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WARNING: If you are an emo, please read this article, as the side effects include: lowering self-esteem (as if you had any!), (deeper) depression, and real suicide (not attempted suicide, like you emos always seem to be attempting).Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:* Depression * Fear * Suicide * Emo * Hamlet * Torture * Death * Hell * Adam SandlerHe's miserable. Are you?“We're Nonconformist!â€~ All Emos on Delusionality“They're on my 'to smite' list. It is, unfortunately, very long.â€~ God on Emos“I wish my lawn was like an emo kid so it would cut itselfâ€~ Oscar Wilde on Emo kidsContents [hide]* 1 Root of word * 2 Summary * 3 Natural Habitat * 4 Posers * 5 The Emo 'Style' * 6 Where to find Emos * 7 General Facts * 8 Early rumblings * 9 How to be Emo * 10 What to do if Being Assaulted by an Emo * 11 Emos - The Facts * 12 See Also[edit] Root of wordThe word emo comes from an English corruption of the word emu, used to denote a sound like that of an emu's death squawk. This is the enemy. Enlarge This is the enemy.Ex: As the sixteen-ton piano collapsed onto Ms. Crabtree's joyless septegenarian body, she let out a horrendous emo that was heard miles away.Nowadays, the term refers to a sub-genre of insanely depressing music and one eyed haircuts invented by accident by the maverick comedian Emo Phillips. This genre of music is widely acknowledged to be a particularly virulent form of crap.Not to be confused with the Emergency Machine-Off button found on heavy machinery, although both provoke a strong urge to donkey punch it to just make it shut the fuck up.It is also said that word comes from the Latin "Emonssae" meaning "gay pride parade."Even more intriguing, the word "emo" in Latin means 'to buy, purchase'. However, what this has to do with anything has not yet been discovered, though Torchwood believes it is close to an answer. Perhaps it is a small reference to the assorted blades that they use on themselves. [edit] SummaryEmos are such happy people. Why are you reading this article? What is the purpose? At any time during your reading of this article your life could be washed away. Why can't it all just end now? Don't tell me you want to kill yourself, or I'll do it for you. Get off the interweb. [edit] Natural HabitatEmos love dark places. They are often found in large, expensive mansions living with their parents. They go to their local high school and are preyed on by ninja Teletubbies. They soon fall into deep depression and then hang out with their friends outside at the local Burger King and never grab a bite and mope around. Another place of interest is, in fact, their own bathroom. They derive entertainment out of taking pictures of the reflections of themselves, often showing the camera flash, and occasionally their scars. This has proven another fact. The fact is that emos are horrible photographers. With all this in mind, common logic would be to shun them from society, or throw them into a pack of wild wolves. It should also be noted that if one were to want to see an example of an emo, all they would have to do is look on MySpace. Emos are always found saying that they are misunderstood and that they are miserable. This is usually followed by a rant about how they just got tickets to the next My Chemical Romance concert. [edit] PosersAll Emos are actually posers. They are all nonconformists by doing the exact same things. All the real emos died out a long time ago in a mass suicide at an Antioch Arrow concert. [edit] The Emo 'Style'Emos love to wear black clothing mixed with smaller amounts of shockingly bright colors, especially, but not limited to, their hair. Emos tend to favor one-eyed hair cuts. Some believe this ridiculous hairstyle to have stemmed from a lack of self-esteem, but it is more commonly believed that they only have one eye. They can be easily identified by their ridiculously tight jeans if male (stolen from sister's closet or bought at Macy's) or by having more metal on their pants than a gun shop. They totally lack common sense and self respect, if female. They wear arm warmers that cover the self-inflicted wounds, but in such a way that they can quickly pull them away and 'inadvertently' show the scars or to get their quick fix of cutting themselves. (Emos seem to be addicted to cutting themselves.) They love to steal their sister's clothing and make-up if male. They love to wear heavy black eye-liner, as status among Emos is based upon the amount of eyeliner worn. They also love to take pictures of themselves with one side of their face showing, as if they are ashamed of being them. They also never smile in pictures, and sometime give the peace sign, sideways. In the case of females, this means "I've sucked cock this many times squared times itself, in one month." This is sometimes (7 out of 10 times) applicable to males.For more info on this grotesque style of Emo, Click Here. Sightings have been all too common lately. Enlarge Sightings have been all too common lately. [edit] Where to find EmosThere is a lot of places where you can find Emos. However, here is just a few places where you can usually find them.* Local Record Store - They rarely ever purchase a record. * The tampon aisle. * In dark corners smoking cigarettes and flipping hair every 3 to 4 seconds * Hot Topic - and stores near it. In order to go past this area, a gas mask and earmuffs are required. Don't ask me why! Just do it! * Back of the room - Make sure its an Emo, or you might get fondled or beaten by a Goth, depending on gender. Sort of. The males and females aren't too picky. Whatever they can get their hands on is fine, as long as they're white. Goths are secretly Nazis, and they intend to institute a fascist student government at your high school. * Bookstore - Due to the fact that Emos like to read Manga and watch Anime. It is not advised to deprive a target Emo of their books or they may use that razor in their pocket to cut someone other than themselves. However, a simple martial arts block can make them accidentally stab themselves, thus getting rid of one more of those little shits. * At a concert, standing completely still. You will hear a constant sort of groan. In 1997 it was reported that an Emo started to headbang. He was later assassinated by Ninja Teletubbies. * Probably hiding on the computer, on MySpace posting pictures of them at every angle, posing like they are depressed and unique. * Michelle goncalves bedroom/Michelle goncalves Vagina * In the public washroom stalls, hiding on the toilet seat and mumbling a song by ABBA, so don't hesitate to use the washrooms. Throw wet paper towel wads at them from outside the stall to make them leave and stop singing their terrible music. * You may spot them at a park on a child's swing. It's great fun to run up behind one and drop-kick them off of it. * Dangerfield stores and other stores that are similar. * The Local mall, in much abundance. Avoid at all costs. If you must go there for some God-forsaken reason, don't hesitate to gas the mall first. If it worked for the Nazis, then it'll work for you too! Plus, since everyone's dead, feel free to pillage the mall. This works best with Vikings or Huns, your pick. * Their bathrooms. If not, their damn friends' bathrooms. * On Town Hall steps in Sydney, Australia and Flinders Street Station steps in Melbourne, Australia, making out with their boyfriend (if male) or girlfriend (if female) and smoking blueberry flavoured cigarettes. Feel free to assault them; nobody's going to stop you!!! * On a full page of your yearbook, because they killed themself. Note how the page has the little easy-rip line on it. Use it. * Hiding at the back of adult only clubs trying hopelessly to find scraps of food or alcohol.[edit] General FactsThese facts were too long to list under the subcategory at the bottom of this page so some general facts of the Emo race is here:* Emo is a group that a lot of young, depressed magical people place themselves into in these modern times. Once someone has become into this group, many other actions automatically become part of their normal everyday activities, these consist of: drug abuse; cutting of wrists and other self mutilation and bodily harm; homosexual activities; and many other disgusting and unnatural activities that the majority of society reject.* It is these activities that they decided to participate in because they felt rejected and separated from society in the first place, although the willingness of Emos to continue with these activities have made them forever hated and rejected by society.* Any psychiatrist would say that these very emotional people need to be encouraged by the rest of society to help them out of this state of depression. But they would also agree on the outrageous stereotype they have placed themselves into, and is just asking for causes of deeper depression.* The more common sex of Emos is male; this is generally because they get overly upset about being rejected by good looking young ladies, and/or because they have extensively small penises. Most females that are in this group have fallen in because they are quite ugly and referred to as ‘moles’; or have something wrong with their bodies i.e. a lopsided vagina; unusually hairy body; or are just generally disgusting and sick-minded people.* Most Emos just wish they could die (slitting their wrists), but don’t have the guts to kill themselves and so continue moaning, and whining about anything that annoys them. It is this that drives the rest of humanity to want to shoot these disgusting people.* Emos are fearful of true individuality as most true individualists will see through them. They thus call it "immaturity".* Many cool people enjoy going on Emo killing sprees and eating Emos for breakfast. Just nobody likes Emos.[edit] Early rumblings Glenn Danzig, an Emo's worst nightmare. He has been known to feast on Emo kids before a show. Enlarge Glenn Danzig, an Emo's worst nightmare. He has been known to feast on Emo kids before a show. "I EAT EMOS FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!" - Henry Rollins. Enlarge "I EAT EMOS FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!" - Henry Rollins.There are a few existing theories on how the entire Emo movement was started... Theory 1: Some people have gone so far to suggest that "emo" originated in the 1980's, as a way to describe a branch of hardcore punk that appeared in the 1980's, with "emo" being short for "emotive hardcore," and eventually evolved into grindcore inflected punk music. But these people are liars, and everybody on the internet knows that "emo" means "angsty kids who take pictures of themselves on MySpace and cut themselves." Because random fat people sitting in their basements have confirmed this, it is automatically true.Theory 2: The first 'wave' of emo started in Emo, Lithuania in the early 1980s, led by creator Emo Phillips' band 'Sad Emo' (especially bassist Brian Emo) and their mascot the Emo Emu. The breakthrough sound of Phillips' incessant blubbering over a muddy acoustic punk riff quickly spawned a thousand identical bands that spread all over the country within a matter of months (especially the French-speaking bits). Teenagers and other abnormally-hormonal people were soon taken in by the trend, combining the least popular elements of Goth, punk and new-romanticism into an exciting, if whiny, new whole. And thus, the emo kid was born. Major labels soon took note, and keen to capitalize on pubescent emotion, soon signed several bands into their catalogs, including Quebec's 'Misery Child' and the almost unbelievably depressing 'A Darkened Room Filled With Black Roses And Dead Rotting Babies'. The increased amount of crying caused by the traitorous 'selling out' of these bands literally broke the emo genre to pieces, where it was left to gather dust for several years. Early emo Kid and philosopher Søren Kierkegaard's philosophy summed up the new emo kid world view it his book Why She does Not Care.The Emo community took great offence and organized massive rallies responding, "Life has no meaning and we're too sad to take an official stance."Theory 3: Recently, scientists have discovered that Emo is a population control method created by the UN and the American government. Recently population has increased considerably and that is why these two organizations decided to create emo to control population growth. The idea of creating so-called "music" that would make teenage losers kill themselves was conceived by Tom Cruise while he was on ecstasy and has been very effective, killing almost 100% of losers in the world. [edit] How to be Emo Remember kids, Down the road, not across! Enlarge Remember kids, Down the road, not across!WARNING: Do not go Emo. Do not join them. It is a risk to your health. (United States Surgeon General)Your main goal in life has to be to commit suicide and think you're amazing with your crying emo-ness... well, not really commit suicide, but to give off the impression that you wish to commit suicide. Why the Emos would wish to commit suicide it is unsure, as many of them seem to have fairly good upper-middle-class lives. However, that is not to say that the poor parents of these fools do not neglect and abuse them (understand, they, like everyone else, simply cannot help themselves), which almost explains the Emos' constant need for attention. However, since a large part of Emo is a basic failure to deal with life, you will fail to achieve this goal repeatedly anyway and in a variety of different ways. After that your goal is going to see Simple Plan and listen to them perform "Blarg(!)." Then you should cry; if not, then take note of all the other emo kids crying at the concert and just join in, all you individuals! Getting closer! Enlarge Getting closer!You should be single to become an emo, and it helps to be bisexual or have cross-dressing tendencies as well. As you most likely are NOT bisexual or do not have cross-dressing tendencies, it is okay to pretend you are/do (of course, the scientific term being "emosexual" - not to be confused with "emu[sexual" which means a liking for long thin legs with a bush on top) and shamelessly seek attention accordingly. At the very least, go to parties at least once a month, have two shots and loll around screaming about how wasted you are (even though you clearly are not), make out with someone of the same sex (and proceed to vomit after it's been posted on vampirefreaks), and blame it on the alcohol that nearly poisoned you. If necessary, have someone drive you to the hospital while crying hysterically--this is always a good way to make friends. Remember !!!Not wanting to be labelled as Emo is sooo Emo!!! If someone calls you an Emo faggot, cry about it, then go with your friends (clones)... if you have any, and brag about how emo you are. Anywayz (Note that the emo uses a Z instead of an S whenever possible, it is not known why they do it, but Dr. House has said "The little bastards just don't know when to quit pissing me off". This is a good enough reason for us), if you do have a partner, you can still become an Emo provided that you become ridiculously dependent upon them and repeatedly tell them how depressed you'd be without them, whereas a non-Emo might usually claim to love them or ask them to pick up a pint of milk on their way home. This subtle form of emotional blackmail should be the basis of all your significant relationships. The closer a friend is, the more you blackmail them. If there is the slightest hint of a conflict with a perceived friend, or anyone at all, overreact as much as you possibly can. Of course, the emosexual must always have a long-term partner of the opposite sex - the Simple Plan code means whining/crying/"suicide" about your girlfriend/boyfriend/Dead Cat dumping you on MySpace then proceeding to put videos of yourself kissing some random other same-sex Emo on YouTube. Electric Emo, while simpler, has yet to take off Enlarge Electric Emo, while simpler, has yet to take off [edit] What to do if Being Assaulted by an EmoIf you come in contact with an Emo it is best to avoid them entirely, but if it is necessary, there are several ways to dispose of a would-be Emo assailant:* The most common Emo assault is excessive whining. If being attacked by a whining Emo, the simplest defence is to degrade them verbally, or kick them between the legs. If the Emo does not appear to have genitals of any kind (87% of Emos do not have testicles), proceed to another step. * If an Emo approaches you with a weapon, (Common Emo weapons include: a razor, a kitchen knife, a crap bass guitar, or the broken shards of their dignity), you should attempt to remove the weapon immediately. If you cannot remove their weapon, make them feel hopeless. * If you are being assaulted by Emos in large numbers, call the local authorities, or just spray them with a garden hose, (though a fire hose works better) or play some Amon Amarth. Playing any of their songs has the same effect on emos as a nuclear warhead does on humans. However, since you are too stupid to find their music, you will be eaten alive. Emos turn into Zombies if they're grouped together. * If you are attacked by a small group of Singing Emos (Emos that cluster together to sing their most favorite Panic! At the Disco song), counter with rapping. The sound of lyrics not being sung in an annoying, whiny voice will drive any Emo to madness. Encourage any friends you are with to beatbox, as this will increase the effectiveness of your rhymes. Note: It does not matter if you do a freestyle or if you repeat the lyrics to a song you heard on the radio. However, if you do choose the latter, take care not to sing a song by either 50 Cent or Kanye West. These two artists are actually Emo and singing songs by either of them carries the risk of attracting additional Emos. * If all else fails, make the sign of the cross (or your own religion's symbol) and pray to God (or suitable deity). This has a small chance of success, but has worked before. * Remember, most Emos are unusually frail and are quick to run away at the slightest hint of trouble, your best chance of surviving an assault is to retaliate with a swift throat punch, preventing further whining and causing said Emo to run away 9.8 times out of 10.* Call on the Viking Metal fans. They'll use kickass swords and axes and will summon Thor to help them rid the world of Emos. However, since you aren't cool enough to even be in their presence, let alone speak to them, the world will never be freed of the mop-top menace. * Call your Black Metal friends. They will put a spell on the assaulting Emos, so they cant move. Furthermore, they will sacrifice them to Satan after disembowelling and eating their guts in a spooky ceremony deep in the woods. * You can get a female emo to leave you alone if you stare at it. This sounds odd, but it works. Female Emos don't think they're worth anything, so they'll feel like they're not good enough to be looked at. This works regardless of your gender. Or, if you are totally perverted, you can flirt with it. This is recommended, since Emos will spontaneously combust if shown affection and or pity.If you wish to see an example of a stupid Emo, and practice such techniques online (they cannot kill you with their zombie powers this way, but only torment you with their stupidity, so there is SOME risk) [edit] Emos - The Facts* Fact - The Roman's did not nail Emo Jesus to the cross, he in fact, nailed himself after band practice. Luckily the Emo Virgin Mary caught him and now makes him go to therapy twice a week. And Michael Bolton is played over and over again in the waiting room. * Fact - Emos can't play music. Their bands suck because the only instrument any of them play is the bass guitar, and they never invest in a good one, either. These Emos are hated by all real bass players. * Fact - Emos try to be different... * Fact - They all dress the same, look the same and sound the same. This is explained in the fact below. * Fact - Emo bands don't all just sound/look the same, but they are actually the same band. * Fact - The Emos' inner turmoil stems from one crushing fact. They purport to only want to go out in the rain - to hide the tears that stream endlessly down their faces - yet the rain messes up their "ridiculously cool" hair - what to do? You can see the harm this kind of problem inflicts... * Fact - Emos are spreading across the entire globe and it's happening right NOW - Mongolia has already been lost. * Fact - Emos are OBSESSED with Panic! At the Disco, Hawthorne Heights, and My Chemical Romance as well as the single most Emo band (ever.) AFI whilst having an aversion to all other musical styles. * Fact - Emos spend almost the same amount of money on their hair as their make-up (only applies to male Emos). * Fact - The one thing Emos fear most is death, generally their own, yet they are suicidal. * Fact - Walter Sobchak did not watch his buddies die face down in the muck for this to happen. * Fact - Tell an Emo that you and everyone else understands and cares and they will have a breakdown (sometimes they may even spontaneously combust). * Fact- the only people that will have sex with emos are other emos, goths, and michelle goncalves * Fact - Eating Emo-meat will pass the Emo retrovirus into your system. * Fact - Emos are easy to spot, but hard to catch, thus making Emo-hunting all the more exciting. * Fact - According to the theory of conservation of Emo, you cannot kill an Emo, but instead only change its form. * Fact - Being Emo is Emo and not Emo at the same time according to quantum theory. * Fact - Emos don't have Arts & Crafts at school, since they always abuse the tools. * Fact - Emos are generally made of space-dust and have no sense of humour. * Fact - If you are ever likely to meet an Emo, always carry a silver stake and a bottle of holy water (a hand grenade would be useful as well); angle grinders also work well. * Fact - Emos travel in packs; the weakest one is always hiding in the middle. * Fact - Emos think they are hard; and they are, if you think that Angel Delight is as good for cutting metal as a diamond edged angle grinder. * Fact - If you use an angle grinder to remove their hand then they will transmegamortify into a Super Emo by course that they think losing the limb is the ultimate in self harm, this can be avoided by cutting to (no pun) the chase and going for the head. * Fact - Emos suck, not only themselves but also their Emo-companion (only males). * Fact - Emos die easiest in 3 ways: 1) being eaten by a Grue, 2) by insulting their favourite band, which, everyone knows sucks. This causes the Emo to cut themselves at light-speed, thus dying of sudden blood loss, 3) being asskicked by Gochuck (the new entity of Goku and Chuck Norris by the Metamoru art of Fusion) * Fact - Emos are allergic to daylight. * Fact - Emos consider cutting their wrists as a sport. * Fact - Emos believe that their parents are against them after they buy them cars, computers, razors, etc... * Fact - Pictures of Emos can mainly be found on MySpace. Usually taken from a high angle, in front of a mirror whilst covering one eye from view. This is believed to be artistic amongst Emos and shows social status. * Fact - Emos find themselves sexy when attempting suicide, so when you find someone with a knife on their wrist and a hand on their sex organ, kill them immediately. * The Fatal Fact - This realization may cure humanity from Emos forever(!), but it has to be simultaneously applied to all Emos at once for it to work, if Emos are mostly gone but few, they will have succeeded in their quest to alienate themselves, and it would mean the end of the world. Yes. So, in order to completely and utterly destroy Emonity, (for the salvation of humanity) simply illuminate the Emos of the most obvious, though for them the most incomprehensible, of truths:"Emo, is in fact Mainstream II, the sequel of Mainstream, only more self-centered". The very last part of the sentence must be spoken with haste, before the Emo gets a chance to cut it's ears off in an attempt to shield itself from obvious truth (extremely common in Emo self-defence, next to dying).NOTE: An attempt at the use of this technique could be, in fact, extremely hazardous, if not lethal, to commence. One method would mean to "fabricate an Emo band" with the purpose of gaining all Emos' attention in order to eliminate the insignificant threat. Of course, this band needs not to be built from scratch, or even have a long history of failure and disappointment for that matter. Simply 'borrow' materials and lyrics from other Emo bands, surely neither the bands nor their fans will spot any similarities. Names like "My Chemical Panic", or "Romance! At the Disco" are sure bets of would be Emo band names. When all Emos' attention is acquired, through either television, radio(very effective) or other media, the message should be delivered live through a new song (since it's being performed by real musicians disguised as Emos, the audience would automatically pay attention, ergo: it wont suck), right in the middle of the chorus at somewhat high speed, (see Emo self-defence) and also through backmasking in the intro to subliminally break their spirits before the final blow.
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