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The HELL OUTREACH SERVICE outpost here on MySpace is NOW monitored 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, by at least one sober staff member.
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The views and opinions expressed on this page in comments, are exclusive to the identified authors. They do not necessarily represent the views of Satan, and acceptance or publication of those submissions does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by Satan, regardless of whether or not the author is affiliated with Satan.
The HELL OUTREACH SERVICE parody web page welcomes people of all faiths, including those of no faith, which is after all its primary intended audience. This page doesn't support religiously inspired hatred, animosity, or intolerance, but rather only reacts to it.
God, Satan, Heaven and Hell are fictitious, and are used here solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real persons are coincidental, except in those cases where known public figures are being satirized. Comments and opinions expressed herein reflect those of whoever in the Hell said it.
The content on this page is satirical in nature, and is to be considered as a parody that's primarily intended for the entertainment, education, and for the exchanging of thoughts and ideas between atheist, agnostics, rationalist, secular humanist, theophobist, and skeptics, as well as any other heathen and heretics not mentioned, including all those who cherish freethought. Satan welcomes open-minded Christians, Jews, Muslims, and people of other theistic and polytheistic religions, as long as they behave themselves. Satan strongly discourages anyone from sending Him hate mail, or preaching to Him about Jesus, since He knows more about Jesus than them anyway.
No part of Hell's MySpace Outreach Service is produced by televangelist, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, fundamentalist or evangelical Christians, conservative politicians, undocumented immigrants, nor is assembled in any Third World sweatshop employing child labor.
Non-Discrimination Statement Hell Office of Equal Opportunity & Diversity
Hell is Everyone's Right!
Satan has expectations for all of his minions to foster mutual respect, embrace cultural competency and demonic diversity. Hell prohibits discrimination based on race, color, creed, sex, marital status, parental status, religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, national origin, or citizenship.

From America, EVIL Hollywood style...

Could this be

Jamie Lee Curtis

?

Circa September 2004

To the Old School EVIL in England...

Could this be

Daniel Radcliffe

?

Circa June 2004

And from Russia with Love...

Everybody Loves Satan!
RECENT BULLETINS
MAILBAG! ...from the Mouths of Minions. -KUDOS MAIL!
MAILBAG! ...Yet some more CLASSIC HATE MAIL!
MAILBAG! ...Speaking in tongues.
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Satan! I'm NOT dead YET!

"In this business, by the time you realize you're in trouble, it's too late to save yourself. Unless you're running scared all the time, you're gone." Hell is best viewed by Microsoft Internet Explorer at a screen resolution of 1024 x 768 and above, and is optimized for Internet Explorer 7. Hell is NOT compatible with Mozilla Firefox, or any non-Microsoft product.
Bill Gates, IT Infrastructure Operations Manager
Hell Information Technologies

Sorry Bill,
The Hell Outreach Service is NOW optimized for Firefox!
-Satan

Living easy, Living free!

Don't need reason, don't need rhyme, ain't nothing I would rather do! Going down, party time, your friends are gonna be here too! Getting your season ticket to Hell, will be the best thing you've EVER DONE! Providing you with the BEST entertainment on Earth, is my JOB NUMBER ONE!.
Bon Scott, Entertainment Director
Hell Concerts

I became the first person in the world,
to experience a full-blown acid trip.

As many of you know, I invented LSD. Yes, I'm responsible for the '60's and 70's. However, I take no credit for the 80's. "After some time, with my eyes closed, I began to enjoy this wonderful play of colors and forms, which it really was a pleasure to observe. Then I went to sleep and the next day I was fine." After my final trip, I woke up in Hell! On acid, Hell is so trippy! Makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland. Nothing is the right size. (looks down at his penis) I've never seen so many poncho and Birkenstock-clad people before. I feel like I'm on the set of That '70s Show! The Lake of Fire is like billions of little lava lamps!
Doctor Albert Hoffman, Director
Position T.B.A.

I got a shot at two natural 20's
to make it to Hell.

I'm happy I wasn't annihilated and sent to heaven! As many of you already know, I'm the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons. I've been called one of the fathers of modern fantasy, unfortunately that fantasy is responsible for thousands of kids never getting laid. Many have called me a great man of vision and creativity, but never a way to pick up chicks. I may have failed my throw against death, but after rolling for initiative and calculating my THAC0, I now live in the best fantasy world imaginable, my Journey's End. Hell is a place that this dedicated and extraordinarily lucky traveler found. Unlike D&D, Hell has a set of real winning conditions!
Gary Gygax, Director
Hell Creature Development and Expansion

Getting shot in the back,
wasn't half as bad as Nixon's knife!

Yes, "If it wasn't for Elvis Presley, there would be no Beatles." However, I find it ironic that Elvis would ask Nixon to ban the Beatles from entering the United States because of drugs. I'm not the one who died on the shitter all drugged up! (laughs) I once said that "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." However, one day I just simply planned to go home! (laughs) George W. Bush is like a bad acid trip for America. "Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives." "Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right." "If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace."
John Lennon, Director
Position T.B.A.

"We were the Spice Boys"

"It's a shame Paul can't be here because he was the one who had the speech in his pocket." (drinks a glass of ice water -- clears throat) "The biggest break in my career was getting into the Beatles in 1962. The second biggest break since then is getting out of them." "I wanted to be successful, not famous." "When you've seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there." (looks out window at the Lake of Fire) "It is better to be an outspoken atheist than a hypocrite." "Gossip is the Devil's radio." (Turns on E! Entertainment Radio on SIRIUS Satellite Radio) "As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead." (checks pulse) "As long as you hate, there will be people to hate." "With our love, we could save the world." My final words... "Love one another."
George Harrison, Director
Position T.B.A.

Thank God Mary-Kate Olsen
doesn’t work in Hell’s Kitchen!

One of the things I came to Hell for is the food! When I first got here, Satan didn’t tell me that I was supposed to just mind the sheep, and not eat them! (laughs) I can’t wait for John Gibson to get down here. With his own tube of Super PoliGrip, I’m sure many here in Hell would be most obliged to show him how much of a pain in the ass they can be! (laughs) I never understood what Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of "The Joker" had that mine didn’t. Well... I mean... other than a chance for a sequel. However, I’m in negotiations for being cast for the recurring role of Gabriel Martin in The Patriot II.
Heath Ledger, Director
Position T.B.A.

Courtney was Something In The Way!

I said "If it's illegal to rock and roll, throw my ass in jail," NOT Hell! (laughs) "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you!" (looks out window) "Get stoned and worship Satan!" "Before I die, many will die with me and they will deserve it. See you in Hell!" You heard me Courtney, you gold-digging bitch!
Kurt Cobain, Director of Murder Victim Counseling
Hell Credit and Victim Counseling Services

I'm sick of being accused of gold-digging!

It just so happens I get turned on by liver spots! (inflates a low implant on one of her breast with a portable air pump) For some reason people think I am this terrible person and it really hurts me to hear that. I am just doing the best I know how to. Nobody has ever respected me and done things for me and loved me. So when Satan came along, it was a blessing. He is the only person in my life who does not care about what other people say about me. He truly loves me and I love him for it.
Anna Nicole Smith, former Miss Hell 2007,
Miss Hell Organization

Crikey!

I'm a proud Australian, a very, very proud Australian, but now I live in another land down under, and Crikey! We have real live velociraptors! Yeah, I'm a thrill seeker, and Hell is a dream come true! So, my tactic with conservation of apex predators has always been to get people excited and take them to where they live. Crikey! Go To Hell! Where the dinosaurs who eat the crocs rule!
Steve Irwin, Executive Director
Hell Zoo

Feeling nearly faded as my jeans?

From the coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Satan shared the secrets of my soul. Now you can share yours with me. Do you have an alcohol/drug abuse problem? If so, Hell's Pharmacy and liquor stores are open 24-Hours for your convenience!
Janis Joplin, Alcohol and Drug Counselor
Hell Clinical Services

Are you ungrateful that you're dead?

"Truth is something you stumble into when you think you're going someplace else." "What is life but being conscious?" (Takes a hit off of bong) "And good and evil are manifestations of consciousness. If you reject one, you're not getting the whole thing that's there to be had."
Jerry Garcia, Lead Pharmacist
Hell Clinical Services

This is what I get for sleeping
in Kirk Hammett's bed!

Seriously, getting around Hell has gotten much easier since I rolled out of bed and into Hell! I built and operate Hell's first mass transit system, the Hell Area Rapid Transit, or HART for short. HART takes the trauma out of getting around Hell. Our new state-of-the-art buses feature anti-rollover systems, and even a black ice avoidance system, for just in case if Hell ever decides to freeze over. Whether it's for eternity, or just a family vacation, Hell remains the Original Hotspot.
Cliff Burton, Transportation Director
Hell Area Rapid Transit

I don't sound like nobody.

"The only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one." (Takes a bite out of a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich) "The world is more alive at night; it's like God isn't looking." (Shoots his TV set) "I get sometimes; I get lonesome right in the middle of a crowd." (Pops some 'wake-up' pills) "Folks always look good in their coffins."
Elvis Presley, Food and Beverage Director
Hell Food and Beverage Operations

I'm Rick James, bitch!

I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch. What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP! I wish I had more hands... so I could give those titties four thumbs down. Fuck yo couch, nigga, fuck yo couch!
Rick James, Hell's Pimp
Hell Escort Service

Everybody thinks I'm, like, a bad boy.
I'm a good boy who just likes to be bad.

I was once on top, up top, (as a child actor) but then I became better known for my drug bust and trying to steal a 45-foot luxury yacht. I could have been a bigger success if the cops would have stopped trying to sell me heroin, and if I had not failed to untie the boat from the dock. Going to Hell is much better than my career in development limbo. I now have my own boats to steal!
Brad Renfro, President
Lake of Fire Yacht Club
Hell Office of Emo Research
and Torture Development
When a family is told their child has emo, parents and grandparents, brothers and sisters are forced to cope with a new reality. Music and taste are put on hold. But thankfully, the Hell Office of Emo Research and Torture Development is working around the clock to find cures and save children stricken with emo.
The Hell Office of Emo Research and Torture Development is Internationally recognized for its pioneering work in finding cures for kids with emo and other catastrophic taste.
Discoveries made here will change music taste forever!
FREE EMO KIDS!
Hell currently has a surplus of emo kids. We simply have too many, and they're starting to depress our patrons who're down here for the fun. We've run out of ways to torture them, and they love everything we do to them! Hell's emo kids are shipped free by FedEx Next Day Air using only genuine FedEx EmoBox® shipping boxes and cut-resistant packaging materials.
PLACE YOUR ORDER
TODAY!
Hawthorne Heights CD's and razor blades not included.
WARNING!
KEEP YOUR EMOS AWAY FROM SHARP OBJECTS!
THEY'LL LAST MUCH LONGER.

Plan your family vacation in the REAL land down under, and create memories for a lifetime! Visit and explore Hell's 666 magical theme parks offering the best fun-filled attractions and entertainment available anywhere -- at any price! Lot's of hellacious fun to be had! Don't get burned at those knockoff amusement parks!

Hell is the
Original Hotspot!
It's not your Daddy's roller coaster!
Hell's rocket-powered roller coaster is a real beast!
It dives into real flame pits, and reaches the blazing speed of 600 mph!
It last 90-minutes, and is a hot, fast, and reasonably safe ride.
Satan's actually a pretty nice guy. I'm just this regular guy who watches professional wrestling, the History Channel, Science Channel, Discovery Channel, MTV, and CNN. Sure I rule hell and so on, but I'm not like the other guy, I'm approachable. I'm not all full of myself. I don't bogart the joint just because I'm the fallen morning star.
But even so, if you want to hang with me, you gotta follow a couple rules. They aren't commandments exactly, because I'm willing to overlook a few infractions, you know, out of neighborliness. Again, I'm not like that other prick, just keep 'em in mind is all I ask.

Satan's Guidelines:

Don't kill people if you can help it. If they're bad people, Satan would rather have them out doing evil in the world. If they're good people, they go to heaven and nobody wants that.
If you must fuck with people, better to make them say "why God why?" than "God help me." Real torture leads people to find their Inner Strength and shit, petty meanness makes people lose faith in each other. It's better to hit their dog with your car and then drive away laughing.
Don't try to make the world a better place. I know this is a no-brainer but you'd be surprised the kind of goody two shoes want to be Satan's buds. Don't give money to Amnesty International or the NRA, or even the fucking Kiwanis club. Keep your cash for yourself, spend it on cigs and porn, put it in stocks, bonds, IRAs, who gives a shit. Anyway the world is pretty much just how Satan likes it, and if I want it any different, I'll tell you.
Don't try to tempt people to sin. It's a union thing, and believe me you don't want to scab on demons. Just kill puppies and leave the rest to the professionals. Oh, and don't get caught, asshole. You definitely won't do Satan any favors from inside a padded cell.
No good without evil...
No love without hate...
No Heaven without Hell...
No light without darkness...
No girls without money!
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SHOW SATAN'S FRIENDS
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Excerpts of the roleplaying game "kill puppies for satan" are used by permission from its owner, D. Vincent Baker of Lumpley Games. Movie stills and publicity photos contained on this parody web page are used under the provisions of the fair use exceptions of Section 107 of the Copyright Act, Limitations on Exclusive Rights: Fair Use, (2) parody and satire. Other work that's not used with Creative Commons licenses, used by permission, or other granted licenses and rights for non-commercial, nonprofit, and educational purposes, or covered by fair use exceptions, are the sole property of the author of this page.
This page is an ongoing literary and artistic work, which was first published on Sunday, March 07, 2004.
This is the third version of the page since its original publication in 2004, and now proudly holds the distinction of being the oldest "Hell" and "Satan" still in operation on the MySpace Services. This page is in the Top-10 of the most popular freethinking pages on MySpace, and undoubtedly possesses one of the most unique and revolutionary themes of its type found anywhere on the Internet today.