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I have an imaginary lesbian amputee Wal Mart greeting friend, named Clifford...I learned how to properly use chopsticks from the back of a generic "Froot Loops" cereal box(coincidentally, the same box that NEARLY slipped me the secret ingredient in BUSHS baked beans...FUCK!?!)..Back in '00 my little swimmers guided their way to a lucky batch of ovaries...The end result is basically the BEST/weirdest child(not a garden C.L.A.W., contrary to popular belief) that a male/female/hermaphrodite could EVER ask for...I sometimes fantasize about being Elton Johns piano...Just so I can be like "Yeah bitch...Im Elton Johns piano....REPRESENT 'HO!?!!"..then flash my homoerotic gang signs...and piss off the West Coast pianos..and start this huge ass fucking East Coast / West Coast piano gang rivalry(Even though Im from the fucking Midwest..which would make victory all the sweeter...WORD.)...Im in a fucking band, of sorts...We're pretty much Original Gangsters...hailing from the heroin needle littered streets of Yugoslavia... ...CLICK THE FUCKING PICTURE, DUH!?!!...When I was a little McDick...I wanted to be a Mexican when I grew up...Fucking awesome how that panned out...Im probably the most awesome motherfucker that youll ever meet..No...really...Dont believe me???...Go slurp on a bowl of dick soup...Chuck Taylors are simply footgasmic...and they keep me in touch with my vato/gangster grand piano side...My dog spends the majority of the day sleeping, and devouring her ancient vagina(she smells like a cross between stale crackers and your breath..OMFG DISSS!?!!...TEEHEE!!)...SLUTS are an absolute horrendous waste of fucking flesh(but theyre fun...LAWLZ!!?!?!ROTFLOLZZZZ!!?!)...Seriously...do the world a favor, and sew your fuckpiece shut...The Price Is Right Is fucking awesome..AND a "MARK GOODSON TELEVISION PRODUCTION"(Who the hell is Mark Goodson, anyways???!?!..and why the fuck has he kept Bob Barker on the air for 45657657 years..other than the simple fact that he's a sexual symbol of this lifetime???...the man ejaculates dust, for fucks sake)....My furry collared elderly man jacket will probably make you spontaneously orgasm(happened to Dr. Phil)...Im infatuated with broads who wear clothes, and keep their mustaches neatly groomed...I hate when you get that inopportune wedgy...and you want to dig the motherjumper out of your shit crack...but you dont know if it would be fitting to just cram your hand into your panties, and relieve your ailing anus...or just wait until the asshole that youre talking to walks away...THEN dig for butt gold...and you're not really ecstatic about having swamp ass marinating into your fingertips...decisions, decisions...FUCK!?!...You pretty much get the picture(Its a picasso...LAWLZ!?)...One last thing...through my endearing experiences...Ive come to the brash realization that the majority(99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9 per cent) of women have a fuckton of screws loose...if you fall under this category(you probably do)...Please dope up on your meds...then contact me...kthxinadvancewhores..Im basically fucking AWESOME(but you already knew that), and I could give a shit less about 99 per cent of humanity...so if YOU somehow slipped through the crack, and have ever meant something to my cold, black, seemingly non existant heart(ZOMFG SO hXc LAWLZ!!!!?!?!?)...then feel like one of the privileged fucking few...lickmyassthx???...
Feel free to stalk me and have sex with my panda bear collection (minus the stalk me part)...*grabs anal lube*...Im an equal opportunity asshole...The End.<2
