About Me
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"When I am an old guy, I'm going to wear a string tie and a Stetson. When I am an old guy, I am going to have boots so old they no longer require polishing. When I am an old guy, my boots will have the patina of age. When I am an old guy, I will have the patina of age.When I am old guy, I will eat things that are bad for me. When I am asked the secret of my longevity, I will mention eating things that are bad for me. When I am an old guy, I will lie a lot.When I am an old guy, I will tell stories of my service as a mercenary soldier in Chile, of my time serving as a bodyguard for a notorious Romanian courtesan, of my stint working in the Chrysler Building with real Chryslers, of my year taming zebras of the veldt. I will use the word "veldt" in many contexts, most of them bewildering.When I am an old guy, I will tell people that I have never been sick a day in my life. When I am an old guy, I will tell people that I still have all my own teeth. I will invite them to feel my biceps because no one ever talks trash about the biceps of an old guy. "You've still got it," they will say, and I will agree. I will still have it; I will have merely redefined "it."I will agree with every nice thing said about me. I will expand upon the nice thing, and flatter myself outrageously. I will ignore all the bad things said about me, unless someone becomes rude. Then I will pull a pen out of my pocket and stick it under his nose and say, "Do you know what this is?" Alarming nonsense is the refuge of the old guy.I will talk to myself as I walk along the street. No one will ask me for a contribution to anything if I'm talking to myself. If I am asked to contribute to something, I will ask right back: "Please contribute to the Fund for Indigent Self-Talkers." We will declare a draw.When I am an old guy, I will offer unsolicited advice. "Drop him like yesterday's lunch," I will advise a woman who is talking to her boyfriend. "You're too good for him," I will say. "Is he a doctor? Play your cards right, you could get a poet," I will say.Perhaps I will offer gnomic wisdom: "The cheaper the wrapping paper, the gaudier the gift," I will say. That's not true, but maybe it will be useful. Any tool is useful if you use it right.When I am an old guy, I will sit on a cross-country train and ask children to bring me things. I will flirt with their mothers and say outrageous things. I will also flirt with their fathers, because why not? Plenty of flirt for all. I will demand unusual things, like mustard and feathers. I will suggest that this is my last train trip, that I am suffering from an unspecified disease, that I am going to my son's funeral, that I am about to meet my high school sweetheart after 60 years. I will get the mustard and feathers, and I will say, "What would I do with these? Take them away." And then everyone would have a story about the old guy and the mustard and the feathers, so I will have given them something they could not have gotten any other way.When I am an old guy, I will drop in at the House of Representatives. "I want to see my representative," I will say. "Who is that?" they will say. "Who do you got?" I will say. And when they dither, I will say, "I have time." I will sit on the floor and bang out African rhythms with my cane. (I learned these rhythms in the veldt.) Eventually someone in charge will come to get me. "The cheaper the wrapping paper, the gaudier the gift," I will remark.When I am old guy, I will eat a peach. I will eat many peaches. I will walk in the water and get my trousers wet. I will hear the mermaids singing and I will say, "Yo, mermaids. Over here!"I will go gentle into that good night, and then I will hide behind a rock, and then I will go gentle into that good day. I will revel in memories, some of them my own. I will pull out photographs and spit on them. I will have my lucid moments. I will pretend to have a treasured memento. I will understand the line between colorful and annoying, and I will ignore it. I will buy a pony, when I am an old guy. When I am an old guy, I will walk along the street and point at people. "You, you're just taking up space," I will say. "And you, and you, but not you. We'll keep you." - Jon Carroll. He's the fucking man.NOFUTUREhttp://ratsinwalls.blogspot.com/
