I'm Aspen and I like to write jokes!
I add my jokes to Sickipedia
Here's some jokes I wrote. I've toned this down a bit - if you want to see them in their full foul-mouthed glory you'll have to read them on my blog!
God, I nearly died on the bus this morning. I got a violent erection and couldn't get rid of it.It was so embarrassing when I got up to get off - people were shouting stuff like, "you dirty pervert"
and, "put some bloody clothes on".
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I'm one of those people that likes to have a shit while I'm reading.
This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones.
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Top Tip:
Fill your inflatable sex doll with helium so that you still get some of the thrill of the chase.
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A ginger kid got knocked down by a lorry outside my house today. Just think - that could've been me.
But I can't drive a lorry.
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I went to see a sick friend in hospital earlier...
I found him in the morgue masturbating.
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I got a right goer back to my place last night...
She saw my nob and said, "right, I'm going."
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I went to one of those gadget shops earlier today and I bought one of them wind-up radios.
I got it home and switched it on and it said "Your dick's tiny, your kids are ugly and your wife's shagging your best mate".
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It's really embarrassing when you see your parents nude.
Especially when you're watching the porn channel with your mates.
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My mate said to me today, "What would you like people to say at your funeral?"
I said, "Preferably: 'Look at that! He's bloody coming back to life!'"
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My younger brother's an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs...
A porsche and his own house by the age of 20.
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Me and the wife have been having trouble with our sex life lately so we went to see a sex therapist. She suggested that we should keep a diary with a record of every time we have sex.
So far I'm winning 7-2!
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I've just found out I've got a three year old daughter!
My wife says I need to be a bit more attentive round the house.
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Why do they call them "Smart Cars" when you look a right dickhead driving one?
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I bought some new binoculars last week and I recommend them highly. They're powerful enough to look into the bedroom of the girl opposite, and they're light enough to keep them steady with one hand.