be the one, who will epitomize the old saying "Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes." TWO) Robert Smith of The Cure, because he is Robert Smith. THREE) Dashiell Hammett, even though he is dead -- but still, it'd be cool to meet the heir to Edgar Allen Poe's criminal fiction throne and then find out how I could get Hammett to adopt me. FOUR) Jesus, 'cause he's all right with me. FIVE) Satan, so I could punch him in his horn-rimmed head right in his widow's peak that he stole from Eddie Munster. SIX) The Bush twins....and I'll bring the rubber sheets and oil, with some live hamsters and some peach preserves. SEVEN) Donald Rumsfeld, because he is a bad mother(WATCH YO MOUTH)but I'm talking about Rummy. EIGHT) Sting (after traveling in a time machine so I can shoot him right after he left The Police). NINE) Joe Camel, because he's been out of work and doing sex videos with Spuds McKenzie. and TEN) The publisher of the next newspaper who, despite my loose cannon status and the potential that the newspaper's insurance rates will go up if I'm on the payroll, will actually have the balls to tell shitty editors to get the F out of my way 'cause I'm coming up, mofo!