Shemthepenman

Shem ran away from America at the tender young age of 33, having publically humiliated himself as a singer-song writer in the Johnny Rotten-sensitive-poet-crying-to-the-stars-in-a-rub-a-dub stylee forlong enough. "No one understood me, so it was better to go where they shouldn't understand me- abroad."“Run Shemmy, run! Run and hide your shame,” cried his mother, who didn’t understand him either, especially when he was enrolled in the Chumash intensive language program where his teacher told him he would learn to speak Chumash more quickly if he just assumed everyone was a Chumash and addressed them in Chumash. His mother being the proud type was unable to admit that she didn’t understand what he was saying, but that’s perhaps a different story."No one understood him, because he wouldn't turn the reverb down," grumbled Fidel Tirado his supervisor and social worker at a work habilitation program where he learned to hand craft various kinds of boxes used for the delicate purpose of shipping vitamin pills. Fidel would know about those things being the skilled classical garage band conductor of Screaming Deathly Quiet Ones fame and the recently disbanded Billabong Nervosa Boxers an offshoot of David Lowery is Actually Thomas Pynchon.Jim Morrison who later became the singer and astrologer Rob Brezhny generously commented over a cappuccino at Winchell's donuts last August, "Shem hung out with me so much back in '65 on Venice Beach that his voice actually gained a permanent reverb sound. It wasn't anything he was doing with his effects settings. It was because of some kind of aborted transpersonal awakening that I apparently caused, his brain just began interpreting everything his ears piped in with reverb and being a gifted mimic he just automatically and compulsively speaks with reverb on his voice. I have the same problem sometimes and ya know, you can never get a break, ordering a burger and fries with reverb on your voice, so he had to go to Asia where those with reverb afflictions on their voices are highly respected figures such as politicians. When I go to places like China and Thailand people are happy to converse with someone who sounds like they are speaking through a reverb chamber.Damon Edge of Chrome who passed away several years ago, and another sufferer of permanent reverb syndrome joined Jim and I at Winchell's and had this to offer, "Reverb challenged singers like their cousins the compulsive delay unit mimics, which is different than ordinary echolalia, face a lot of ostracization in American society. They think we are trying to impart some kind of undue importance to evrything we are saying and when we sing they say its because we are just bad singers. Its really a drag, I decided to just check out, myself.’We asked Shem if he had any plans to do covers of “Hotel California.” “Yes, that’s an obvious question, since I am in the other city of angels in Thailand now where you hear “Hotel California” everywhere you go. In fact, the government censorship board decided long ago that that was the only song from the west that was appropriate for Thai people to hear, so the rock radio stations here only play that song and all rock bands in Thailand only play Hotel California, it’s the only song they are aware of, they have caught wind of another one “Cotton Fields,” by Credence, but that’s probably a long way off as far as breaking any in roads into even the underground which also only plays “Hotel California.” It’s actually quite an interesting song, after hearing it everywhere everyday for six years it kinda grows on you. I’ve got a two-step version of it I sing while operating a 303, but I’ve faced a lot of criticism. They say I just don’t know the song very well. They have a point, I haven’t listened to it everyday day for thirty years like some of my critics so… I think I need to deepen my familiarity with the song before I do a version of it.”As the authors feel that background, or context as we like to call it, being the liberal academic snoots that we are, is all so oh so important we would like to make the bands background an ongoing work in progress, as background is never anything that is ultimately static and is in constant flux depending on the whims of the locutioner. So, stay tuned or alternate tuned, or, no, perhaps tuning and being tuned is relative or perhaps ought to be…(Look! Get a grip!- Editor)We queried Shem in a more interesting manner than the last interviewer who was more interested in boring us with such things as Shems past and the nature of his music, let's have a look at how Shem answered questions for a proper interview revealing the true personality of the man behind the laptop on such well known tunes throughout Northern Shropshire and environs as "Johnny Magillacuddy Was a Wee Aulde 17th Century Rock 'n Roller Innuh Crumpette Shop Down in New Oh-leans!"Interviewer: TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF Shem!SHem: What did you say? I can't hear you, you're mumbling.Interviewer: TELL! US! ABOUT! YOURSELF!SHem: Oh that's what I thought you said.Ok. When? Now?Interviewer: No, wait... OK, now!Shem: Allright. Now? Interviewer: Now's fine...Shem: But that now is already gone, how about this now, is it OK?Interviewer: Just answer our questions then, maybe that will be a bit easier. What's your name then, Shem?Shem: My Name....?Interviewer: Yes, Shem! Come on, lad, tell us your name!Shem: My name's Shem...Interviewer: Attah boy! That's the spirit! Now, then, tell us another thing-Shem: Wait...uhm, you're not going to print this or anything are you?Interviewer: Sure we are, lad! What did you think, we come here for a chat and some tea did we?Shem: Yeah, sure, i mean, why not? Does everything with you English have to have some ingenious design behind it all? What would happen if you did something sort of pointlessly? Do you think you could handle that?Interviewer: Of course not, that's why we came around here!Shem: Excuse me, do you mind if i ask you something? Is that allowed? Are you as you so charmigly like to say, uh, taking the piss?Interviewer: Sure, what did you think?Shem: Yeah... i was gonna say... I mean, what the fuck are you Englishmen always so sarcastic about, I mean, half of you talk to everyone like you're the only genius on planet of the chimpanzees, yet you don't seem to be about much more than being witty to yerselves out loud for no one's particular benefit!Interviewer: Right then! Shall we! Our first question concerns your birthday! Do you like birthdays Shem?Shem: Lets put it this way, if it were your birthday I'd kick your ass, so yeah I'd enjoy it, so I guess we could say I enjoy birthdays, Mr. Smiley.Interviewer: So when was your birthday?Shem: A long fuckin time ago, laddy! Any witticisms to respond to that?Interviewer: Of course, did anyone ever kick your ass on your birthday, as you so charmingly like to put it?Shem: I can't remember, but if I were the doctor, I would have kicked your ass for being so witty and charming... what's wrong with you man, they didn't give you enough free milk at school, you've gotta hump in your back? I'm really jealous, i wish i had a hump, I mean it makes you seem so fucking what is it...! Interviewer: I don't know what you are talking about, so don't ask me. Right!Tell us then where were you born?Shem: By a riverbank, not the kind where you save money either!Interviewer: Very clever. Where are you now Shem?Shem: Same place you are, mate! Hotel California. Interviewer: As you requested Shem, we wouldn't take any photos of you, do you think you could tell people what you look like?Shem: C'mon...Interveiwer; No, you c'monShem: Ok, I look like I wet my pants or I'm about to, how's that, Reginald?Interveiwer: We've already been introduced, I believe, and I think I kindly introduced myself as Marcus, or perhaps you don't remember.Shem: What's a matter Reggie, missed your naptime? OK, you're right it was over fifteen minutes ago and i try not to relate to the past that much. Did anyone ever tell you, you'd make a good butler.Interviewer: Right, then.Shem: No it isn't right, that's the point, mate, I was just trying to provide you with a little guidance.Interveiwer: You seem to be getting surlier by the minute, perhaps its that time of month and we ought come calling another time then?Shem: Right then!So, as you can see, this called for a questionaire, which made Shem a lot happier! We provide the responses he gave below:Hair Color: blonde Height: 4' 11" Right Handed or Left Handed: amphibious Your Heritage: Honky The Shoes You Wore Today: Are Italian reebok wanna bees Your Weakness: Interviews with English music magazines Your Fears: other people Your Perfect Pizza: is not cruel to animals or children Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: a seat in the house of representatives Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: How do you use this thing? Thoughts First Waking Up: Shit! Your Best Physical Feature: my big fuckin dong and my forty four inch bust Your Bedtime: when i fall asleep which is usually at about 2:03:13 am Your Most Missed Memory: when I used to be able to remember things Pepsi or Coke: Sexy MacDonalds or Burger King: Winchell's Single or Group Dates: I don't date man, I'm too cool for that Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Didn't they merge or something Chocolate or Vanilla: tequila Cappuccino or Coffee: beer Do you Smoke: Where there is smoke there is fire! Do you Swear: I never promise anything! Do you Sing: Yeah, do you have a problem with that? Do you Shower Daily: Twice daily. Have you Been in Love: Unfortunately. Do you want to go to College: Yeah, I've always wanted a big institution like a college to tell me that I am now legitimate, can think straight, and maybe be a manager someday if I'm good because I borrowed a bunch of money from a bank and put into their coffers. I mean doing that takes such intelligence and integrity, its like gosh... ya know? Do you want to get Married: You mean divorced, right? Do you belive in yourself: I believe you spelled "believe" wrong. Do you get Motion Sickness: No. Does that mean I'm not pregnant? Do you think you are Attractive: Too whom or what? Are you a Health Freak: Nope Do you get along with your Parents: no, too bad. Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes. Do you play an Instrument: Yes. In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: by accident every saturday night and friday night and sometimes while on the job. It's hard to tell the difference between Vodka and water, don't you think? In the past month have you Smoked: alone In the past month have you been on Drugs: Not getting enough sleep is kind of a drug and alcohol is a drug and my asthma medicine is a drug, so... In the past month have you gone on a Date: No. In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Oh, yeah, i hang out out there with my friends all the time. just because your in your forties doesn't mean you cant do that, ya know? In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I'm a vegetarian man. In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No, man. In the past month have you been on Stage: Is that a new drug? In the past month have you been Dumped:Its a kind of permanent existential condition for me, I think. In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: SkannY dapping!? Why, yeah, may 'n Miller Dee jus when over to the pond over they're jus the other naght! Ooo wee! In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Real artists steal. The rest borrow. Ever been Drunk: Nope! Ever been called a Tease: Nope! Ever been Beaten up: Read the interveiw i just did. Ever Shoplifted: No beacuse that's against the law. How do you want to Die: I don't want to die. What do you want to be when you Grow Up: A dentist. What country would you most like to Visit: My native land, America! In a Boy/Girl.. Favourite Eye Color: flashing Favourite Hair Color: red Short or Long Hair: long Height: not important Weight: skinny Best Clothing Style: slutty Number of Drugs I have taken: .3419 at last count Number of CDs I own: 0.78 and counting Number of Piercings: none Number of Tattoos: they're boring I prefer my moles Number of things in my Past I Regret: nothing, it all works out.But actually... if we want to really delve and get to the bottom of it...Shem is as short for Shemus as Jem is joky for Jacob. A few toughnecks are still getatable who pretend that aboriginally he was of respectable stemming (he was an outlex between the lines of Ragonar Blaubarb and Horrild Hairwire and an inlaw to Capt. the Hon. and Rev. Mr Bbyrdwood de Trop Blogg was among his most distant connections) but every honest to goodness man in the land of the space of today knows that his back life will not stand being written about in black and white. Putting truth and untruth together a shot may be made at what this hybrid actually was like to look at. Shem's bodily getup, it seems, included an adze of a skull, an eight of a larkseye, the whoel of a nose, one numb arm up a sleeve, fortytwo hairs off his uncrown, eighteen to his mock lip, a trio of barbels from his megageg chin (sowman's son), the wrong shoulder higher than the right, all ears, an artificial tongue with a natural curl, not a foot to stand on, a handful of thumbs, a blind stomach, a deaf heart, a loose liver, two fifths of two buttocks, one gleetsteen avoirdupoider for him, a manroot of all evil, a salmonkelt's thinskin, eelsblood in his cold toes, a bladder tristended, so much so that young Master Shemmy on his very first debouch at the very dawn of protohistory seeing himself such and such, when playing with thistlewords in their garden nursery, Griefotrofio, at Phig Streat III Shuvlin, Old Hoeland, (would we go back there now for sounds, pillings and sense? would we now for annas and annas? would we for full- score eight and a liretta? for twelve blocks one bob? for four tes- ters one groat? not for a dinar! not for jo!) dictited to of all his little brothron and sweestureens the first riddle of the universe: asking, when is a man not a man?: telling them take their time, yungfries, and wait till the tide stops (for from the first his day was a fortnight) and offering the prize of a bittersweet crab, a little present from the past, for their copper age was yet un- minted, to the winner. One said when the heavens are quakers, a second said when Bohemeand lips, a third said when he, no, when hold hard a jiffy, when he is a gnawstick and detarmined to, the next one said when the angel of death kicks the bucket of life, still another said when the wine's at witsends, and still another when lovely wooman stoops to conk him, one of the littliest said me, me, Sem, when pappa papared the harbour, one of the wittiest said, when he yeat ye abblokooken and he zmear hezelf zo zhooken, still one said when you are old I'm grey fall full wi sleep, and still another when wee deader walkner, and another when he is just only after having being semisized, an- other when yea, he hath no mananas, and one when dose pigs they begin now that they will flies up intil the looft. All were wrong, so Shem himself, the doctator, took the cake, the correct solution being all give it up? ; when he is a yours till the rending of the rocks, Sham. Shem was a sham and a low sham and his lowness creeped out first via foodstuffs. So low was he that he preferred Gibsen's tea- time salmon tinned, as inexpensive as pleasing, to the plumpest roeheavy lax or the friskiest parr or smolt troutlet that ever was gaffed between Leixlip and Island Bridge and many was the time he repeated in his botulism that no junglegrown pineapple ever smacked like the whoppers you shook out of Ananias' cans, Findlater and Gladstone's, Corner House, Englend. None of your inchthick blueblooded Balaclava fried-at-belief-stakes or juicejelly legs of the Grex's molten mutton or greasilygristly grunters' goupons or slice upon slab of luscious goosebosom with lump after load of plumpudding stuffing all aswim in a swamp of bogoakgravy for that greekenhearted yude! Rosbif of Old Zealand! he could not attouch it. See what happens when your somatophage merman takes his fancy to our virgitarian swan? He even ran away with hunself and became a farsoonerite, saying he would far sooner muddle through the hash of lentils in Europe than meddle with Irrland's split little pea. Once when among those rebels in a state of hopelessly helpless intoxication the piscivore strove to lift a czitround peel to either nostril, hic- cupping, apparently impromptued by the hibat he had with his glottal stop, that he kukkakould flowrish for ever by the smell, as the czitr, as the kcedron, like a scedar, of the founts, on moun- tains, with limon on, of Lebanon. O! the lowness of him was beneath all up to that sunk to! No likedbylike firewater or first- served firstshot or gulletburn gin or honest brewbarrett beer either. O dear no! Instead the tragic jester sobbed himself wheywhing- ingly sick of life on some sort of a rhubarbarous maundarin yella- green funkleblue windigut diodying applejack squeezed from sour grapefruice and, to hear him twixt his sedimental cupslips when he had gulfed down mmmmuch too mmmmany gourds of it retching off to almost as low withswillers, who always knew notwithstanding when they had had enough and were rightly indignant at the wretch's hospitality when they found to their horror they could not carry another drop, it came straight from the noble white fat, jo, openwide sat, jo, jo, her why hide that, jo jo jo, the winevat, of the most serene magyansty az archdio- chesse, if she is a duck, she's a douches, and when she has a feherbour snot her fault, now is it? artstouchups, funny you're grinning at, fancy you're in her yet, Fanny Urinia. Aint that swell, hey? Peamengro! Talk about lowness! Any dog's quantity of it visibly oozed out thickly from this dirty little blacking beetle for the very fourth snap the Tulloch-Turn- bull girl with her coldblood kodak shotted the as yet unre- muneranded national apostate, who was cowardly gun and camera shy, taking what he fondly thought was a short cut to Caer Fere, Soak Amerigas, vias the shipsteam Pridewin, after having buried a hatchet not so long before, by the wrong goods exeunt, num- mer desh to tren, into Patatapapaveri's, fruiterers and musical florists, with his Ciaho, chavi! Sar shin, shillipen? she knew the vice out of bridewell was a bad fast man by his walk on the spot. [Johns is a different butcher's. Next place you are up town pay him a visit. Or better still, come tobuy. You will enjoy cattlemen's spring meat. Johns is now quite divorced from baking. Fattens, kills, flays, hangs, draws, quarters and pieces. Feel his lambs ! Ex ! Feel how sheap! Exex! His liver too is great value, a spatiality! Exexex! COMMUNICATED.] Around that time, moravar, one generally, for luvvomony hoped or at any rate suspected among morticians that he would early turn out badly, develop hereditary pulmonary T.B., and do for himself one dandy time, nay, of a pelting night blanketed creditors, hearing a coarse song and splash off Eden Quay sighed and rolled over, sure all was up, but, though he fell heavily and locally into debit, not even then could such an antinomian be true to type. He would not put fire to his cerebrum; he would not throw himself in Liffey; he would not explaud himself with pneumantics; he refused to saffrocake himself with a sod. With the foreign devil's leave the fraid born fraud diddled even death. Anzi, cabled (but shaking the worth out of his maulth: Guarda- costa leporello? Szasas Kraicz!) from his Nearapoblican asylum to his jonathan for a brother: Here tokay, gone tomory, we're spluched, do something, Fireless. And had answer: Inconvenient, David. You see, chaps, it will trickle out, freaksily of course, but the tom and the shorty of it is: he was in his bardic memory low. All the time he kept on treasuring with condign satisfaction each and every crumb of trektalk, covetous of his neighbour's word, and if ever, during a Munda conversazione commoted in the nation's interest, delicate tippits were thrown out to him touch- ing his evil courses by some wellwishers, vainly pleading by scriptural arguments with the opprobrious papist about trying to brace up for the kidos of the thing, Scally wag, and be a men instead of a dem scrounger, dish it all, such as: Pray, what is the meaning, sousy, of that continental expression, if you ever came acrux it, we think it is a word transpiciously like canaille?: or: Did you anywhere, kennel, on your gullible's travels or during your rural troubadouring, happen to stumble upon a certain gay young nobleman whimpering to the name of Low Swine who always addresses women out of the one comer of his mouth, lives on loans and is furtivefree yours of age? with- out one sigh of haste like the supreme prig he was, and not a bit sorry, he would pull a vacant landlubber's face, root with ear- waker's pensile in the outer of his lauscher and then, lisping, the prattlepate parnella, to kill time, and swatting his deadbest to think what under the canopies of Jansens Chrest would any decent son of an Albiogenselman who had bin to an university think, let a lent hit a hint and begin to tell all the intelligentsia admitted to that tamileasy samtalaisy conclamazzione (since, still and before physicians, lawyers merchant, belfry pollititians, agri- colous manufraudurers, sacrestanes of the Pure River Society, philanthropicks lodging on as many boards round the panesthetic at the same time as possible) the whole lifelong swrine story of his entire low cornaille existence, abusing his deceased ancestors wherever the sods were and one moment tarabooming great blunderguns (poh!) about his farfamed fine Poppamore, Mr Humhum, whom history, climate and entertainment made the first of his sept and always up to debt, though Eavens ears ow many fines he faces, and another moment visanvrerssas, cruach- ing three jeers (pah!) for his rotten little ghost of a Peppybeg, Mr Himmyshimmy, a blighty, a reeky, a lighty, a scrapy, a bab- bly, a ninny, dirty seventh among thieves and always bottom sawyer, till nowan knowed how howmely howme could be, giv- ing unsolicited testimony on behalf of the absent, as glib as eaves- water to those present (who meanwhile, with increasing lack of interest in his semantics, allowed various subconscious smickers to drivel slowly across their fichers), unconsciously explaining, for inkstands, with a meticulosity bordering on the insane, the various meanings of all the different foreign parts of speech he misused and cuttlefishing every lie unshrinkable about all the other people in the story, leaving out, of course, foreconsciously, the simple worf and plague and poison they had cornered him about until there was not a snoozer among them but was utterly undeceived in the heel of the reel by the recital of the rigmarole. He went without saying that the cull disliked anything anyway approaching a plain straightforward standup or knockdown row and, as often as he was called in to umpire any octagonal argu- ment among slangwhangers, the accomplished washout always used to rub shoulders with the last speaker and clasp shakers (the handtouch which is speech without words) and agree to every word as soon as half uttered, command me!, your servant, good, I revere you, how, my seer? be drinking that! quite truth, grati- as, I'm yoush, see wha'm hearing?, also goods, please it, me sure?, be filling this!, quiso, you said it, apasafello, muchas grassyass, is there firing-on-me?, is their girlic-on-you?, to your good self, your sulphur, and then at once focuss his whole unbalanced attention upon the next octagonist who managed to catch a listener's eye, asking and imploring him out of his piteous onewinker, (hemoptysia diadumenos) whether there was anything in the world he could do to please him and to overflow his tumbletantaliser for him yet once more. One hailcannon night (for his departure was attended by a heavy downpour) as very recently as some thousand rains ago he was therefore treated with what closely resembled parsonal viol- ence, being soggert all unsuspectingly through the deserted village of Tumblin-on-the-Leafy from Mr Vanhomrigh's house at 81 bis Mabbot's Mall as far as Green Patch beyond the brickfields of Salmon Pool by rival teams of slowspiers counter quicklimers who finally, as rahilly they had been deteened out rawther lae- tich, thought, busnis hits busnis, they had better be streaking for home after their Auborne-to-Auborne, with thanks for the pleasant evening, one and all disgustedly, instead of ruggering him back, and awake, reconciled (though they were as jealous as could be cullions about all the truffles they had brought on him) to a friendship, fast and furious, which merely arose out of the noxious pervert's perfect lowness. Again there was a hope that people, looking on him with the contemp of the contempibles, after first gaving him a roll in the dirt, might pity and forgive him, if properly deloused, but the pleb was born a Quicklow and sank alowing till he stank out of sight. All Saints beat Belial! Mickil Goals to Nichil! Notpossible! Already? In Nowhere has yet the Whole World taken part of himself for his Wife; By Nowhere have Poorparents been sentenced to Worms, Blood and Thunder for Life Not yet has the Emp from Corpsica forced the Arth out of Engleterre; Not yet have the Sachsen and Judder on the Mound of a Word made Warre; Not yet Witchywithcy of Wench struck Fire of his Heath from on Hoath; Not yet his Arcobaleine forespoken Peacepeace upon Oath; Cleftfoot from Hempal must tumpel, Blamefool Gardener's bound to fall; Broken Eggs will poursuive bitten Apples for where theirs is Will there's his Wall; But the Mountstill frowns on the Millstream while their Madsons leap his Bier And her Rillstrill liffs to His Murkesty all her daft Daughters laff in her Ear. Till the four Shores of deff Tory Island let the douze dumm Eire- whiggs raille! Hirp! Hirp! for their Missed Understandings! chirps the Ballat of Perce-Oreille. ....

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