Grymmkvlt

Grymmkvlt are the true originators of black metal. The band was founded in 102 BC by Jesus’s Disciples’ grandparents in an attempt to destroy all that is holy and deconsecrate the Church and all it stands for, even though Christianity hadn’t become a religion yet. At the time, there was not much of a metal scene, and the members had quite a rough time making a living playing the type of shit they did, which led them to get into many skirmishes over financial issues and eventually kill each other. Fortunately, the members wrote their music down before their passing by carving it into stones in a cave, which were later excavated by archaeologists 2000 years later, who also happened to be musicians, and became instantly demonically possessed upon playing the supremely evil music they found, thus continuing the legacy of Grymmkvlt................................................... ....................... The original lineup consisted of two dudes playing the fiddle, one guy playing the organ, and another guy with down’s syndrome hitting a cardboard box with a stick. They were all assassinated by a bunch of religious fanatics at their first gig at Riley’s Rock House in Aurora. Fortunately, Satan would not allow this supreme kvltness to go unheard, and arranged a little twist of fate which allowed the band to continue on again even after more than two millennia. Some rich stuck up 15 year old asshole from Naperville inherited the stone tablets from his grandfather (who died from a heart attack caused by simultaneous masturbation and defecation) who's father had been one of the archaeologist who discovered them. He also happened to be a musician and soon translated the music and formed a band based on it. Upon performing the music, he also became instantly demonically possessed like his great grandfather who excavated the stone tablets. He fired all of his rich douchebag bandmates, moved out of his gay little house in Naperville and then moved to the West Side of Chicago and hired some gang bangers who he performed satanic rituals on, and after they also became demonically possessed, they became his bandmates. Upon realizing how kvlt and trve he was, he went to court and change his name to Trukultaroth. He still lives and records in Cabrini Green with his bandmates, and the band will finally begin touring soon after over 2000 years, as long as the members manage to survive.