I'm Dan. Pretty tight, huh? Almost as tight as the Virgin Mary.

I live in C-town, Wiscompton. That's Cable, Wisconsin for all you white folks out there. If you want to know what Cable is like, well, picture a bunch of trees. Yup, that's about it. Pretty damn exciting if you ask me...
My Grandma once said, "Dan, you are the calmest person I know." Yeah dude, I just quoted my Grandma on my myspace page. Fucking sweet, huh? Next time I see her, I'm snapping a picture and putting it on here. She almost deserves her own myspace page, but not quite. She's not that special, but she is a real hip, hip lady. I think you would like her. She likes to "get down" and shit, as some of you cool kids would say. I would try to get a picture of my Grandpops, but he likes to sleep a lot -- permanently...
Anyway, like I was saying, I'm a pretty calm guy. I have no problem standing in front of a large crowd of people and making an ass out of myself, as long as I get a few laughs. Because after all, I am kick ass like that. Yeah dude, you don't even know. You wish you did, but you don't. Unless, of course, you were a person standing in that crowd watching me make an ass out of myself, then you might know, but you probably weren't a person standing in that crowd, so therefore, the statement that stated that you don't know, is actually true. If you are still reading this, then you deserve one big fucking prize. I didn't even make it this far before I stopped reading. I lost interest after the first two sentences. It's all good, though. There's always next time, big guy. That's all I have to say about that...
I'm down for pretty much anything. Wanna go bungee jumping? Alright dude, I'm down. Wanna go sky diving? Let's go. Wanna go steal a wheel chair from Wal-mart and go to your class reunion pretending to be a paraplegic? Aww bro, I'm already there. But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan...
Michael Jackson and I should hang out sometime. We both have Peter Pan complexes. His is much more... creepy, but it would still be cool. We could play together (no not that kind, asshole) with our legos, G.I. Joes, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Star Wars action figures. We could maybe even climb a tree or two. As long as he didn't have that damn umbrella, it would be rad...

Dan's Fun Facts

I stole rocks from a museum when I was little. Who the fuck does that?
I was suppose to be a pull-out.
I was a 'slow' learner when it came to reading. I had to go to 'special' classes (hey, we got candy). I came to Drummond the next year and I was one of the top readers in the class. I think that says something about Drummond...
I was born with two webbed toes on each foot. I bet you're wondering if I can swim faster and the answer to that question is, yes, I can swim faster, because I timed myself before they were webbed.
I won the DARE essay contest in fifth grade. I got an underage the next year. Yup, I'm a genius.
It was not Abe, but rather George Washington, who never told a lie.
I got another underage this year. See, I told you I'm smart. I learn from my mistakes. That's why I have two.
I had to push my motorcycle five miles to town because I ran out of gas. This is a good way to make yourself feel like an idiot.
I went in the ditch four times last winter. One time, directly in town. This is another good way to make yourself feel like an idiot.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
When I was little, I shoplifted a Star Wars magazine from iCue once by hiding it under my shirt. My mom caught me because I couldn't bend down to tie my shoes. Damnit! I knew I should have gotten velcro!