I Miss My Two Angels In Heaven

About Me

So you want to know about me? You will never know the real me if you don't already... I will keep you at arms' reach, away from my heart. I don't trust easily, I have never been settled, and I have experienced more pain in my life than most of you will will ever have to deal with in your entire lives. I am extremely strong, stubborn, and independant. I have to be. Or else I wouldn't get out of bed each day. On April 16th, 2007, my Mother (Donna Tryphena (Hayden) Dube)and my Daughter (Sapphyre Skye Perro)were killed in a flood. Ages 54, and not quite 5. Up until that day I knew the meaning of life. I had the most love flowing through my body I will probably never have the chance to feel again. You can tell me time will heal the pain, and life will get easier. Well, you haven't lost the two direct connections to your world now, have you? My pain will never heal, and it never will be easier. I have to learn how to live without them even though they are so very much alive within me. I have to allow myself to cry often or else it pools inside of me and eats me away like a poison. I have to re-train my whole system, how I function, how I think. I can't plan in advance, and I can't look forward to things. I am not depressed, I am a realist. There is not one person who can tell me anything to make me feel better. Not a medication to make the pain go away. Not a second I close my eyes, or have them open, that goes by without me being aware of my loss. Do I believe in Heaven? That is where they are waiting for me. Do I believe in God? He has the answers to the questions I have. Will I give up? My Mom and Sapphyre knew me better than that. I never wanted to be a failure to them in their life. And I certainly won't allow myself to let them down now. You will be afraid to ask me about them, about what happened, about how I am doing. Well, it is a reality I will have for the rest of my days. I am not afraid to talk about them or what happened. I may tear up, but I usually can smile through it. Because I have a million happy memories, nothing left unsaid, and I will see them again someday.

My Blog

Dear Mom

March 31, 2009Dear Mom, I wanted to call you and let you know I landed safely here in Colorado. And I wanted to call you to say hello& that I miss you so much. I wanted to hear your advice on a f...
Posted by on Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:11:00 GMT

So Far Away...

For the rest of everyone who has been dealing with the loss of my Daughter and my Mother, time makes things easier. But for myself, alone, time actually makes everything harder. The more of it that pa...
Posted by on Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:13:00 GMT

Run...

When all is said and done,And I've slowed down from my run-Running from the life which I've been handed... I don't wanna go anywhere now.I'm tired of being the one who lost it all- I just want to find...
Posted by on Mon, 16 Jun 2008 20:40:00 GMT

June 17th

Tomorrow would be Sapphyre's 6th Birthday. People claim the year of firsts is hardest... but I disagree. The first year you are in so much shock, disbelief, and pain. And the second year... you'r...
Posted by on Mon, 16 Jun 2008 08:47:00 GMT

Do Not Presume to Know

I am a Motherless, Daughterless, child One who cries alone every night I have lost my two favorite loves And I can't see the world for all of its light In the daytime you see me so strong ...
Posted by on Sat, 10 May 2008 10:43:00 GMT

I Hate This...

I hate wearing a mask every day now for over a year. No one knows how many times a day I would breakdown and cry if I let myself. No one knows the pain I feel every second of every day- and especially...
Posted by on Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Amber sent this to me...Thank you

"Someone's Watching Over Me" (author unknown to me...)Found myself todayOh I found myself and ran awaySomething pulled me backThe voice of reason I forgot I hadAll I know is you're not here to sayWhat...
Posted by on Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:20:00 GMT

Time Fades

Time scares me. The more of it that passes by, the further away I get from the past. I'm terrified of forgetting what their voices sound like when they spoke my name& how their eyes crinkled and twin...
Posted by on Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:52:00 GMT

One Year Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be exactly one year since the passing of the two closest people to me of my lifetime. No, I'm not okay. No, I will not ever be. Thank you for all your support, but no, you cannot do any...
Posted by on Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:11:00 GMT

Sunshine and Loneliness

I grew up reading fairy tales with their "Happily Ever After" endings. And that’s really all I ever wanted in life. Not the riches or fame, nor the fictional Prince Charming or those glorious ...
Posted by on Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:35:00 GMT